11/30/2020:

Bootcamp started today. As expected, the first week will go rather easily as people get up to speed on basic programming fundamentals I'm already familiar with. This is not to say I'm phoning it in. We went over bash command line commands and GIT commands, and I learned a few things in both areas. I didn't know pwd to get the path to where you are. It was good to go over the other basic commands, as I don't use bash often. In GIT, I've always used branching and have just cloned any other repositories, so never had the opportunity to use an upstream project. 

I was able to get my homework done during the lecture, which as I remember it was how I did the majority of my homework in high school. I still ilstened, and paid closer attention if I heard anything I thought was new or different. I don't know if I'll be able to do this through the entire program. I expect at some point I'll have to pay closer attention. They do give us two days to complete homework, but there is also daily reading to outline. There will also be Pathway program homework.

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I emailed Leo asking if he'd heard from his supervisor regarding the supplement funds after my unemployment ends.

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I asked Brian where Jack Entertainment has thier business offices. Luckily for me they're at Thistledown, so I don't have to pay for parking when I go stand on someone's desktop to get my 2018 wiun/loss statement.

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I had to talk to a Dr. for approval to get a COVID test. Because my insurance company has a discount code, and reimburses the $49 fee, I used their recommended virtual Dr. It worked out well enough. She agreed I probably just have a cold, but better safe than sorry so gave me the order to get the test. I was surprised to find I couldn't get an appointment until Wednesday afternoon at any of the nearby CVS stores. Ultimately I ended up at the one on Mayfield near Lander, as opposed to the one right around the corner on SOM.

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I tried to call the Unemployment office about my claim, since it's now been 4 weeks and the last correspondence I received said it takes about 3 weeks to process. Apparently they're not taking phone calls. The automated system apologized then hung up on me. 
I heard from the company handling my 2018 tax situation. They are filing a 30-day extension request. Now if I can just get Jack to send me my 2018 win/loss statement, and get the account verification to get my 2018 tax forms from the IRS site, I'll be good to go. 

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I've taken 10K+ steps for 48 days in a row... until today. It started snowing last night, and isn't supposed to stop until Wednesday morning. Not surprisingly, Athena did not want to walk in the snowstorm. It was something just to get her to pee outside. I have a patch of grass I've grown in a tray in the basement for just such occasions, but she doesn't seem to understand it's for her. Maybe if I had it upstairs on the 2nd floor.

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Accomplishments:

6K + steps

11/29/2020: Definitely something

My temperature is holding at 98.4 with Sudafed + Claritin to combat the sinus congestion. I can still feel the pressure but I can breathe. So far there's nothing happening in my chest. I have bootcamp until 2pm tomorrow, and will call the tele-doctor indicated on my insurance immediately after. It will cost $50, which should then be reimbursed. I should then be able to schedule a test at the CVS near me. 

From what I can find, if I test positive I need to quarantine for 3 weeks. I'll still have to walk Athena, but I normally don't get any closer than across the street. Abnormally, I carry a cloth and cover my nose and mouth with cloth and hand. The closest I've come to anyone is more than 6 feet, when I was taken by surprise by another dog walker running down a dark street the other night. 

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Even sick, I ran on our walk tonight. I can't show the map because Google doesn't know about the cut through the guard rail between neighborhoods on the route I took. Ultimately it was the same run/walk as last night. 

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Accomplishments:

Day 6 run

18K+ steps

Dishes

11/28/2020: Don't Wanna and definitely sick

Because I'm more comfortable on a regular sized keyboard, and because it's easier to code with multiple monitors, I thought to install the bootcamp programs on the desktop in my office. Then it occurred to me there are probably licenses on the laptop. Luckily I have an extra monitor and keyboard, but then I had to figure out where I could set these up. I didn't like the idea of a permanent installation on my dining table, so decided the basement was the only other place. Today, I cleaned and rearranged a little to make room.

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I bailed on the family Zoom call. No excuses. I was catching up here and listening to/watching The Adventures of the Darrington Brigade. The time came up and I just... didn't wanna. 

I'm feeling a lot of don't wanna, lately. I walk Athena because I have to, but left as late as possible this morning. Once out I realized I was in don't wanna, and successfully fought it enough to get in a decent walk.

I'm still binging. I'm still not sleeping well. I'm still stressing over not having anything I can do about my financial situation. The only thing I could think of was to email the people working on my taxes, asking about an extension. The IRS wants to hear from me by December 9 and I have yet to hear from Jack Entertainment about my 2018 win/loss statements. Of course, I won't hear anything back until after the weekend. 

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I'm definitely sick with something. My nose started running like a faucet tonight, and I have a low grade fever. My temperature is normally around 97.9, and I'm checking in at 98.4. It's all in my sinuses at the moment, but it's definitely more than a sinus infection. If I'm reading my insurance correctly, I need a doctor to sign off on getting a COVID test. I can't do that until Monday earliest, unless I want to spend $50 I don't have.

Even worse, I might have gotten Brian and a whole slew of idiots at the mall sick, too.

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Accomplishments:

13K+ steps

Dust and vacuum basement

Wash blanket
Dishes
 

11/27/2020: Stymied Binge Mode

It seems Athena doesn't like running first thing in the morning, so we ran on our evening walk. We took the same route as the day before yesterday, but only ran on the way home. My legs are starting to get tired and I wore the wrong shoes - at least that was my excuse. I tell myself I'm good, as long as I'm running at least a little every day. 

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I'm still stressing, stymied by my financial situation. My credit card balance is climbing, and my minimum payment doesn't cover the interest. There is nothing I can do, no one I can call because holiday weekend. 

I'm avoiding, watching All Work No Play, plowing my way through a box of ice cream sandwiches, pumpkin drop cookies, and an overabundance of Thanksgiving Turkey Tots. I scheduled a list of chores on my calendar yesterday, then ignored all the reminders. I moved them to today, got the sheets changed first thing, then again ignored the reminders.

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I had lunch with Brian today. We had sushi near the mall, then Brian wanted to visit the comic book store in the mall. That was extremely uncomfortable, with so many people. it was impossible to stay 6 feet away from everyone. There were also several not wearing masks, or wearing their masks wrong. I suppose if you've already had the virus you really don't care about masks.

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My nose started running a bit tonight. I've been fighting a sinus infection for several days, so I'm not sure if that has gotten worse or if I'm coming down with the plague. I've been to Walmart, Giant Eagle, and Costco in the past few days, so it's altogether possible I ran into someone contagious or picked something up someone contagious touched. 

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Accomplishments:

19K+ steps

Change bedroom sheets

Wash bedroom sheets

Stretch

11/26/20202: Thanksgiving is just another day

I wanted to give Athena time to warm up this morning so I didn't have to drag her when we started running. I ended up dragging her anyway 😧. I made the mistake of letting her have her way in the rain the other day, so now she thinks she can decide when we go home. It took a minute to convince her she really had no choice. I hate to think what people watching think, but I'm the one walking her not the other way around.

If I don't run at least a little every day, if I skip a day, I'm afraid I'll just not do it again. This morning, my knee was twingey I was surprised at how tired my legs were. I weighed the fear of skipping against the fear of screwing my knee up again, and the knee won. Instead of running, we walked briskly for 3.3 miles. In doing so, I started feeling and focusing on using my sartorius and rectus femoris (only known because of the image below). This is exciting for me, because it feels like I'm building muscles I haven't really worked before. 

Tonight my knee felt better, so we ran a bit. Essentially, we walked every North South street and alternated run/walk for every East West street (except for the little hook circle street at the Southernmost point). 

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Contrary to the title of this post, Thanksgiving is not just another day. No one works on Thanksgiving, meaning my financial status is in stasis with absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I couldn't contact anyone at unemployment, since it's now been 4 weeks since I submitted my application. I've called Jack Entertainment multiple times with no response, trying to get a copy of my 2018 win/loss statement for the IRS letter I received on the 18th. I haven't heard from my Ohio Means Jobs coach, on whether his supervisor approved submitting the unemployment extension to get me through the entirety of the bootcamp. 

Not surprisingly, I'm binging and not sleeping well. Other than actually getting a run in, my day consisted of watching Critical Role's AWNP Unplugged and a text string trying to coordinate a family Zoom call.  

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Accomplishments:

18K+ steps

Bathe Athena

Dishes

Stretch

11/25/2020: Running, financials, and trash TV

Athena apparently does not like to run first thing in the morning. Either that or we're not walking enough to get her warmed up before I start running. It's not like I'm running very far or very fast, but she lags behind such that I find myself pulling her along. She did finally pick up the pace toward the end of our walk/run, which is what makes me think she needed to warm up. Either that or she finally figured out what I was trying to do.

We walked down and around the corner to the other side of the block, then ran a block walked a block until the street dead ended. We then walked up to the next side street and repeated the run walk process until that street dead ended. We walked to the bottom of the street and around the block until we were back at the side street we'd come across on, then repeated the whole process in reverse. Overall we covered approximately 3 miles. 

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My financials are very much up in the air. I still haven't received confirmation my unemployment claim was accepted, even with the email yesterday saying I have benefits until December 12. I heard from my Ohio Means Jobs coach this morning, who is asking his supervisor if that email was enough to move forward on a request for an additional extension. Meanwhile I have $130 in my account, and bills hitting in less than a week. Not surprisingly, I'm not sleeping well lately...

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In my attempt to escape, and because I got into the habit watching Critical Role, I'm watching far too much trash TV. I'm embarrassed to admit Keeping Up With the Kardashians is holding my interest, and I'm not even doing macrame or art of any kind. I'm literally watching and can't believe I haven't grown bored yet. I think the only redeeming factor is they eventually end up communicating. They argue and fight and insult each other, but eventually they work it out. I'm interested in that type of conflict resolution communication, especially after my experiences with Jeff. 

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Accomplishments:

Dishes

17K+ steps

Watch Critical Role

Balance accounts

Grocery shopping

Clean toilets

11/24/2020: Running, Athena toys, and unemployment

I had an online journal in 2002, moved to journal on MySpace after that, then started blogging in 2013. This was around the same time I started running with Jeff. I never did enjoy the actual act of running, except when sprinting. I felt like I was flying then, but can only sprint in short bursts. I did enjoy knowing I HAD run. Unfortunately, running caused me a lot of pain and ultimately knee surgery. After the surgery I couldn't even walk without pain for over a year, so running went away.

Knowing all that, I find I enjoy running with Athena. I can only run for a minute or two, and if I don't stretch I pay for it the next day. She gets so much enjoyment out of it though, it makes me laugh. I don't think as much about how uncomfortable I am, watching her. Combine that with a boredom in our twice daily walks, plus it's getting colder outside, plus I'll have less time with bootcamp and ultimately working again, plus I seem to be stuck at 190 lb and can't add any more time to our walks. Suddenly I find I'm interested in running again.

I decided to start slow and focus on how I feel. We walked up the block this morning, ran the little offshoot at the top of the street, then headed down the next street over. We ran from fire hydrant to fire hydrant, walked the next, ran the next, all the way down the street. We walked between streets, did the same up the next street over, then walked home. We will walk tonight, I've an alarm set to stretch before bed, and we'll try running again tomorrow morning. 

edit: It was raining/snowing on our evening walk, and Athena balked before we even got to the corner. She will walk in light rain, but really REALLY doesn't like when she starts to feel wet. She literally sat down and utterly refused to continue. I've successfully pulled her along until she gave up when she got like this in the past, but I don't like doing that. I've decided days like this are rest days, and am content as long as she pees while we're out. It's the first time in 48 days I've not reached 10K steps. Next time I'll get on the treadmill or go out without her. 

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Athena's new toy. It keeps her entertained for like 5 minutes. It would entertain her longer if I let her chew on it. 

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It seems unemployment in Ohio has improved enough the extended benefits are now reduced from 20 weeks. I received an email today indicating I'm only eligible to receive benefits until December 12.

This is just two weeks after the bootcamp starts, and 3 months before it ends. My Ohio Means Jobs coach indicated he would request an additional extension for me, back when I believed my benefits would last until the end of January. I don't know how long that request takes, nor if it would actually be approved, but I've forwarded the above email to him. 

Not that I wish ill on anyone, but considering the latest COVID news it's possible Ohio unemployment will go up again. I doubt it will up the extension within the next 3 weeks though. It's also possible Congress will finally pass the stimulus package they've been arguing over for months. Again, I doubt that will happen within the next 3 weeks. 

I do not yet have confirmation my unemployment benefits claim has actually been accepted. Once I have that confirmation, I can do the math to determine how long I have before I run out of money again. Meanwhile, I wait to hear from my coach, prepare to start the bootcamp, and hope. I'm not happy to be on unemployment for another 3 months, but I'm invested in this bootcamp and that's what it will take to complete it. 

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Accomplishments:

7K steps

Put away laundry

Clean kitchen

Dishes

Make falafel

Make fried chickpeas

Watch Narrative Television round 2 episode 2

Watch Critical Role

11/23/2020: Bootcamp equipment pickup and unemployment update

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), the Tech Elevator bootcamp provides everyone a laptop. I guess it makes some sense. We don't get to keep the laptop after the bootcamp is over, but this way at least they know everyone has the same equipment. I got the impression the actual coding would happen online, so really all one needs is internet and a compatible browser. I wonder if they provide equipment to every cohort, or if the Ohio Means Jobs cohort is different in that respect. I do know we don't have to pay the $125 application fee, but I assumed OMJ is paying that for us. 

Regardless, I went downtown to pick up my equipment today and attended the Zoom meeting to get it all set up. 

They had us dress business casual so we could have a LinkedIn headshot picture taken. I'm still waiting for those to be emailed, so here's one of me I took when I got home. I didn't get a good look at the ones they took, but from what I saw I'll probably use this one. Even if I do look stiff and like a deer in headlights. I have no idea why I tilt my head like that in every picture of me ever taken. 

 We have a virtual meet and greet tomorrow at noon, and the actual bootcamp starts next Monday. 

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It's been 3 weeks since I submitted my re-application for unemployment. I should still have 12 weeks remaining in the 20 of extended benefits Ohio implemented with the current high unemployment rate. Because the last correspondence I received indicated approval would take 3 weeks, I called today. The automated system said my application is still in process and should be finalized "soon". I wanted to speak with someone in person, but the hold times were 30+ minutes and I don't know they could tell me anything more than the automated system. If "soon" doesn't materialize in a day or two I will call back and hold until I can speak with someone. My bootcamp financial paperwork is waiting on this, and I'm concerned it will cause problems if I can't get this resolved in my definition of soon. 

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Accomplishments:

14K steps

Dry and fold sweats and towels

Change passwords per Chrome passwords scan

11/22/2020: Definitely sinus infection

I have the worst fall allergies. My eyes stream tears every time I go outside, and every year I'm guaranteed to get at least one sinus infection. I'm sure doctors would cringe at this, but I've learned I can get rid of sinus infections by pulling the cotton end off a q-tip, covering it with triple antibiotic ointment, and VERY CAREFULLY inserting it into my sinuses. There are 2 avenues of access in each nostril - from this image I'm thinking they are the middle nasal concha and the inferior nasal concha.

All I really know is, it works. I can feel a sinus infection coming on by the pressure and congestion I can't relieve through blowing my nose or allergy medication. I apply the ointment before I go to bed, and if necessary again when I wake up. Sometimes it takes a few days, but it works. 

Because this worked again, I'm certain what I've been fighting is a sinus infection and not COVID. Because my temperature is normally in the 97 range, I consider my current 98.4 a mild fever. I still register below 98.6 though, so I'm not concerned. 

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Accomplishments:

12K steps

Wash laundry, sweats and towels

Dry and fold laundry

11/21/2020: COVID or sinus infection?

Chris told me the other day his fiance tested positive for COVID, and is exhibiting symptoms. Chris tested negative the next day, which was a relief. Meanwhile, I've been fighting a sinus infection all week. I didn't think anything of it until last night, when it turned into full-on congestion. Now I'm concerned I might have COVID. Of course, my insurance requires my primary physician recommend the test, which means I can't get tested until Monday at the earliest. 

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I've spent the week watching all the trash TV. Mostly, I'm watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians as if it were Critical Role. I think catching up with Critical Role set me up with a habit I'm going to have to break once the bootcamp starts up. 

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Accomplishments:

14K steps

Laundry

11/20/2020: completing the bootcamp

I watched the bootcamp videos today, and they were all of 5 or 10 minutes each. They also covered content I already knew, so I watched them on 1.5x speed. 

Tech Elevator wanted everyone to complete a strengths assessment. This turned out to mean rating myself between two statements, choosing the one closest to how I see myself. Combined with the Pymetrics results, I end up with the following:

Restorative: I love to solve problems. I enjoy the challenge of analyzing symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution.

Developer: I see the potential in others, believing each individual is a work in progress. 

Consistency: I find balance important. I believe people function best in a consistent environment, where the rules are clear and applied equally and expectations are clear. 

Harmony: I look for areas of agreement, try to find common ground, and prefer to talk about matters on which everyone can agree. 

Input: I am inquisitive and find many things interesting, collecting and archiving information. 

Emotion: I interpret emotion based on the surrounding context, learning best when analyzing things in depth with a detail-oriented approach. 

Numerical Agility: I take a careful, measured, and deliberate approach to solving numerical and logical problems. I prefer taking time to reach the best solution, considering all sources of information before deciding how to solve problems. I'm happiest with the opportunity to reflect and plan. 

Effort: I approach work selectively, focusing on high reward for time invested and outcomes over amount of effort. I am most comfortable in non-competitive environments that support individual learning.

Attention: I prefer too complete tasks in a methodical, thorough, and restrained manner. I prefer to avoid making mistakes, focusing on accuracy over speed. One of the downsides of this is a tendency to over-invest in accuracy and thoroughness when completion is more important. I learn best in a linear, logical, structured fashion, using a step-by-step approach and ingesting small bites of information at a time in a non-pressurized environment. 

Fairness: I prefer to see the best in others. I prefer and find it easy to work in teams, and I tend to accept how work and resources are delegated. I value positive collaboration and learn best in a non-competitive environment with mutual respect and trust.  

Risk Tolerance: I prefer to carefully test options, and tend to choose the safest method to achieve an objective. I don't like to make mistakes, and am adverse to negative outcomes.

Generosity: I trust the good intentions of others, and can easily balance my interest with others' needs.

Learning: I approach situations and tasks in familiar ways, as opposed to experimenting with new methods. I prefer to consider options before changing my approach, and learn better in a non-pressurized, stable learning environment with well-defined processes.

Decision Making: I prefer to reflect before making decisions, and try to thinks things through before reacting to a situation. I learn best in non-pressurized environments, using clear and thorough learning plans.

Focus: I'm conflicted in this category. My preference is to apply a focused and consistent approach to work, fully concentrating on and learning one thing at a time in a stable environment without distractions. The flip side is that of a quick thinker who tends to handle changes in the environment with ease. I don't feel this is accurate, though I do tend to work on multiple tasks at once. I don't believe I adapt to changing circumstances with efficiency. In short, I don't believe focus is a strength. 

Quantitative Reasoning: I tend to solve numerical and logical problems with precision, and prefer environments where accuracy and mastering the intricacies behind the material are rewarded.

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Accomplishments:

18K steps

Complete bootcamp prework

11/19/2020: prework avoidance

I've been avoiding the bootcamp pre-work, and thought I had until the end of next week to complete everything. I logged onto Slack today and saw a message saying it was due Monday the 23rd. Reading more messages, I learn I have until Friday the 20th.

I'm not concerned with the FreeCodeCamp tutorials, and completed them easily. Something about the videos though, has me avoiding and putting up walls. I didn't think they would be too hard or that I couldn't understand them, but I did think they would be long and involved. Shortly after I was laid off, I watched the first of the Harvard CS50 class on YouTube, and thought these videos would be similar. 

I realize avoiding is counter-productive when I believe watching them will be long and involved. I blame my avoidance on ADHD. I'm not a fan of videos and lectures in general. I find it difficult to concentrate for that long, and though I've tried I've never learned how to take effective notes. 

I also blame ADHD for procrastination. Problems with organization, prioritization, and planning make it difficult to get started, and last-minute propulsion provides the motivation to get things done. And while I do not believe the content is too difficult, I still have insecurity and a fear of failure to contend with.

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I've also been avoiding the scholarship video assessment, in part because I hate seeing myself on video. I actually showered today, and left my hair down instead of braiding it the way I have been for the last year or so. Braiding may have looked more professional. I don't know. I have no concept of what professional looks like any longer. 

In addition to hating the way I look, I am not capable of speaking succinctly. The video assessment gives 90 seconds for a response. The practice questions were simple, and It couldn't answer them in the time allotted. When it came to the real assessment, the questions were far more complicated. They gave me something like 2 minutes to compose my answers before the recording started, but I still got cut off on every one. I am also not happy with the subjects I chose to talk about. I can't imagine they will award me the scholarship. I wouldn't give it to me, based on my answers. 

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Accomplishments:

14K steps

Complete FreeCodeCamp Javascript course

Complete practice assessment for Tech Elevator scholarship

Submit live assessment for Tech Elevator scholarship

11/18/2020: MyRA

Today I am thankful I saved my MyRA application information, which includes the account number. With this and my Rockwell Employee Connect access, I am able to document the contributions I made to the accounts as payroll direct deposits. 

Retirement Clearinghouse responded to my online request, indicating they have no records for me because I closed the account before they took over when the program ended. They suggested I contact Comerica, who suggested I contact the IRS for a copy of the 1099-R I'm missing. I tried calling the IRS but their automated system determined they couldn't help me right now and hung up on me. I then signed up for an IRS online account, but that system could not verify my cell number so I could not complete that process. I am now waiting for a verification code to arrive by mail in the next 5-10 business days. Once I have that code, I can complete the online account activation process and download my 2018 taxes including forms and schedules. I'm simultaneously doubtful and hopeful the 1099-R will be included with the forms.

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Accomplishments:

10K+ Steps

Contact casinos to obtain 2018 win/loss statements

Fill out and submit request form for MGM 2018 win/loss statement

Contact Comerica to obtain MyRA 1099

Sign up for IRS online account, to obtain MyRA 1099

Bake more turkey leftovers

Clean kitchen stove and counters

Dishes

Sweep kitchen floor

Catch up on news

11/17/2020: 2018 Federal Tax Audit and COVID

So this came in the mail today:

The IRS cited:

• HSA distributions, which I have records for. Every single payment went to a doctor.
  
  
• State income tax refund, which actually was included in my filing.
  
  
• Retirement Income Gross, which was also included in my filing. I don't have the 1099-R, but I do have a printout of the withdrawal. If I remember correctly, I didn't actually receive the 1099-R until something like the 4th quarter of 2018, WELL after filing.
  
  Because I didn't have the 1099-R, I most likely used "MyRA" for this instead of the correct custodian, Comerica Bank. I also may not have completed the second part of filing correctly. The only way to deposit into a MyRA account was through paycheck direct deposit, which means the basis was money I contributed. I had to go through my paychecks and calculate this, as I don't currently have access to the records. 
  
  The account was with MyRA, a government Roth IRA program started in 2014 and shut down in 2018 by President Trump. Accounts and customer service are now administered by Retirement Clearinghouse, whom I've contacted for the relevant records. Hopefully obtaining them won't be too costly or painful.
  
  
• Gambling income. I don't have the 1099s for this and it appears I did not include them on my taxes. I took the standard deduction, and my losses way outweighed my winnings so I would have written them off. I couldn't log into my accounts since I banned myself from the casinos, so have to call them for win/loss statements from 2018.

I'm thankful I used Credit Karma to file my taxes in 2018, and again in 2019. 

Turns out they offered a free audit defense policy. It only lasted a year, but having filed in 2019 the policy was extended for 2018. I've contacted them, and will see what happens. 

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I also found out today my youngest's fiance tested positive for COVID, and is feeling the symptoms. He will be tested tomorrow. The only bright side to this is, they are not yet living together so his exposure was limited to some degree. Unfortunately, I believe they spend every weekend together. As I understand it, people are contagious before they are symptomatic. It's likely Christopher has also contracted the disease. I've told both him and his fiance they are forbidden to die - in part for humor's sake. Supposedly the military isn't playing around with this, so I'm hopeful. 

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Accomplishments:

18K+ Steps

Cook and freeze turkey leftovers

Dishes

11\16\2020: Google says it's cancer

I noticed large black spots on Athena's eyeball today. Google of course says it's cancer. Or maybe pigmentation from trauma (I'm thinking the last fight she got into). I can't tell when they appeared from the pictures I have of her, so don't know if she's had them all along. From what I read they are most likely affecting her vision, which makes me wonder if they are the cause of (or at least contributing to) her jumpiness.

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Today I'm thankful again for a warm puppy to snuggle with, and also that the power was only out for 24 hours. The ice in my freezer was still ice, and the food in my refrigerator was still chilled. Of course, the temperature in the house was colder than the normal fridge temperature, so that helped. Athena and I spent the morning in bed, again under a pile of blankets, until the power came back on some time around 1:00.  

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Today's accomplishments:

12K+ steps

Dishes

11\15\2020: pit bull bans and thankfuls

I'm getting tired of the broken record in my head, repeating "move back to Jeff's house" every time I think about my pending unemployment application. I'm not going anywhere without Athena, and it occurred to me Shaker Heights might have a ban on pit bulls. If so, the voice would certainly have to shut down! Research on the topic was ... Counter-productive.

Turns out Shaker Heights DID have a ban, which was repealed in 2016. It seems the federal courts decided you can't judge an entire breed by the behavior of a few dogs. I found that tidbit while researching the laws in Stow, where my BFF lives. Stow doesn't have a ban on pit bulls specifically, but BFF says her rescue dog is "mouthy." Given Athena's history, I'm not comfortable having her live with another dog anyway. She didn't get into it with Bo right away, but they did eventually fight. That rules out both local siblings. Cleveland Heights, where my mother lives, does have a ban in place. 

I would ask Gail if I could live in her basement, but Athena would eat her cats. 

I can ask Berto if I could move in with him and his mother. It would be difficult to cover my essential expenses, plus the invariable increase on his utility bills. With him making barely over minimum wage, I cannot ask him to float utility costs for a few months. I have no other options though. It's either Berto or Jeff. At least Berto has room dividers in his basement, a side door right at the basement stairs, and washer dryer hookups he's not currently using. The ability to use my washer and dryer might be incentive for him to let me stay.  

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Thankful: pleased and relieved. Expressing gratitude and relief.

Grateful: feeling or showing an appreciation of kindness; thankful. Received or experienced with gratitude; welcome.

I decided I want to take time every day to find something I'm grateful and thankful about. Interesting that the definitions are circular, each including the other. The main difference seems to be a feeling of relief when thankful. Good to know.

Today I'm thankful and grateful for a warm puppy to snuggle with. We had high winds all day, and the power went out early in the afternoon. The temperature dropped to freezing outside, so the house was quite cold. Athena and I snuggled under a pile of blankets, keeping each other warm. I'm so glad she's a snuggle bug! 

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Today's accomplishments:

11K+ steps

11/14/2020: Carpet cleaning and turkey

Today I finally found the motivation I've been missing all week. I realized I was getting stuck when sitting down after Athena's morning walk. I sit down on the couch, Athena curls up next to me, and I end up watching Netflix, Hulu, or Youtube for the rest of the day. 

I spent most of the day cleaning the living room carpet and rugs. I'd cleaned the carpet and rug under the dining table last Sunday, and have been living with the carpet cleaner and vacuum in the living room ever since. I swept the kitchen floor so I could clean the rug there, allowing it to dry while I cleaned the carpet. 

I also finally washed the dishes. Normally I'm ok leaving dishes in the side sink to soak for a day or two, depending on how many dishes I've used. This time they filled the sink and half the counter before I finally got them into the dishwasher. 

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Believing Athena is allergic to chicken, I wondered if she would have the same problem with turkey. Chicken (especially dark meat) is relatively inexpensive, but if she's allergic I have to find another option. I have a chest freezer, and am willing to fill it with frozen turkeys if I can get them at holiday prices. I want the bones and dark meat for her anyway. 

The other option is pork. There aren't a lot of pork-based dog foods, but from my research it appears that might be because humans actually consume so much of the pig. If I pressure cook the bones as if I was making bone soup, I should be able to break them down in the blender the same way I do chicken bones now. She's thrown up undigested bone in the past, so I don't want to just give her the bones to chew on even if she would love a daily gnaw. Again, I want the bones for the nourishment they provide. 

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Today's accomplishments:

15K+ steps

Sweep kitchen

Clean living rugs and carpet

Dishes

Catch up on the latest Critical Role

11/13/2020: Narrative Telephone and election news

My BFF became obsessed with D&D about 6 months ago. It's something I've been interested in since high school, but never had friends willing to play with me. At one point I tried to get Jeff interested in playing, but he didn't want to play with inexperienced me. Just one more thing to remember when the part of me that still loves him starts to surface. Turns out Craig and my emergency backup son Dan have been playing. They allowed me to join their campaign, so I am finally able to play. 

I digress. A lot. My point was, my BFF introduced me to Critical Role, which is "a bunch of nerdy-ass voice actors playing dungeons and dragons" on Twitch TV. They have been playing 4-5 hours, once a week, for 5 years now. They started on Geek and Sundry, then branched off onto their own channel. The videos are all on YouTube, and I finally got caught up a few weeks ago. 

I wanted (and still want) to watch their Pub Draw, but have not as yet started that series. Instead I've been watching Hulu and Netflix. So much television, when I used to not watch television at all. I blame Critical Role, as I've been watching/listening to them for months. 

I digress again. my real point is, today I spent the day watching Critical Role's Narrative Telephone. This is based on the child's game Telephone, where one person whispers something to another, who whispers it to another, and it goes down the line. Invariably, the original something morphs into something else. Looking for quarantine content, Critical Role virtualized this child's game. It starts with one of the group telling a short story, then sending the video to another member of the group. They are only allowed to watch it once - verified by one of the production staff. The 2nd person then has to record a retelling of the story from memory, and so on down the line. The result is hilarious, especially with the crew watching and commenting. 

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I also caught up on election news. I knew Biden won, but also knew Trump was not willing to accept losing. Right now I'm getting most of my news from the NY Times. I found it interesting the larger law firms are distancing themselves from Trump's election lawsuits. I wasn't at all surprised to find out how many lawsuits he'd filed. I read articles about his finances when portions of his tax records were finally produced. He has a pattern of using litigation to get what he wants, because settling tends to be less expensive than defending against his accusations. That tactic will not work this time. I found it sad so many Trump supporters were still hoping they would.

I'm curious to see if his tax evasion and business failures will catch up with him once he's out of office. His supporters expect him to be a contender in 2024. I hope by then he's in jail. 

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Today's accomplishments:

18K+ steps

Bathe Athena

Edited to put posts in chronological order

11/12/2020: Buddy vs Duff and verification of Athena's allergies

I've had Buddy vs Duff in Hulu's My Stuff for quite some time, and finally took the time to watch it today. I watched the entire series. I am a fan of the show Cake Boss, not so much a fan of Buddy. I find him overly competitive and repetitive. So tired of "Hobokin style, baby!" I can't deny his creativity though. I find I'm equally annoyed with Duff, for similar reasons. 

Both bakers came off as sore losers. Neither was willing to admit the other actually beat them in a challenge, regardless of the judge's results. That said, I found Duff far more creative than Buddy. Part of that was style. Buddy does have a larger than life, cartoony artistic style. He doesn't stray far from his comfort zone. What Duff produces is more like fine art, and he's not afraid to try something new to achieve his goals. 

IMO, Buddy won hands down on execution - a function doing what he's always done. Duff even admitted he makes mistakes, in part because he's willing to try new things. I think those mistakes cost him the competition. He produced a very entertaining show in one round, but the cake he was supposed to produce was nothing more than a thin veneer of the much larger show prop. In the final round, he didn't verify his motorized cake actually worked prior to presentation. 

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I'm not 99% certain Athena is allergic to chicken. Not thinking, I gave her the cartilage from a drumstick. Lo and behold, the rash is back. She may be allergic to more than just chicken, as her toes still looked like they had hot spots even after the rash disappeared. It's possible the few days was not enough to get all of the chicken out of her system, and the hot spots would disappear given more time. One way or another, I'll find out. 

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Today's accomplishments:

11K+ steps

11/11/2020: Forensic files and Athena rashes

Still avoiding. Still procrastinating and binging and stressing about money and unemployment. I spent the day watching Forensic Files from 2011. I'm something of a true crime buff, but the show did not age well. So many deaths by arsenic. Toward the end of the shows I watched they started focusing on breakthroughs in forensic science, which was interesting. Using dental casting material to match ballistic information to an altered gun barrel. Developing a technique to test cremation remains for arsenic. Advances in DNA decoding, and how it could be applied to forensics. 

There are 9 seasons of this on Netflix. I think for now I've had my fill. Moving on to more important things. 

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I'm almost completely certain Athena is allergic to chicken. It's either that or oatmeal. The latest batch of food I made for her is rice and salmon based, and she's been rash free for 2 days. She's had crackers and corn chips in the past few days, so I can take wheat and corn off the list. She's had her nose in the grass too, so it's not that. 

If I can get her rash free for a week, I'll reintroduce chicken and see what happens. If she doesn't react to that, I'll get her rash free for another week, then reintroduce oatmeal. So nice to be so close to figuring this out. 

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Today's accomplishments:

15K+ steps

Bake potato chip cookies

Dishes

11/10/2020: Don't get cocky

I completed the Bootstrap and jQuery FreeCodeCamp courses today, moving closer to completing the Tech Elevator pre-work. I don't know why they suggested it would take 8 hours to complete these modules, as they took me all of one hour. Do I remember all the syntax? No. Do I have the concepts necessary to find the syntax and proceed? Yes. 

This is just the beginning though. The javascript module is listed as 10 hours itself, and while I'm familiar with coding I am not familiar with javascript syntax. I've seen javascript before, and found it confusing at the time. 

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Today's accomplishments:

14K+ steps

Tech Elevator FreeCodeCamp Bootstrap course

Tech Elevator FreeCodeCamp jQuery course

11/9/2020: Married at first sight

I spent the day watching Married at First Sight, which to be honest is not good for the "don't think about Jeff so much" plan. This is helping me ignore the unemployment / financial stress, but it is not helping my stress levels in general. 

The idea is each person decides to commit to a lifelong relationship with someone they are paired with by experts (marriage counselor, psychologist, sex therapist). The couples meet at the alter, then work to create a relationship over the course of 8 weeks. These weeks include a honeymoon, then living together in a neutral apartment. There are some get togethers with the other couples participating. There is communication with and homework assignments from the experts. 

Starting from a base of "I'm committed to making this work" theoretically takes ending the relationship off the table, but in reality it doesn't. The couples can decide to end it at any time, decide whether or not to end it at the 8 week mark, and in one case threaten to end it every other day. 

I relate every argument, every disagreement, every intervention by the experts, to what happened with Jeff. I filter the communication exercises through the problems we had. I define and redefine the word commitment based on how Jeff defined it and on what I'm seeing. Ultimately the definition always comes back to "stay." Do whatever it takes to make it work, because stay. 

Don't leave me. Don't reject me. 

I love the idea of having experts find the right person for me, especially based on the men I've chosen in the past. It makes me think of where Joyce was when she found Josh: "no more fixer uppers." I don't know how to find the right person for me. After Jeff, I don't know how to trust the person is actually telling me the truth or letting me see his real self. I thought Jeff was emotionally and sexually mature, but he either regressed or never really was there in the first place. 

Part of me still wants to try again. That part hopes he will regret his decision, be willing to admit he made a mistake by leaving the relationship, and reach out wanting to try again. That part tells me his behavior was based in his addictions and insecurities. I certainly said and did things I don't consider normal for me. I've done things I wish I didn't consider "normal" for me. 

The show is making me think about who I used to be, and who I'd like to be in the future. I like the silly, laughing, fun-loving, creative, adventurous person I used to be. I've not been that person for a long time, and would like to find my way back. I'd like to do the things I want, even if they scare me. I'm going to be scared more often than I'd like, but that doesn't have to stop me. 

I'd like to be a morally better person. I started to say more honest, but realize I say what I think off the top of my head and share more than some people are comfortable with. Honesty is not the issue. The only time I lied to Jeff was in relation to my addictions, and then only when he made it clear the truth wouldn't be accepted. So much of what he was angry with me over, he wouldn't have known had I not told him in the first place. 

Theft is a problem. I still don't feel I stole from our joint account. I borrowed knowing I would be able to pay it back within a day or two. Because he asked (told?) me not to use that account, he considers it theft. I did steal from him that Christmas though. I did steal from his coin bucket. I did take refunds on things I received from Amazon when they had no record the items were delivered. I've stolen things off and on since I was a child. I don't know why I do these things, and I don't know why I don't feel guilt for them. I do know I'd like to be a better person, and that comes from my relationship with Jeff.

I'm tempted to write him and thank him for that. I'm afraid that's just me trying to get back together with him. It wouldn't be the first time I've come up with a reason to reach out. I don't want to chase him. At the same time, I realize he's not going to suddenly wake up one morning and decide to give it another try without anything changing. I wasn't willing to talk to Nick until he reached out to me with kindness. 

Which brings me back to all the deal breakers. Every time I think I want to be back together with Jeff, I make myself remember his preference to think the worst of me. I remember we speak a different language - though the words are the same we define them differently. These are important words, words on which a relationship is based. Love. Forgiveness. Commitment. Friendship. 

I do know I want another relationship, if I can figure out how to trust again. If I can figure out how to not only trust someone else, but how to trust myself. I don't believe that relationship will be with Jeff, because I don't believe we'll get past the deal breakers. I don't believe he'll ever believe he made a mistake, that he'll ever want to get back together. At some point that part of me will get over him and move on. 

At some point I'll stop hashing and rehashing this. Maybe I shouldn't watch these types of shows. 

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Today's accomplishments:

10K+ steps

Pin dining table rug

Fold laundry

11/8/2020: In sickness and in health

 I wish I didn't give him so much real estate in my head.

In watching American Ninja Warrior, one of the elite athletes is married to woman with MS. Her arms and legs are sticks. She's in a wheelchair. I remind myself, had I been stricken with more severe cancer than the brush I experienced, had I been in an accident and really needed to rely on him, he would have been gone just as fast. He left because he felt abandoned, because I was too involved in my depression to give him the attention he wanted. He was not there for me. I was not there for him either, but I also wasn't about to leave him.

He left for other reasons too, which were related to my addictions. It makes me sad he couldn't be patient as I found my way back from them. It makes me sad he didn't see me trying, and my trying wasn't enough for him to stay. It makes me sad I believed him when he said he was in it for the long haul. It makes me sad I put my faith and trust into someone who wasn't willing to work with me through the hard times. We weren't married but I considered our relationship as if we were - in sickness and in health. He was ok with health, but not sickness. 

I wonder when I'll stop thinking about this so often. 

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Today's accomplishments:

15K+ steps

Vacuum basement

Steam clean dining table rug and carpet under

Wash sheets, towels, sweatshirts

Change bedroom sheets

11/7/2020: 9.6 miles walked

 Athena and I walked 9.6 miles this morning.

I was going for 9 and overshot. I've been thinking about Jeff too much lately and don't really want to see him, but I took the chance he wouldn't be out riding on a Saturday morning. Not that it matters if we're on the same road at the same time. He's not going to stop, and I'd think about him on that route regardless. I'd think about him if I chose not to take that route, because other than soggy ground he would be the reason I made that choice. At some point I'll be able to go that way and not think of him, but I'm not there yet and don't expect to be any time soon. 

He wasn't out riding anywhere we were. 

I was quite sore and tired by the time we got home, but now I know we can walk that far. Still working my way toward that half marathon distance, which based on our time today will take over 4 hours.  

I love the Halti Athena wears on our walks. I can control her with one hand when I need to, like when surprised by the dog behind the fence and bushes today. She is ever so much better behaved than she used to be, but is still reactive sometimes. It's usually when the other dog is reacting to her, either barking at us or lunging in our direction. Usually, but not always. 

We encountered a dog off leash the other day. I think it was another "my dog is fine, I can let him out without a leash" situation, happening just as we walked by. He came running at us as we approached his house - we hadn't even gotten there yet. I'm getting used to this, and stayed calm. He sniffed at my feet, and I noticed his scruff was up all the way down his back before Athena lunged. He didn't seem aggressive to me, but I believe Athena thought differently. Luckily I was between the two and was able to body block her. I don't remember if I said "ah-ah-ah" or "no." I doubt I said "Leave it" as I seem to have trouble remembering she knows that command. Regardless, he jumped back, she backed down immediately, and he trotted off to sniff at the light pole in his yard. The whole time he ignored his owner, who was calling to him and apologizing to us. He never did actually go to her, instead allowing her to herd him back around the house. Not that I have any room to judge. Athena doesn't come when I call her either. 

Beautiful autumn is beautiful!

I didn't do much after our walk this morning. Another day spent playing phone games. We were out for 3 miles this evening, making it close to half marathon distance for the day. 

I did get dishes done after we got back, and I've planned out tomorrow on the calendar. I think it was helpful when I did this earlier in the week. I really do want to learn something new every day, and it seems what I'm learning right now is that I have to plan ahead to get that in. 

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I'm working on the assumption I will be approved for the additional 3 months of extended unemployment available with Ohio's high unemployment level. There's no reason to deny the application, and since I'm enrolled in the Tech Elevator program I might have recourse through Ohio Means Jobs if they do. My coach there was planning to apply for an additional extension on my behalf anyway, to cover the 6 weeks between when the 20 weeks extended benefits would end and when the bootcamp ends. 

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Today's accomplishments:

28K+ steps

Dishes