I spent the day watching Married at First Sight, which to be honest is not good for the "don't think about Jeff so much" plan. This is helping me ignore the unemployment / financial stress, but it is not helping my stress levels in general.
The idea is each person decides to commit to a lifelong relationship with someone they are paired with by experts (marriage counselor, psychologist, sex therapist). The couples meet at the alter, then work to create a relationship over the course of 8 weeks. These weeks include a honeymoon, then living together in a neutral apartment. There are some get togethers with the other couples participating. There is communication with and homework assignments from the experts.
Starting from a base of "I'm committed to making this work" theoretically takes ending the relationship off the table, but in reality it doesn't. The couples can decide to end it at any time, decide whether or not to end it at the 8 week mark, and in one case threaten to end it every other day.
I relate every argument, every disagreement, every intervention by the experts, to what happened with Jeff. I filter the communication exercises through the problems we had. I define and redefine the word commitment based on how Jeff defined it and on what I'm seeing. Ultimately the definition always comes back to "stay." Do whatever it takes to make it work, because stay.
Don't leave me. Don't reject me.
I love the idea of having experts find the right person for me, especially based on the men I've chosen in the past. It makes me think of where Joyce was when she found Josh: "no more fixer uppers." I don't know how to find the right person for me. After Jeff, I don't know how to trust the person is actually telling me the truth or letting me see his real self. I thought Jeff was emotionally and sexually mature, but he either regressed or never really was there in the first place.
Part of me still wants to try again. That part hopes he will regret his decision, be willing to admit he made a mistake by leaving the relationship, and reach out wanting to try again. That part tells me his behavior was based in his addictions and insecurities. I certainly said and did things I don't consider normal for me. I've done things I wish I didn't consider "normal" for me.
The show is making me think about who I used to be, and who I'd like to be in the future. I like the silly, laughing, fun-loving, creative, adventurous person I used to be. I've not been that person for a long time, and would like to find my way back. I'd like to do the things I want, even if they scare me. I'm going to be scared more often than I'd like, but that doesn't have to stop me.
I'd like to be a morally better person. I started to say more honest, but realize I say what I think off the top of my head and share more than some people are comfortable with. Honesty is not the issue. The only time I lied to Jeff was in relation to my addictions, and then only when he made it clear the truth wouldn't be accepted. So much of what he was angry with me over, he wouldn't have known had I not told him in the first place.
Theft is a problem. I still don't feel I stole from our joint account. I borrowed knowing I would be able to pay it back within a day or two. Because he asked (told?) me not to use that account, he considers it theft. I did steal from him that Christmas though. I did steal from his coin bucket. I did take refunds on things I received from Amazon when they had no record the items were delivered. I've stolen things off and on since I was a child. I don't know why I do these things, and I don't know why I don't feel guilt for them. I do know I'd like to be a better person, and that comes from my relationship with Jeff.
I'm tempted to write him and thank him for that. I'm afraid that's just me trying to get back together with him. It wouldn't be the first time I've come up with a reason to reach out. I don't want to chase him. At the same time, I realize he's not going to suddenly wake up one morning and decide to give it another try without anything changing. I wasn't willing to talk to Nick until he reached out to me with kindness.
Which brings me back to all the deal breakers. Every time I think I want to be back together with Jeff, I make myself remember his preference to think the worst of me. I remember we speak a different language - though the words are the same we define them differently. These are important words, words on which a relationship is based. Love. Forgiveness. Commitment. Friendship.
I do know I want another relationship, if I can figure out how to trust again. If I can figure out how to not only trust someone else, but how to trust myself. I don't believe that relationship will be with Jeff, because I don't believe we'll get past the deal breakers. I don't believe he'll ever believe he made a mistake, that he'll ever want to get back together. At some point that part of me will get over him and move on.
At some point I'll stop hashing and rehashing this. Maybe I shouldn't watch these types of shows.
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