12/10/2020:

I spent a fair bit if time catching up on blogging today. This is essentially my diary, not something I expect anyone else to ever read even though I am publishing, and I want to post something every day. It had been since Sunday, and though I'd left myself a few notes, I had to go through my phone and email to remember what I did, when.

 

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Because I was going through my phone, I went through all the spam calls I've been getting and Googled them, then put them in my contacts. It turns out most are collections calls, with multiple calls from the same companies. Nissan is especially persistent. I might answer the next time Nissan calls, but I've tried talking to the in the past. They said there was nothing they could do, since I'd already skipped the max # of payments I could this year. 

I'm not happy to be screwing up my credit score again. I finally got it into the Good range, but there's nothing I can do until Unemployment processes my claim. It's now been 6 weeks since I submitted my re-application. I meant to call about that again today, but time got away from me so it will have to wait until Monday. 

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I'm becoming more and more convinced I have a UTI. Because I don't want to pay the co-pay to see my GP, I searched to see if cranberry juice really does work. It seems that's just an old wives tale, and used to prevent, not to cure. 

Searching for a home remedy that would work, I found GoodRX has a virtual doctor program specifically targeted to UTIs among other things. I didn't have to speak with Dr. Patel, who by name was obviously from India. I don't like to be racist, but I also have the hardest time understanding the India accent. We communicated through a chat program, after I filled out an extensive request for information. 

Filling out the form led me to go through all the medical records I requested a year ago, to update my medical history document. This is where I keep all my surgery dates, medications and supplements I'm taking, what I'm taking them for, what I've been diagnosed with (not the same!), family medical history, pretty much everything I might need to give a doctor. I'd updated the document in July, but went through the records again for UTI and yeast infection information. The paperwork specifically asked about antibiotic resistant UTIs. I remembered the last one I had taking two rounds of antibiotics, but not how long ago that was. Turns out the last two UTIs I had took 2 rounds of antibiotics each. My medical history document now includes UTI and yeast infection data for the last few years.

Long story slightly less long, I was able to get an antibiotic prescription for less money than my co-pay, without having to wait for an appointment or go in to my GP's office. 

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I outlined the reading on Classes, then finished the homework on HashMaps. I've been getting progressively more tired this week, which became abundantly evident when I spent a full hour trying to figure out why one of my tests was failing, only to discover the failing test was for the problem after the one I'd been working on. They were named similarly, and I didn't notice the difference until I finally gave up and pinged the instructor on Slack. I thought the test was broken, but of course as soon as I hit send I realized my mistake. The test I was working on had passed, and I hadn't started working on the problem for the failing test. *Sigh*

 

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From our walk tonight:

I finally got a picture of the gingerbread house all lit up:

I took some video too:

Athena made me laugh out loud tonight. There was a gust of wind as we walked by a house with a life-sized inflatable Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf. I didn't take a  picture because she was barking and growling at it and I had to drag her away. That's the first time I've heard her growl at anything outside the house. She's growled at her favorite toy, the mailman, and the guy who lives across the street whenever he pulls his truck into our driveway to back it into his, but those last two are just through the window. 

I don't remember it as the inflatables I see online, so I'll have to take a picture of it next time we walk that way. Edit: it is the inflatable I saw online:

We walked by the house with the dog Athena's last fought - the one where they have a side door and no direct access to their fenced yard. I've been avoiding it for months, but figured it was late enough the dog would most likely be inside. They haven't done anything to connect the door and yard, which is exactly what I expected. We will continue to avoid that corner, unless it's later in the evening. 

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He claimed I abandoned him, after pushing me away. He rejected my attempts to maintain intimacy. I tried to stay connected within the restrictions he created, while sinking under the weight of his rejection, my own failure, and the resulting depression both caused. I was prepared to stay with him through Alzheimer's. He claimed I gave up on us, when he'd decided six months previously that we'd neverfind a way to communicate or make things right.   

He actually said at one point there were things about him he hoped I never learned. One of many red flags I ignored. He led me to believe he was a stronger and better person than he turned out to be, certainly better than he thought of himself. What you believe is what you become. He thought the worst of me, of everyone, because he thought the worst of himself. He didn't like himself, so became the person he believed he was. 

Part of me wants him to be alone for the rest of his life, because part of me believes I'll be alone for the rest of mine. Part of me wants him to find someone he can be happy with, but there's no part of me believing he's capable of happiness with anyone "for the long haul" (as he put it). Not when he wants someone a part of his cult, but not actually from the cult. Not when he attributes the worst motives to any mistake they make, taking every perceived slight as intentional, purposeful, and personally directed at him. Not when he can't communicate in a mature fashion. Not when he blames others for his own shortcomings. Not when he never apologizes, because he justifies everything as either deserved or someone else's fault. He judges, lectures, and finds it necessary to feel superior to others. I never saw him as a narcissist, until realizing in hindsight all the little things I'd ignored and let slide. 

I know he's hiding insecurities and a deep sense of inferiority. I know what things made him that way. He won't admit to abandonment issues, though he's about a textbook case. He'll never seek help, because his cult frowns on therapy and medical assistance. It's apparently so much better to go over the same outdated material time and time and time again, trying to glean some new insight from the same old song and dance. It's apparently better to put your trust in and take advice from anyone capable of staying sober for some length of time, regardless of their actual intelligence level or knowledge of the human psyche. 

In some ways, I feel sorry for him. I just wish he hadn't wasted 13 years pretending. 53 is too old to start over again. I don't have another 13 years to find out someone is lying to me and not who they say they are, or at least who they're trying to be. 

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He doesn't know how to show vulnerability. He doesn't know how to communicate what he wants and needs, and may not even be aware of what he's feeling. He certainly can't communicate what hurts or makes him angry. Instead he attacked me repeatedly, both verbally and emotionally, made demands he should have known I couldn't meet, then blamed me for everything he saw as wrong in the relationship. 

Turns out I'm still having conversations with Jeff in my head, where he wants to date or something and I'm like "why would I want to?" I guess I still have things to work out. I still get angry thinking about it all, even knowing anger doesn't help or solve anything. It still hurts that he rejected me, that he only loved what I gave him and not me for myself, that his commitment stopped when things got hard. 

Accomplishments
11K steps

Dishes

Ran with Athena morning and evening