why we can't be friends, revisited

 there's no way to heal the wounds left

when you decided falsely what I felt

no way to obtain all I wanted again

to feel safe and secure in your hands

 

I wanted 'til death do us part

what I have is a broken heart

I needed a love of permanence

when life shredded my confidence

instead you said mine was no longer appealing

you found me unlovable

unredeeming

 

when the darkness of my depression descended

all light left and I could no longer pretend

I was unaffected

I was afraid

I fought to maintain some semblance of function

failing again and again

 

my attention focused on trying to mend

my shattered ego

my broken world

with nothing else of myself to give

I shared my secrets and shame

 

my trust was a gift you didn’t want

instead you held yourself apart

caught up in your own reflection

wounded by my lack of attention

affection

you decided the love I still held in my heart

had gone cold

in silence you chose

 

I needed you to treat me with kindness

Instead you chose willful blindness

blaming

recriminating

berating

your love and good will abated

 

I still love

and want

and yearn

though dimmed now through distance

silence and pain

your resistance to thoughts of return

it’s taken this long to learn

we weren’t what I thought we once were

I know now your love was never for me

but for how I made you feel