Going through all my photos yesterday, being reminded of all the things Jeff and I did together, put him in the forefront of my mind again. I dreamt of him last night. Part of me (buried in scar tissue) still loves him and still wants to be with him. His attitude in the dream reminded that part of me why we can't be together. So I continue to remember, here again are the things making me pull away from that thought:
- He is primarily vegetarian. I am decidedly not. This is not in itself a deal-breaker, but
- He is judgmental and prone to airing his ego. Anything he has chosen is "the best." He dons a holier-than-thou attitude and lectures if you disagree.
- He can't stand to have anyone tell him "no." I had to break myself of a habit when disagreeing with him of first saying "No", because it angered him so.
- He expects people to come to him, reach out to him, call him and invite him in, without his having to do anything but be available. He then gets upset when they don't.
- He despises me for the mental break I suffered when he broke up with me. I came home early from work that day and immediately started purging my belongings, thinking I had to move out of his house as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I did this by throwing it all out the front window (I pulled the actual window out and tossed everything on the front lawn from the 2nd floor - no way I was walking up and down stairs a million times carrying it all!). The 75 gallon aquarium was a challenge to care for most weeks, was overdue for a water change, and I didn't see how I could move, or even care for in what I knew was a precarious mental state, the many many snails and tetra it held. Out the window they went. A year later he made snide comments about what "I'm capable of when angry enough." I wasn't angry. I was devastated and desperate.
- He blames me for everything, including something I had actually been upset with him about when it happened. He blamed me for our communication issues, when he later admitted he was "less honest than the relationship required." He blamed me for giving up on us, when he gave up on me 6 months earlier - without giving me any indication this was the case.
- I was solely responsible for our sex life. He never initiated. There was never sex 2 days in a row, because reasons. The same reasons caused problems if we went too long without, as well. In an effort to maintain our intimacy, I created a routine that put his hands on me almost every day. He decided that was too much of an ask, that I was getting something out of it he felt wasn't reciprocated.
- We have conflicting definitions for important terms like love, commitment, forgiveness, and friendship.
- He doesn't believe I have ADHD and didn't want to learn anything about how that affected our relationship. He showed a similar resistance to accepting or understanding my anxiety, depression, and the resulting addictions - even after I stopped both addictive behaviors.
- He was unable to tell me when he didn't want to do something, instead saying "we'll talk about it." It took me years to figure out that meant no, because we never did talk about it. When I called him on that, he changed it to "we'll see." Similarly, after we broke up he repeatedly told me he'd be willing to try again at some point. It took me a year to realize he was putting me off in the same way, that he wouldn't want to try again as long as he held the low opinion of me he exhibited when we finally did talk about what happened.
- Because I loved him, I always attributed the best possible motives to his actions. He attributes the worst possible motives to mine.
- He refuses to address or even admit he is prone to depression and very likely has abandonment issues, instead choosing to believe going to meetings will fix everything. Granted, following the meetings program would certainly help, but refusing to address the root of his problems makes it ever so much more difficult to deal with the resulting behaviors.
While looking for images to highlight this bulletpoint, I found THIS which most likely explains his thinking, and THIS which discusses the topic in further depth.
- Because I have social anxiety issues, I didn't want to attend his home meeting potlucks. He decided this meant I had no interest in his journey, even though I asked him about his meetings every time he went.
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In part because of the memories, I decided to go copy down my LiveJournal posts. I've lost my MySpace blogging and didn't want to lose these as well. They mention one of the times Jeff and I ran into each other, before we started dating. They talk about how I felt about him, and how I felt about me at the time.
I exported Thankfully Thorns Have Roses as well, and now have a project to convert them from XML to a format I can drop into OneNote. Reading through those with new eyes is interesting as well. I didn't realize how selfish Jeff was even then. We were supposed to run together, often after dark which was uncomfortable for me. He usually ran ahead because I was too slow, forcing me to push myself to catch up. Some pushing is a good thing. Too much pushing can be physically harmful. Now I'm prone to pushing myself too hard anyway, but I wonder how much of my physical issues were intensified by this constant overload. I'd like to say he did this in an effort to help me improve, but I know that isn't true.
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Hopefully I'll think to take pictures next week, since we're planning to try again. Hopefully this will evolve into a regular thing, giving my mother and I an activity to do together and Athena and Bo the opportunity to learn social skills.
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