This. Except it isn't about handling me, it's about accepting me. If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I have to keep telling this to the part of me that is still living in the past, still believing Jeff and I should be together. I wasn't happy with anything else in my life at the time, but I was happy in that relationship.
I have to remember I was happy in that relationship because Jeff was not being his true self. He wasn't telling me what he really felt, what he really thought. He was, as he calls it, "diplomatic." The dictionary defines diplomatic as "having or showing an ability to deal with people in a sensitive and effective way." I would say he was sensitive, but not effective. Effective would have been finding a compromise instead of slanting the power in the relationship my way, then resenting that fact. The funny thing is, I would have done anything for him, though maybe not necessarily on his timetable. I did ultimately quit getting high and gambling for him, because I wanted our relationship more than the escape my addictions were providing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know why my thoughts turn to my failed relationship with Jeff when I'm in financial stress. It's transference of a sort. Apparently it's easier to think about Jeff than my financial situation, even though there's nothing I can do about either.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I did absolutely nothing today, beyond watching America Ninja Warrior and play phone games. Avoidance and procrastination at it's most severe. It seems seeing a behavior and fixing it are not, in fact, the same.
I say this, and yet I have a pumpkin spice cake and cornbread in my kitchen right now. I guess absolutely nothing == no housework or learning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's accomplishments:
18K+ steps
Bake pumpkin spice cake and cornbread
No comments:
Post a Comment