I wish I didn't give him so much real estate in my head.
In watching American Ninja Warrior, one of the elite athletes is married to woman with MS. Her arms and legs are sticks. She's in a wheelchair. I remind myself, had I been stricken with more severe cancer than the brush I experienced, had I been in an accident and really needed to rely on him, he would have been gone just as fast. He left because he felt abandoned, because I was too involved in my depression to give him the attention he wanted. He was not there for me. I was not there for him either, but I also wasn't about to leave him.
He left for other reasons too, which were related to my addictions. It makes me sad he couldn't be patient as I found my way back from them. It makes me sad he didn't see me trying, and my trying wasn't enough for him to stay. It makes me sad I believed him when he said he was in it for the long haul. It makes me sad I put my faith and trust into someone who wasn't willing to work with me through the hard times. We weren't married but I considered our relationship as if we were - in sickness and in health. He was ok with health, but not sickness.
I wonder when I'll stop thinking about this so often.
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