10/31/2020: More memories

Going through all my photos yesterday, being reminded of all the things Jeff and I did together, put him in the forefront of my mind again. I dreamt of him last night. Part of me (buried in scar tissue) still loves him and still wants to be with him. His attitude in the dream reminded that part of me why we can't be together. So I continue to remember, here again are the things making me pull away from that thought:

• He is primarily vegetarian. I am decidedly not. This is not in itself a deal-breaker, but 

• He is judgmental and prone to airing his ego. Anything he has chosen is "the best." He dons a holier-than-thou attitude and lectures if you disagree. 

• He can't stand to have anyone tell him "no." I had to break myself of a habit when disagreeing with him of first saying "No", because it angered him so.

• He expects people to come to him, reach out to him, call him and invite him in, without his having to do anything but be available. He then gets upset when they don't.

• He despises me for the mental break I suffered when he broke up with me. I came home early from work that day and immediately started purging my belongings, thinking I had to move out of his house as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I did this by throwing it all out the front window (I pulled the actual window out and tossed everything on the front lawn from the 2nd floor - no way I was walking up and down stairs a million times carrying it all!). The 75 gallon aquarium was a challenge to care for most weeks, was overdue for a water change, and I didn't see how I could move, or even care for in what I knew was a precarious mental state, the many many snails and tetra it held. Out the window they went. A year later he made snide comments about what "I'm capable of when angry enough." I wasn't angry. I was devastated and desperate. 

• He blames me for everything, including something I had actually been upset with him about when it happened. He blamed me for our communication issues, when he later admitted he was "less honest than the relationship required." He blamed me for giving up on us, when he gave up on me 6 months earlier - without giving me any indication this was the case. 

• I was solely responsible for our sex life. He never initiated. There was never sex 2 days in a row, because reasons. The same reasons caused problems if we went too long without, as well. In an effort to maintain our intimacy, I created a routine that put his hands on me almost every day. He decided that was too much of an ask, that I was getting something out of it he felt wasn't reciprocated.

• We have conflicting definitions for important terms like love, commitment, forgiveness, and friendship.

• He doesn't believe I have ADHD and didn't want to learn anything about how that affected our relationship. He showed a similar resistance to accepting or understanding my anxiety, depression, and the resulting addictions - even after I stopped both addictive behaviors.

• He was unable to tell me when he didn't want to do something, instead saying "we'll talk about it." It took me years to figure out that meant no, because we never did talk about it. When I called him on that, he changed it to "we'll see." Similarly, after we broke up he repeatedly told me he'd be willing to try again at some point. It took me a year to realize he was putting me off in the same way, that he wouldn't want to try again as long as he held the low opinion of me he exhibited when we finally did talk about what happened.

• Because I loved him, I always attributed the best possible motives to his actions. He attributes the worst possible motives to mine.

• He refuses to address or even admit he is prone to depression and very likely has abandonment issues, instead choosing to believe going to meetings will fix everything. Granted, following the meetings program would certainly help, but refusing to address the root of his problems makes it ever so much more difficult to deal with the resulting behaviors. 
  
  While looking for images to highlight this bulletpoint, I found THIS which most likely explains his thinking, and THIS which discusses the topic in further depth. 

• Because I have social anxiety issues, I didn't want to attend his home meeting potlucks. He decided this meant I had no interest in his journey, even though I asked him about his meetings every time he went.

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In part because of the memories, I decided to go copy down my LiveJournal posts. I've lost my MySpace blogging and didn't want to lose these as well. They mention one of the times Jeff and I ran into each other, before we started dating. They talk about how I felt about him, and how I felt about me at the time. 

I exported Thankfully Thorns Have Roses as well, and now have a project to convert them from XML to a format I can drop into OneNote. Reading through those with new eyes is interesting as well. I didn't realize how selfish Jeff was even then. We were supposed to run together, often after dark which was uncomfortable for me. He usually ran ahead because I was too slow, forcing me to push myself to catch up. Some pushing is a good thing. Too much pushing can be physically harmful. Now I'm prone to pushing myself too hard anyway, but I wonder how much of my physical issues were intensified by this constant overload. I'd like to say he did this in an effort to help me improve, but I know that isn't true.  

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Athena and Bo had a successful walk/playdate today. I was concerned after our last attempt at an outing, where Athena ended up biting Bo, that he would be afraid of her. I thought maybe a walk together would be controlled enough to help both of them with socialization. My mother agreed, so Athena and I went over for a visit. 

The walk went very well, and we spent a little time in the back yard after. Bo spent most of his time near my Mom. He's 6 years old but acts like a puppy and wanted to play, but Athena didn't want to play with him. He wanted to chase her but she was not feeling it. She was much more interested in the rodent smells around the base of and under my Mom's back porch. I believe now that Athena got tired of Bo chasing her last time, which is what started the fight.  She did run for a minute, which made me happy as this is the only place she's had the opportunity. 

Hopefully I'll think to take pictures next week, since we're planning to try again. Hopefully this will evolve into a regular thing, giving my mother and I an activity to do together and Athena and Bo the opportunity to learn social skills.

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Today's accomplishments:

11K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Wash, Dry, Fold sheets, blankets, towels

10/30/2020: Photographs and memories

Today was my niece's birthday. While looking through photographs to create a JibJab card for her, I randomly decided what I really needed to do was sort Jeff out of my main photo database. I didn't delete the pictures, but created separate folders for him, us, and his family and friends, which I then buried so it's not right in front of my face when I go in to look at pictures. I can't not think of him when doing so, since he's the one who took the majority of the photographs, but I did what I could.

I also sorted 2 phone dumps I'd somehow managed to save. It made me sad, as most of those were pictures I'd taken to send him: pretty, funny, interesting, exciting, thoughtful, informative. Lots of snails, the death of which being one of the things he disdains me for. Lots of gambling pictures, which I deleted. His and his friend's cats. Moving into his house. Random wild animal sightings. I miss that connection, to see something and immediately think of him and share it if I thought he would enjoy it. Maybe I'll start taking those pictures again, and post them here. 

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Today's accomplishments:

18K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Wash, Dry, Fold sheets, blankets, towels

Change bedroom, basement, office sheets

Sweep basement stairs

Clean kitchen counters

Water plants

Clean 1st floor bathroom

Dishes

10/29/2020: Brian

I had lunch with Brian today. My kids wonder at our friendship, since Brian is their age. We have a lot in common though. We talked today about politics. We don't agree 100%, but neither do we stick 100% to the party line. This made the conversation interesting.  

We also talked about music. His tastes are SO eclectic! Metal. Pop. Classic Rock. New Age. Crooners. Movie and show tunes. So many artists I've never heard of! Mine is eclectic in different ways. I have more Country and R&B. I've listened to and liked New Age, but it's not a go-to. Instead I have video game soundtracks.

We have pets in common and know some of the same people. We both like D&D. I have a story idea he's contributing to, which I hope at some point to turn into a graphic novel or post on Webtoon.com. He also happens to live in my condo, so we have that in common too. 

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Today's accomplishments:

17K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Wash, Dry, Fold sheets and blankets

Dishes

10/28/2020: Illinois Correctional Industries Research and Ohio Means Jobs

My nephew asked me to research the Illinois Correctional Industries program to find out which facilities participate, which industries are taught where, and essentially what his chances are to get into the program at any given facility. The information is scarce, but I was able to answer the first points. As to his chances, the best I could come up with was the rules on Good Time, which is time off for good behavior and is based on the programs a prisoner participates in. Looking at the actual statute for Good Time, he seems to qualify. I don't think he can go to the minimum security facilities, and I think it's wrong the dog training and grooming are only available at the women's facilities, but otherwise I think he could transfer to any facility and have a chance. It makes me happy to know he's working toward how to succeed once his sentence is done.

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I've been using several books and online tutorials to learn micro macrame. Today I finally put all the different types of knots into one place, so I can look them up more easily. I'm also working on writing out patterns to make them easier to follow as well.

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Ohio Means Jobs has teamed up with Pymetrics.com, to help people match personality and cognitive traits with a career/training that "better aligns with your natural abilities." The assessment is 30-45 minutes of "games" (read: challenges). Examples: 

• Myself and someone else were both given $10 game money. One of us was chosen randomly to receive another $10 and asked to share some of it with the other person. That other person was then asked to give some of it back. After going through the exercise I was asked if I thought it was fair. 
• Letters were flashed on the screen. I was to hit the space bar only if the current letter matched the letter before the last. 
• Arrows were flashed across the screen. If they were red, I was the hit the arrow key in the direction the outside arrows were pointing. If they were blue, the direction the innermost arrow pointed. If black, there was just one arrow so the direction it pointed. 

The results were... interesting, and sometimes contradictory. I agreed with some. In one they decided I easily dismiss distractions, which was the case in this controlled environment but under normal circumstances is not. For the arrow flashing one my answers were inconsistent. They flashed too quickly for me to change focus from inner to outer arrows. Sometimes my answer referenced the set prior to the one showing when I hit the key. I know I was wrong more often than not, and sometimes I didn't get my keystroke in at all. I think that one had to do with taking risks, which they concluded I am willing to do. At the same time, they indicated I'm methodical. In one they decided I'm slow to change my approach, when what I was trying to do was find a pattern. 

All in all an interesting exercise, but not one I trust implicitly. I certainly wouldn't pay money for it, or hire someone based on the results. 

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Today's accomplishments:

18K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Wash sheets and blankets

Take Pymetrics assessment

Research Illinois Correctional Industries

Dishes

10/27/2020: Athena's allergies and writing Stephan

I decided to return the shock collar. I don't want to have to carry the remote around on our hour+ walks twice a day, and it's yet another thing to remember in the moment. Also, Athena is unhappy enough with the face halter. I don't want her to lose her enthusiasm for walks completely. She seems to be doing well enough with a pre-emptive warning and praise for behaving when we encounter other dogs. We haven't seen the Great Dane since starting this so I'm not sure she's completely got the idea but I'd rather work with her this way. 

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I'm also trying to figure out what Athena is allergic to. She gnaws on her feet most days, I can see red hot spots on them, and she often has a rash on her underbelly. I originally thought it was chicken as most of her food is chicken-based, but it didn't go away when I switched to salmon-based food. The vet suggested grass, which made sense since she was rolling in it most days, but with the cold and damp she's stopped. The rash has not. Wheat, corn, or dairy were also possibilities, but removing them from her diet didn't seem to make a difference. The rash comes and goes. The feet gnawing is not every day. It's definitely something in my environment, because she didn't have the rash when she first came to live with me. 

It occurred to me she might be allergic to my laundry detergent or fabric softener. I bought unscented, no dye detergent to make carpet shampoo from, so I'm using that to wash all blankets, sheets, and the sweatshirt she wears now the temperatures are below 50 degrees. I have dryer balls so won't use my dryer sheets. 

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My nephew is in prison for kidnapping and rape - crimes committed while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. He's 30 years old and 10 years into a 30 year sentence, without access to parole in his state. He's still family though, and I didn't want him to believe everyone had given up on him. I didn't want to believe he was irredeemable. I've tried to keep up a correspondence, which is easier now he has access to email (even if it is pay-to-play and seems extortionist). 

Having been through rape and physical assault, I never forget what he did and how that woman will forever be affected by the experience. At the same time, I'm reminded more and more lately a person's actions are a reflection of their own internal demons. My nephew didn't just wake up one morning and randomly decide out of the blue to do what he did. It took years and years of layered experiences to change the young boy I knew into someone who would think kidnapping and rape was a good idea. 

I'm glad I've taken the effort to stay in touch with him. We have some life experiences and emotional struggles in common. Depression. ADHD. Physical trauma. Feeling emotionally neglected and utterly misunderstood. He's sober, something he says he wasn't for at least 12 years before the incident. I like who he is now. He found yoga and through that, spirituality. He found peace, which he never had growing up. He seems self-aware and emotionally mature - traits I find scarce in my world. 

I don't know who he will be in 20 years, when he's finally released. I don't know how he'll handle that transition. I don't know what he'll do with the rest of his life, but I don't believe he'll go back to drugs and alcohol. I have hope for him, based on the conversations we're having today. 

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Today's accomplishments:

13K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Balance accounts

Wash blankets and sheets

Watch Supernatural

Watch The Voice

Write Stephan

10/26/2020: Dependency Injection Design Pattern

Dependency Injection is a client/service model, where the client object is dependent on a service object passed to the client as part of its state. The code passing the service object is called the injector, and determines what service the client will use. The client does not call the injector code. The injector builds or finds the services, then passes them into the client, which may also be created by the injector. 

Dependency Injection separates construction and use of objects. The pattern requires the service object be passed to the client, instead of having the client build or find the service. It is a form of inversion of control, where the client doesn't need to know about the injector, how to construct the services it needs, or even which services it uses. The client only needs to know about the service interfaces defining how the service is used. 

Service: Any object that can be used
    e.g. an electric, gas, hybrid, or diesel vehicle

Client: Any object that uses another object
    e.g. a driver who uses the vehicle regardless of propulsion method    

Interface: Defines the types of dependencies the client expects. The client only knows the interface name and API.
    e.g. automatic transmission, ensuring the driver does not have to understand engine details like gears
    
Injector: Introduces the services to the client, often also constructing the client 
    e.g. the car purchaser, who decided which kind of car to buy

Constructor Injection: Client provides a parameter for the dependency in a constructor 

Setter Injection: Client provides a setter method for the dependency 

Interface Injection: Client publishes a role interface to the setter method for the dependency. Used to establish how the injector talks to the client when injecting dependencies

ADVANTAGES:

• Configurability: The client's behavior is fixed, and can act on anything that supports the interface it expects
• Allows separate configuration files for situations requiring different implementations of components (including testing)
• Independent clients are easier to unit test in isolation using stubs or mock objects

DISADVANTAGES:

• Can increase difficulty in reading and writing code by separating behavior from construction
• Hinders IDE automation like "find references" and "show call hierarchy" due to reflection or dynamic programming implementation
• Requires more upfront development to ask something be injected, then ensure it has been injected
• Can encourage dependence on a dependency injection framework

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Today's accomplishments:

17K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Dry, fold, and put away laundry

Dishes

Wash kitchen rug

Design Patterns: Dependency Injection

Sweep kitchen

10/25/2020: Still taking time; Athena's dog reaction

I'm still giving myself a break because because Seasonal Affective Disorder. I did do laundry, mostly because Athena's sweatshirt was covered in fur. She sheds so much more than I expected for a short-haired dog!

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I did do some research (again) on how to make a pit bull release once they've latched on. One of the videos I watched last time I did this research mentioned a gag reflex one can activate by pressing a certain point on their throat, but I haven't been able to find anything showing me where that point is. Of course I hope never to use it, but the fact is Athena's been in three fights already where's she's latched on to another dog. 

I'm trying to determine if she's responding to other dogs' body language. It's difficult to see ears, tail, stance, and scruff on two dogs at the same time, before they react to each other. However, I'm leaning toward she's reacting to them, which tracks with hers being a fear response.

There's the Terrier across the street and the Pug down the street, both of whom go berserk every time we walk by. There's also a Yorkie who barks when we walk by her house but ignores us when we're all out walking. Athena ignores them all. On the other hand, we walked by a Yorkie last night who was so small I didn't even see him at first, and when I did I thought he was a puppy. He started yelling at us, and Athena was fine for a minute. I don't know what he said to her, but all of a sudden she lunged. 

There's the Great Dane who barks at us every time we walk past his house. We used to see him and his brother walking with a man, and they both behaved just fine. Athena was attentive but we always walked by each other without issue. Now we see them walking with a woman and a teenager. The woman walks the one who now barks and lunges at us every time we see them. Athena will have her ears up but won't lunge until he does. 

If the other dog ignores us, Athena ignores them. She doesn't even perk up her ears, which I now understand can be a sign of aggression. If the other dog obviously wants to play, she'll have her ears up but we'll walk by without issue. Sometimes the other dog also has their ears up, and neither bark or lunge. 

We always cross the street when we see another dog coming, if we can. We've been in situations where we cross to avoid one dog, only to encounter another coming directly up the other side of the street. Sometimes we can cross over again. Sometimes we can't. If we can't, Athena and I will walk on people's lawns to put distance between us. I get annoyed at people who force us into this, like the couple walking their dogs up to the light on Ridgebury. They could have crossed at the light, but instead chose to turn the corner toward us not 3 houses away. We needed to turn at that corner, and could not cross a busy street with oncoming traffic. I know they saw me stop for a moment before they made that decision, too. 

I bought the shock collar, but I don't think I'll use it. I've begun pre-emptively telling her "ah-ah-ah" when we get close to a potential problem, and praising her as soon as we start to pass without a reaction. I think this will be more effective as I learn how to determine which dogs are going to be a problem. We did actually walk past deer on the other side of the street last night with no more than raised ears and a desire to keep them in sight, so progress is being made.  

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Today's accomplishments:

18K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Wash laundry

Practice micro macrame

Dishes

10/24/2020: Not doing much

I spent the day practicing micro macrame. I say practicing because I ended up throwing out everything I did. I think there is a combination of issues: the thread I'm using may be too thin; I might be tying the knots too tightly; and I don't fully understand the implications of tying knots over, under, and from the right or left.  I tried practicing just the knots to see if I could discern the difference between the various knot directions, but the results were too small for me to tell. 

I didn't do much else, beyond walking Athena and watching Critical Role while playing with thread. 

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If I weren't recording my "accomplishments" every day, I wouldn't realize it's been days since I've done any housework or learned anything new. My lack of productive activity reminds me change of seasons is always hard due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Beyond that, I get like this every October. I'm technically over things that happened 30 years ago, or almost 10 years ago, but they still come to mind this time of year. 

I'm allowing myself the me time without recrimination. It's been over a week since I took a day off, and I obviously need the mental break. Also, I know the Tech Elevator project will be in my inbox this coming week. 

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Today's accomplishments:

14K+ steps

Fill pill containers

Watch Critical Role

Practice micro macrame

Dishes

10/23/2020: Researching unemployment; updating last wishes

 TIL: my unemployment ends 1/26/21

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I did the math to figure out when my unemployment ends, so I can figure out how to manage until I complete the Tech Elevator boot camp. They've pushed the start date of the boot camp back until the end of November, which means I won't complete it until mid March. Then I have to find a job, which hopefully will not take long using Tech Elevator resources and with my newly acquired knowledge and certificate. 

Because I cashed in my 401K last year, I don't qualify for a stimulus check, but it does look like the next pandemic stimulus package will include unemployment benefits. I might be able to save enough from that to get by. Otherwise, and until they pass something, I need to figure something else out.

• I purged everything when I moved out of Jeff's, so have nothing left to sell. Even my computers are old and outdated. 
• At my sister's advice, I tried several survey and game test sites. I made maybe $50 and now receive ~20 scam phone calls and texts per day.
• I've looked at sites like Upwork in the past, but similar to survey and game test sites one makes literally pennies per hour. Better than nothing, but not anywhere near what I need. 
• I may try something like UberEats or Postmates. Wear and tear on my car + gas is not ideal, but neither is starving. 

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While looking for my passport, which I needed for my OMJ grant application, I found my latest "last will and testament". This is not an official document, but it is what I want done. I'd updated it late last year, but for some reason still had Jeff on the envelope. I went through and updated it again today. Not much has changed, other than where I store my passwords and financial information. Still, it's good to review periodically. I now have a written goal to fund not only my cremation, but also several adventures for the boys to experience while dispersing my ashes. All things I'd like to do while alive, so the list may change over time. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Pick up presecriptions

Watch Critical Role

10/22/2020: Clarity re: Tech Elevator

I finally got someone on the phone at OMJ, to discuss how to apply for the Tech Elevator income share agreement. Turns out it's Tech Elevator I need to talk to about that. I needed to talk to OMJ about their grant as well. I thought I'd already applied, but it turns out I have not. The person I spoke with was extremely helpful though, and he will personally walk me through the application process, including the interview. I hope to have my portion of that complete by end of day tomorrow. In the meantime, I've emailed my contact at Tech Elevator, asking specifically about the income share agreement, scholarship, and the java (javascript) project I'm supposed to complete prior to November 9. 

I spent the rest of the day catching up on Season 15 of Supernatural. The avoidance is strong with this one.

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Follow up on Tech Elevator application

Follow up on OMJ grant application

10/21/2020: Avoidence; shock collars vs prong collars

TIL: "shock" collars are actually better than prong collars

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Athena is a rescue who came to me this past June with anxiety regarding other dogs. I don't believe she's aggressive, even if she has been in three fights since coming to live with me. She doesn't react to ALL dogs. She's met a handful without issue, and always wants to stop at their houses when we walk past. 

I believe she's anxious. She speeds up whenever we pass a house with a dog barking in the window or back yard, and she constantly looks behind her for several houses after we move away. She startles easily at loud noises. She's not always aware of dogs walking on the other side of the street, but when she is she shows interest - head up and ears perked. I don't know what that interest means. I've tried looking at her scruff and tail, but I don't see anything out of the ordinary. 

I don't always know what sets her off. Sometimes it's obvious, as the other dog is behaving just as poorly. I think she wanted to play chase when the jogger came by with two Weimaraner attached to her waist. This has happened often enough I've learned how to stay calm throughout, so she's not reacting to me. I've paid attention to other dogs with her around without her getting possessive. I just don't see what she sees. We will be walking calmly along, then BAM! She's lunging and thrashing against the lead. No bark, no growl, no raised scruff. 0 to 60 in an instant.  

She's learned not to go after bunnies, squirrels, and even cats (unless they RIGHT THERE like the cats that frequent our front porch). Dogs and deer are a different story. 

We tried a Martingale collar, but she just choked herself until gasping and wheezing without letting up. We tried a Thunder leash, but with her barrel chest it always settled around her waist and she pulled so hard I feared for her internal organs. We now use a face halter, which has helped control her tremendously. I no longer have to set my weight against her as she pulls to get at the other dog. I can hold her with one hand as she struggles against the lead. 

I've researched and tried several training methods. She gets praised when passing a dog without issue. She likes treats well enough, but not enough to distract her from other dogs. We've tried sit and look at me, but why would anyone take their eyes off a potential danger? She won't. Same with getting in between her and the other dog. Once engaged, she won't hear me when I say no, leave it, or the "uh-uh-uh" noise I use to indicate unwanted behavior. I tried a whistle, but that didn't phase her either. 

I never thought I'd use either a prong or shock collar, but I found myself researching them. This article discusses research done on the stress each cause. The shock collar elicits a surprised verbal response, while the prong collar results in multiple stress responses. 

So I ordered a shock collar. I have no intention of using the shock option of the collar, even if it is equivalent to a tenz unit (of which I own 2). I don't want to punish her for reacting in fear or anxiety. I need a way to get her attention, to interrupt her mid-lunge so I can reinforce the cessation of that behavior.

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I realized today I am avoiding the Design Patterns and Algorithm items I planned to learn, while waiting for the Tech Elevator application to proceed. Learning micro macrame and practicing sewing are all well and good, but they won't help me find a job. 

Not that I'm actively looking for a job right now, with the bootcamp start date set for November 9. I still believe I don't know what I don't know, and am ever-so-hopeful this bootcamp will provide me with the confidence in my coding ability I currently lack. I hope to learn what the Sr. Dev in my last position was unable to show me - how to see and correct the errors he apparently saw in my code. I know it will provide a portfolio of object-oriented programming. In the end I expect this to result in a mid- to senior-level position as a software developer. 

I would be an even better prospect with the design patterns and algorithm knowledge I also currently lack, though. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Dry, fold and put away couch covers

Try out new micro macrame patterns

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 98

Watch The Masked Singer 

Watch The Voice

Watch Supernatural Season 15 Episodes 1-11

10/20/2020: Practicing macrame; practicing self-patience

I spent the better part of today completing one of five micro macrame plant hangers for my air plants in the kitchen. The way I originally planned to hang them won't work, but my new design will work just fine -- as soon as I can order the parts. 

It's not perfect, but it's complete and good enough for the moment. That's another thing I'm still learning -- being ok with not being perfect. I may redo this when I'm done with the others. Maybe. I've some ideas for xmas presents, but I have to improve my technique and pattern ideas first. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Dry, fold and put away couch covers

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 98

Watch The Masked Singer 

Watch The Voice

10/19/2020: Practice == learning how to do things better

I didn't focus on learning anything new today. Instead I practiced sewing by hemming arm rest covers for my couches. I did learn more about my sewing machine: how to take it apart and adjust the needle arm; how to correctly insert the bobbin holder. 

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Today's accomplishments:

14K+ steps

Dishes

Follow up with OMJ re: Tech Elevator Income Share Agreement

Rearrange basement furniture

Sew new couch covers

Change and wash couch covers

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 97

Stretch

10/18/2020: Money worries; Love don't die

I'm going to be in trouble come December. This isn't new information, so it's not something I just learned today. It was reinforced by my reading the news on what's happening with the next stimulus package (even if they pass something before the election, how soon can unemployment be implemented?). I'm also getting mixed messages from the Tech Elevator bootcamp (do I start Nov 9th or some time in January?). I've not heard from Ohio Means Jobs about the income share agreement application, other than it usually takes 6-8 weeks to process and I should have heard from someone already. I'm reaching out about these last two tomorrow, but neither will help the overdraft forecasted for December. 

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This was sent to me by a friend, and fits with things I've been thinking about lately.

The names of some old friends have come up this week. I've mentioned friends who considered me their ray of sunshine, the happiest person they know, bubbly and positive. This is the idea of me they perceived. The reality of me is I worked very hard at staying positive, because depression was always lurking behind the scenes. I've lost several friends when depression got the better of me. Best friends. Friends I thought I'd figured out how to hold onto. Friends who didn't know how to deal with the neediness or silence of me in a depressive state, because the perception they had of me was I needed no one. I was the positive one, always there for them. 

I was there for Jeff too: telling him I loved him all the time, huge on hugs and smooches, sending him cards in the mail, looking for things for us to do together, keeping our sex life alive. Somehow he thought he was more affectionate because he would touch me as he walked in or out of a room. Somehow he couldn't see what I brought to the relationship, or how hard I was trying to maintain a connection with him. His idea of me had changed, into that of a selfish and self-centered person he couldn't rely on. 

I'll admit I'm selfish and self-centered, especially when depressed. It makes me very sad he thought he couldn't rely on me though. I would have done just about anything for him. I couldn't simply drop my addiction just because he wanted me to, but his wanting me to made me want to. It makes me very sad he'd already given up on me by the time he told me what he wanted. Even then he was sending mixed messages, telling me to "win it all", enjoying the perks of my high-roller status at the casinos, then berating me about gambling during family meeting. I'm not saying I was right. I'm also not the only one wrong here. 

I've thought often about what I will say when future potential mates ask about what happened. The most succinct version I can come up with is: "We both had problems. He decided he was better off dealing with his alone." When I say it like that, I can forgive him. When I remember all the things he said and did during the breakup, I'm still angry. I haven't forgiven those. I haven't forgiven his judgmental snarkiness when we talked about the breakup a year later. I haven't forgiven his change of heart. In my world, love don't die. 

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Today's accomplishments:

14K+ steps

Dishes

Clean and winterize screen doors

Balance checkbook

Bake pumpkin pie

Email re: Tech Elevator

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 96

Stretch

10/17/2020: Still learning micro macrame

TIL: I don't yet have the right touch for the micro macrame I'm attempting

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I'm using embroidery thread, which is thinner than the cord most often used for micro macrame, and I'm having difficulty controlling the tightness of the knots. I spent most of the day working on a piece I ultimately destroyed as not good enough for what I want. The goal is to hang glass globes by micro macrame cords, for several air plants I currently have in the window over my kitchen sink. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Dishes

Casserole

Pumpkin Pie crust

Micro macrame air plant holder

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 94/95/96

10/16/2020: Caught up on news

TIL: About what has been happening in politics the last few weeks

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I spent the better part of the day catching up on several weeks of NY Times newsletters. I get the newsletters daily, but don't read them regularly. Instead of potentially being depressed every day by what's going on in the world, I condense my news consumption into weekly or bi-weekly chunks. I hear about things randomly in between, but this way I'm somewhat emotionally protected while still feeling fully informed. 

So today I learned:

• The president is still acting as if COVID is not a thing, and a thing or two about his finances and taxes over the last 20 years. 
• The white house warned some investors COVID would be a problem while telling the public there was nothing to worry about. 
• I'd heard about Ruth Bader Ginsberg's death and Amy Contey Barrett's Supreme Court nomination. I now have more details on her confirmation hearings -- including the 99.99% likelihood she'll be confirmed and what that will mean to civil rights in America. 

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Today's accomplishments:

10K+ steps

Catch up on NY Times and SKIMM emails

Fold laundry

Bathe Athena

Research micro macrame patterns

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 93/94

10/15/2020: Macrame is harder than it looks

TIL: Learning something new every day sometimes means learning just a small increment of what was planned. 

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I thought macrame would be easy. It's just tying knots in string or thread, right? Well, technically yes. However, tying the knots so the end result is attractive is something else entirely. Even simple patterns can be more complicated than they look. Sometimes the knots have to be tied one direction, sometimes another, and not all knots are the same. Not all knots need be tied as tightly as possible. What works in a YouTube tutorial may not work with the materials at hand. I spent several hours today - more time than I originally planned - learning these things and more. The good news is I am now confident I can reasonably attempt the type of micro macrame patterns I like.  

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Today's accomplishments:

22K+ steps

Change sheets

Launder sheets and mattress cover

Shampoo 2nd half of basement carpet

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 92/93

Macrame air plant holders

10/14/2020: Forgiveness is hard

TIL: Forgiveness is hard

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I'm struggling with myself over forgiving Jeff. I want to forgive him. Part of me is still hurt though, and wants to be angry. That part doesn't want to allow him the same leeway I'm upset with him for not allowing me. That part doesn't want to understand his emotional state, to admit he was in a place where he felt he could better solve his problems alone, without me and my problems around. 

It's too bad we couldn't be there for each other. I never really felt I knew how to be there for him. I tried, but always ended up feeling ineffectual. As he kept most of his problems to himself, I assume he agreed. Pushing me toward therapy may have been the only way he knew to help me with my issues, but it came across as an unwillingness to listen. Believing that, I kept to myself things like how finding cancer in my thyroid affected me. Neither of us knew how to just listen without offering solutions. 

He was correct in saying we had communication issues. This is one area I'm having trouble forgiving, because he decided they were insurmountable and wholly my fault. We could have gone to couples therapy. We could have researched how to better communicate and tried different things. In his words: he tried yelling. When that didn't work he gave up. 

My failure to do what he wanted, even after he yelled at me, frustrated him. 

He left instructions on how to medicate his cat in OneNote. I instead followed the instructions on the medicine box, which it turns out were different. He deemed this a selfish and willful act that could have hurt his cat. He was in Portugal so had no control. This was the moment he decided he couldn't trust me.   

An addict himself, he still tried to control my addictions. He never fully embraced the joint account, but told me he didn't want me using it for gambling. I borrowed from it anyway, always and only when I knew I could pay it back the next day. He viewed my doing so as stealing, even though the only reason he knew I'd used it was my telling him I'd done so.

There was the issue of his house vs my home. When I moved in, he told me he didn't want me smoking in his house. Marijuana is not something one can just go outside and smoke, especially not 2 to 3 times a day. I smoked out the window in such a way he only knew I'd smoked in the house because he smelled it on me. He never smelled it in the house.  

These were my sins, the failures to communicate he didn't believe we could recover from. I quit getting high several months before the break-up. I banned myself from the casino 2 days prior. I'm not claiming I was RIGHT to behave the way I did, but I still don't believe it was worth breaking up a 13+ year relationship over.

All the blame makes forgiving difficult. I keep telling myself it's possible he said the nasty things he did because alcoholics in the throes of their addiction can be abusive. It surprised me he would behave that way at the time, but upon reflection it made sense. Verbal abuse is something he grew up with. Unfortunately, his choosing to see my behavior in the worst possible light, his inability to understand where I was coming from, still hurts.

We communicated recently. He says he's forgiven me, but the rancor he expressed during that conversation tells me he hasn't. How do I forgive his willingness to think so poorly of me? I can't rationalize it away. It doesn't make sense in the narrative where he loved me, because in my love for him I always tried to view his actions in the best possible light. 

I keep telling myself "it's the place where he's at." Maybe believing the worst about me allows him to justify breaking up with me, giving him the space he needs to work on his problems alone, away from me and mine. 

Maybe some day understanding that will be enough.   

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Today's accomplishments:

23K+ steps

Complete first steps of OMJ Tech Elevator financing application

Balance checkbook

Apply for Tech Elevator scholarship

Shampoo 1/2 basement carpet

Laundry

Dishes

Clean 2nd floor bathroom

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 90/91

Research macramé patterns for air plant hangers

10/13/2020: Design Patterns: Builder

TIL: Builder Design Pattern

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The Builder design pattern is another in the Creation category. While Abstract Factory creates different varieties within a family of objects (like furniture sets that come in different styles), Builder uses interfaces to create different varieties of the same object (like cars). The Builder pattern prevents creation of objects with a large number of optional parameters, or extension of a base class into subclasses covering all available options.

Again, each class or function should do one thing and one thing only. If you find you are implementing the same steps over and over in different ways, consider using a Builder interface.

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Today's accomplishments:

17K+ steps

Research making sofa slip covers

Research dog clicker / whistle training

Finish Thinkful Javascript course

Design Patterns: Builder

Dishes

Make carpet shampoo

Shampoo basement rug

Dry laundry

Finish watching Critical Role campaign 2 episode 89
Stretch