I'm going to be in trouble come December. This isn't new information, so it's not something I just learned today. It was reinforced by my reading the news on what's happening with the next stimulus package (even if they pass something before the election, how soon can unemployment be implemented?). I'm also getting mixed messages from the Tech Elevator bootcamp (do I start Nov 9th or some time in January?). I've not heard from Ohio Means Jobs about the income share agreement application, other than it usually takes 6-8 weeks to process and I should have heard from someone already. I'm reaching out about these last two tomorrow, but neither will help the overdraft forecasted for December.
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This was sent to me by a friend, and fits with things I've been thinking about lately.
The names of some old friends have come up this week. I've mentioned friends who considered me their ray of sunshine, the happiest person they know, bubbly and positive. This is the idea of me they perceived. The reality of me is I worked very hard at staying positive, because depression was always lurking behind the scenes. I've lost several friends when depression got the better of me. Best friends. Friends I thought I'd figured out how to hold onto. Friends who didn't know how to deal with the neediness or silence of me in a depressive state, because the perception they had of me was I needed no one. I was the positive one, always there for them.
I was there for Jeff too: telling him I loved him all the time, huge on hugs and smooches, sending him cards in the mail, looking for things for us to do together, keeping our sex life alive. Somehow he thought he was more affectionate because he would touch me as he walked in or out of a room. Somehow he couldn't see what I brought to the relationship, or how hard I was trying to maintain a connection with him. His idea of me had changed, into that of a selfish and self-centered person he couldn't rely on.
I'll admit I'm selfish and self-centered, especially when depressed. It makes me very sad he thought he couldn't rely on me though. I would have done just about anything for him. I couldn't simply drop my addiction just because he wanted me to, but his wanting me to made me want to. It makes me very sad he'd already given up on me by the time he told me what he wanted. Even then he was sending mixed messages, telling me to "win it all", enjoying the perks of my high-roller status at the casinos, then berating me about gambling during family meeting. I'm not saying I was right. I'm also not the only one wrong here.
I've thought often about what I will say when future potential mates ask about what happened. The most succinct version I can come up with is: "We both had problems. He decided he was better off dealing with his alone." When I say it like that, I can forgive him. When I remember all the things he said and did during the breakup, I'm still angry. I haven't forgiven those. I haven't forgiven his judgmental snarkiness when we talked about the breakup a year later. I haven't forgiven his change of heart. In my world, love don't die.
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