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October 25, 2020

10/25/2020: Still taking time; Athena's dog reaction

I'm still giving myself a break because because Seasonal Affective Disorder. I did do laundry, mostly because Athena's sweatshirt was covered in fur. She sheds so much more than I expected for a short-haired dog!

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I did do some research (again) on how to make a pit bull release once they've latched on. One of the videos I watched last time I did this research mentioned a gag reflex one can activate by pressing a certain point on their throat, but I haven't been able to find anything showing me where that point is. Of course I hope never to use it, but the fact is Athena's been in three fights already where's she's latched on to another dog. 

I'm trying to determine if she's responding to other dogs' body language. It's difficult to see ears, tail, stance, and scruff on two dogs at the same time, before they react to each other. However, I'm leaning toward she's reacting to them, which tracks with hers being a fear response.

There's the Terrier across the street and the Pug down the street, both of whom go berserk every time we walk by. There's also a Yorkie who barks when we walk by her house but ignores us when we're all out walking. Athena ignores them all. On the other hand, we walked by a Yorkie last night who was so small I didn't even see him at first, and when I did I thought he was a puppy. He started yelling at us, and Athena was fine for a minute. I don't know what he said to her, but all of a sudden she lunged. 

There's the Great Dane who barks at us every time we walk past his house. We used to see him and his brother walking with a man, and they both behaved just fine. Athena was attentive but we always walked by each other without issue. Now we see them walking with a woman and a teenager. The woman walks the one who now barks and lunges at us every time we see them. Athena will have her ears up but won't lunge until he does. 

If the other dog ignores us, Athena ignores them. She doesn't even perk up her ears, which I now understand can be a sign of aggression. If the other dog obviously wants to play, she'll have her ears up but we'll walk by without issue. Sometimes the other dog also has their ears up, and neither bark or lunge. 

We always cross the street when we see another dog coming, if we can. We've been in situations where we cross to avoid one dog, only to encounter another coming directly up the other side of the street. Sometimes we can cross over again. Sometimes we can't. If we can't, Athena and I will walk on people's lawns to put distance between us. I get annoyed at people who force us into this, like the couple walking their dogs up to the light on Ridgebury. They could have crossed at the light, but instead chose to turn the corner toward us not 3 houses away. We needed to turn at that corner, and could not cross a busy street with oncoming traffic. I know they saw me stop for a moment before they made that decision, too. 

I bought the shock collar, but I don't think I'll use it. I've begun pre-emptively telling her "ah-ah-ah" when we get close to a potential problem, and praising her as soon as we start to pass without a reaction. I think this will be more effective as I learn how to determine which dogs are going to be a problem. We did actually walk past deer on the other side of the street last night with no more than raised ears and a desire to keep them in sight, so progress is being made.  

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Today's accomplishments:
18K+ steps
Watch Critical Role
Wash laundry
Practice micro macrame
Dishes

October 24, 2020

10/24/2020: Not doing much

I spent the day practicing micro macrame. I say practicing because I ended up throwing out everything I did. I think there is a combination of issues: the thread I'm using may be too thin; I might be tying the knots too tightly; and I don't fully understand the implications of tying knots over, under, and from the right or left.  I tried practicing just the knots to see if I could discern the difference between the various knot directions, but the results were too small for me to tell. 

I didn't do much else, beyond walking Athena and watching Critical Role while playing with thread. 

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If I weren't recording my "accomplishments" every day, I wouldn't realize it's been days since I've done any housework or learned anything new. My lack of productive activity reminds me change of seasons is always hard due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Beyond that, I get like this every October. I'm technically over things that happened 30 years ago, or almost 10 years ago, but they still come to mind this time of year. 

I'm allowing myself the me time without recrimination. It's been over a week since I took a day off, and I obviously need the mental break. Also, I know the Tech Elevator project will be in my inbox this coming week. 

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Today's accomplishments:
14K+ steps
Fill pill containers
Watch Critical Role
Practice micro macrame
Dishes

October 23, 2020

10/23/2020: Researching unemployment; updating last wishes

 TIL: my unemployment ends 1/26/21

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I did the math to figure out when my unemployment ends, so I can figure out how to manage until I complete the Tech Elevator boot camp. They've pushed the start date of the boot camp back until the end of November, which means I won't complete it until mid March. Then I have to find a job, which hopefully will not take long using Tech Elevator resources and with my newly acquired knowledge and certificate. 

Because I cashed in my 401K last year, I don't qualify for a stimulus check, but it does look like the next pandemic stimulus package will include unemployment benefits. I might be able to save enough from that to get by. Otherwise, and until they pass something, I need to figure something else out.

  • I purged everything when I moved out of Jeff's, so have nothing left to sell. Even my computers are old and outdated. 
  • At my sister's advice, I tried several survey and game test sites. I made maybe $50 and now receive ~20 scam phone calls and texts per day.
  • I've looked at sites like Upwork in the past, but similar to survey and game test sites one makes literally pennies per hour. Better than nothing, but not anywhere near what I need. 
  • I may try something like UberEats or Postmates. Wear and tear on my car + gas is not ideal, but neither is starving. 

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While looking for my passport, which I needed for my OMJ grant application, I found my latest "last will and testament". This is not an official document, but it is what I want done. I'd updated it late last year, but for some reason still had Jeff on the envelope. I went through and updated it again today. Not much has changed, other than where I store my passwords and financial information. Still, it's good to review periodically. I now have a written goal to fund not only my cremation, but also several adventures for the boys to experience while dispersing my ashes. All things I'd like to do while alive, so the list may change over time. 

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Today's accomplishments:
16K+ steps
Pick up presecriptions
Watch Critical Role


October 22, 2020

10/22/2020: Clarity re: Tech Elevator

I finally got someone on the phone at OMJ, to discuss how to apply for the Tech Elevator income share agreement. Turns out it's Tech Elevator I need to talk to about that. I needed to talk to OMJ about their grant as well. I thought I'd already applied, but it turns out I have not. The person I spoke with was extremely helpful though, and he will personally walk me through the application process, including the interview. I hope to have my portion of that complete by end of day tomorrow. In the meantime, I've emailed my contact at Tech Elevator, asking specifically about the income share agreement, scholarship, and the java (javascript) project I'm supposed to complete prior to November 9. 

I spent the rest of the day catching up on Season 15 of Supernatural. The avoidance is strong with this one.

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Today's accomplishments:
16K+ steps
Follow up on Tech Elevator application
Follow up on OMJ grant application

October 21, 2020

10/21/2020: Avoidence; shock collars vs prong collars

TIL: "shock" collars are actually better than prong collars

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Athena is a rescue who came to me this past June with anxiety regarding other dogs. I don't believe she's aggressive, even if she has been in three fights since coming to live with me. She doesn't react to ALL dogs. She's met a handful without issue, and always wants to stop at their houses when we walk past. 

I believe she's anxious. She speeds up whenever we pass a house with a dog barking in the window or back yard, and she constantly looks behind her for several houses after we move away. She startles easily at loud noises. She's not always aware of dogs walking on the other side of the street, but when she is she shows interest - head up and ears perked. I don't know what that interest means. I've tried looking at her scruff and tail, but I don't see anything out of the ordinary. 

I don't always know what sets her off. Sometimes it's obvious, as the other dog is behaving just as poorly. I think she wanted to play chase when the jogger came by with two Weimaraner attached to her waist. This has happened often enough I've learned how to stay calm throughout, so she's not reacting to me. I've paid attention to other dogs with her around without her getting possessive. I just don't see what she sees. We will be walking calmly along, then BAM! She's lunging and thrashing against the lead. No bark, no growl, no raised scruff. 0 to 60 in an instant.  

She's learned not to go after bunnies, squirrels, and even cats (unless they RIGHT THERE like the cats that frequent our front porch). Dogs and deer are a different story. 

We tried a Martingale collar, but she just choked herself until gasping and wheezing without letting up. We tried a Thunder leash, but with her barrel chest it always settled around her waist and she pulled so hard I feared for her internal organs. We now use a face halter, which has helped control her tremendously. I no longer have to set my weight against her as she pulls to get at the other dog. I can hold her with one hand as she struggles against the lead. 

I've researched and tried several training methods. She gets praised when passing a dog without issue. She likes treats well enough, but not enough to distract her from other dogs. We've tried sit and look at me, but why would anyone take their eyes off a potential danger? She won't. Same with getting in between her and the other dog. Once engaged, she won't hear me when I say no, leave it, or the "uh-uh-uh" noise I use to indicate unwanted behavior. I tried a whistle, but that didn't phase her either. 

I never thought I'd use either a prong or shock collar, but I found myself researching them. This article discusses research done on the stress each cause. The shock collar elicits a surprised verbal response, while the prong collar results in multiple stress responses. 

So I ordered a shock collar. I have no intention of using the shock option of the collar, even if it is equivalent to a tenz unit (of which I own 2). I don't want to punish her for reacting in fear or anxiety. I need a way to get her attention, to interrupt her mid-lunge so I can reinforce the cessation of that behavior.

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I realized today I am avoiding the Design Patterns and Algorithm items I planned to learn, while waiting for the Tech Elevator application to proceed. Learning micro macrame and practicing sewing are all well and good, but they won't help me find a job. 

Not that I'm actively looking for a job right now, with the bootcamp start date set for November 9. I still believe I don't know what I don't know, and am ever-so-hopeful this bootcamp will provide me with the confidence in my coding ability I currently lack. I hope to learn what the Sr. Dev in my last position was unable to show me - how to see and correct the errors he apparently saw in my code. I know it will provide a portfolio of object-oriented programming. In the end I expect this to result in a mid- to senior-level position as a software developer. 

I would be an even better prospect with the design patterns and algorithm knowledge I also currently lack, though. 

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Today's accomplishments:
16K+ steps
Dry, fold and put away couch covers
Try out new micro macrame patterns
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 98
Watch The Masked Singer 
Watch The Voice
Watch Supernatural Season 15 Episodes 1-11

October 20, 2020

10/20/2020: Practicing macrame; practicing self-patience

I spent the better part of today completing one of five micro macrame plant hangers for my air plants in the kitchen. The way I originally planned to hang them won't work, but my new design will work just fine -- as soon as I can order the parts. 
It's not perfect, but it's complete and good enough for the moment. That's another thing I'm still learning -- being ok with not being perfect. I may redo this when I'm done with the others. Maybe. I've some ideas for xmas presents, but I have to improve my technique and pattern ideas first. 
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Today's accomplishments:
16K+ steps
Dry, fold and put away couch covers
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 98
Watch The Masked Singer 
Watch The Voice

October 19, 2020

10/19/2020: Practice == learning how to do things better

I didn't focus on learning anything new today. Instead I practiced sewing by hemming arm rest covers for my couches. I did learn more about my sewing machine: how to take it apart and adjust the needle arm; how to correctly insert the bobbin holder. 

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Today's accomplishments:
14K+ steps
Dishes
Follow up with OMJ re: Tech Elevator Income Share Agreement
Rearrange basement furniture
Sew new couch covers
Change and wash couch covers
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 97
Stretch

October 18, 2020

10/18/2020: Money worries; Love don't die

I'm going to be in trouble come December. This isn't new information, so it's not something I just learned today. It was reinforced by my reading the news on what's happening with the next stimulus package (even if they pass something before the election, how soon can unemployment be implemented?). I'm also getting mixed messages from the Tech Elevator bootcamp (do I start Nov 9th or some time in January?). I've not heard from Ohio Means Jobs about the income share agreement application, other than it usually takes 6-8 weeks to process and I should have heard from someone already. I'm reaching out about these last two tomorrow, but neither will help the overdraft forecasted for December. 

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This was sent to me by a friend, and fits with things I've been thinking about lately.

The names of some old friends have come up this week. I've mentioned friends who considered me their ray of sunshine, the happiest person they know, bubbly and positive. This is the idea of me they perceived. The reality of me is I worked very hard at staying positive, because depression was always lurking behind the scenes. I've lost several friends when depression got the better of me. Best friends. Friends I thought I'd figured out how to hold onto. Friends who didn't know how to deal with the neediness or silence of me in a depressive state, because the perception they had of me was I needed no one. I was the positive one, always there for them. 

I was there for Jeff too: telling him I loved him all the time, huge on hugs and smooches, sending him cards in the mail, looking for things for us to do together, keeping our sex life alive. Somehow he thought he was more affectionate because he would touch me as he walked in or out of a room. Somehow he couldn't see what I brought to the relationship, or how hard I was trying to maintain a connection with him. His idea of me had changed, into that of a selfish and self-centered person he couldn't rely on. 

I'll admit I'm selfish and self-centered, especially when depressed. It makes me very sad he thought he couldn't rely on me though. I would have done just about anything for him. I couldn't simply drop my addiction just because he wanted me to, but his wanting me to made me want to. It makes me very sad he'd already given up on me by the time he told me what he wanted. Even then he was sending mixed messages, telling me to "win it all", enjoying the perks of my high-roller status at the casinos, then berating me about gambling during family meeting. I'm not saying I was right. I'm also not the only one wrong here. 

I've thought often about what I will say when future potential mates ask about what happened. The most succinct version I can come up with is: "We both had problems. He decided he was better off dealing with his alone." When I say it like that, I can forgive him. When I remember all the things he said and did during the breakup, I'm still angry. I haven't forgiven those. I haven't forgiven his judgmental snarkiness when we talked about the breakup a year later. I haven't forgiven his change of heart. In my world, love don't die. 
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Today's accomplishments:
14K+ steps
Dishes
Clean and winterize screen doors
Balance checkbook
Bake pumpkin pie
Email re: Tech Elevator
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 96
Stretch

October 17, 2020

10/17/2020: Still learning micro macrame

TIL: I don't yet have the right touch for the micro macrame I'm attempting

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I'm using embroidery thread, which is thinner than the cord most often used for micro macrame, and I'm having difficulty controlling the tightness of the knots. I spent most of the day working on a piece I ultimately destroyed as not good enough for what I want. The goal is to hang glass globes by micro macrame cords, for several air plants I currently have in the window over my kitchen sink. 

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Today's accomplishments:
16K+ steps
Dishes
Casserole
Pumpkin Pie crust
Micro macrame air plant holder
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 94/95/96

October 16, 2020

10/16/2020: Caught up on news

TIL: About what has been happening in politics the last few weeks

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I spent the better part of the day catching up on several weeks of NY Times newsletters. I get the newsletters daily, but don't read them regularly. Instead of potentially being depressed every day by what's going on in the world, I condense my news consumption into weekly or bi-weekly chunks. I hear about things randomly in between, but this way I'm somewhat emotionally protected while still feeling fully informed. 

So today I learned:

  • The president is still acting as if COVID is not a thing, and a thing or two about his finances and taxes over the last 20 years. 
  • The white house warned some investors COVID would be a problem while telling the public there was nothing to worry about. 
  • I'd heard about Ruth Bader Ginsberg's death and Amy Contey Barrett's Supreme Court nomination. I now have more details on her confirmation hearings -- including the 99.99% likelihood she'll be confirmed and what that will mean to civil rights in America. 

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Today's accomplishments:
10K+ steps
Catch up on NY Times and SKIMM emails
Fold laundry
Bathe Athena
Research micro macrame patterns
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 93/94

October 15, 2020

10/15/2020: Macrame is harder than it looks

TIL: Learning something new every day sometimes means learning just a small increment of what was planned. 

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I thought macrame would be easy. It's just tying knots in string or thread, right? Well, technically yes. However, tying the knots so the end result is attractive is something else entirely. Even simple patterns can be more complicated than they look. Sometimes the knots have to be tied one direction, sometimes another, and not all knots are the same. Not all knots need be tied as tightly as possible. What works in a YouTube tutorial may not work with the materials at hand. I spent several hours today - more time than I originally planned - learning these things and more. The good news is I am now confident I can reasonably attempt the type of micro macrame patterns I like.  

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Today's accomplishments:

22K+ steps
Change sheets
Launder sheets and mattress cover
Shampoo 2nd half of basement carpet
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 92/93
Macrame air plant holders

October 14, 2020

10/14/2020: Forgiveness is hard

TIL: Forgiveness is hard
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I'm struggling with myself over forgiving Jeff. I want to forgive him. Part of me is still hurt though, and wants to be angry. That part doesn't want to allow him the same leeway I'm upset with him for not allowing me. That part doesn't want to understand his emotional state, to admit he was in a place where he felt he could better solve his problems alone, without me and my problems around. 

It's too bad we couldn't be there for each other. I never really felt I knew how to be there for him. I tried, but always ended up feeling ineffectual. As he kept most of his problems to himself, I assume he agreed. Pushing me toward therapy may have been the only way he knew to help me with my issues, but it came across as an unwillingness to listen. Believing that, I kept to myself things like how finding cancer in my thyroid affected me. Neither of us knew how to just listen without offering solutions. 

He was correct in saying we had communication issues. This is one area I'm having trouble forgiving, because he decided they were insurmountable and wholly my fault. We could have gone to couples therapy. We could have researched how to better communicate and tried different things. In his words: he tried yelling. When that didn't work he gave up. 

My failure to do what he wanted, even after he yelled at me, frustrated him. 

He left instructions on how to medicate his cat in OneNote. I instead followed the instructions on the medicine box, which it turns out were different. He deemed this a selfish and willful act that could have hurt his cat. He was in Portugal so had no control. This was the moment he decided he couldn't trust me.   

An addict himself, he still tried to control my addictions. He never fully embraced the joint account, but told me he didn't want me using it for gambling. I borrowed from it anyway, always and only when I knew I could pay it back the next day. He viewed my doing so as stealing, even though the only reason he knew I'd used it was my telling him I'd done so.

There was the issue of his house vs my home. When I moved in, he told me he didn't want me smoking in his house. Marijuana is not something one can just go outside and smoke, especially not 2 to 3 times a day. I smoked out the window in such a way he only knew I'd smoked in the house because he smelled it on me. He never smelled it in the house.  

These were my sins, the failures to communicate he didn't believe we could recover from. I quit getting high several months before the break-up. I banned myself from the casino 2 days prior. I'm not claiming I was RIGHT to behave the way I did, but I still don't believe it was worth breaking up a 13+ year relationship over.

All the blame makes forgiving difficult. I keep telling myself it's possible he said the nasty things he did because alcoholics in the throes of their addiction can be abusive. It surprised me he would behave that way at the time, but upon reflection it made sense. Verbal abuse is something he grew up with. Unfortunately, his choosing to see my behavior in the worst possible light, his inability to understand where I was coming from, still hurts.

We communicated recently. He says he's forgiven me, but the rancor he expressed during that conversation tells me he hasn't. How do I forgive his willingness to think so poorly of me? I can't rationalize it away. It doesn't make sense in the narrative where he loved me, because in my love for him I always tried to view his actions in the best possible light. 

I keep telling myself "it's the place where he's at." Maybe believing the worst about me allows him to justify breaking up with me, giving him the space he needs to work on his problems alone, away from me and mine. 

Maybe some day understanding that will be enough.   

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Today's accomplishments:

23K+ steps
Complete first steps of OMJ Tech Elevator financing application
Balance checkbook
Apply for Tech Elevator scholarship
Shampoo 1/2 basement carpet
Laundry
Dishes
Clean 2nd floor bathroom
Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 90/91
Research macramé patterns for air plant hangers

October 13, 2020

10/13/2020: Design Patterns: Builder

TIL: Builder Design Pattern

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The Builder design pattern is another in the Creation category. While Abstract Factory creates different varieties within a family of objects (like furniture sets that come in different styles), Builder uses interfaces to create different varieties of the same object (like cars). The Builder pattern prevents creation of objects with a large number of optional parameters, or extension of a base class into subclasses covering all available options.

Again, each class or function should do one thing and one thing only. If you find you are implementing the same steps over and over in different ways, consider using a Builder interface.


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Today's accomplishments:
17K+ steps
Research making sofa slip covers
Research dog clicker / whistle training
Finish Thinkful Javascript course
Design Patterns: Builder
Dishes
Make carpet shampoo
Shampoo basement rug
Dry laundry
Finish watching Critical Role campaign 2 episode 89
Stretch

October 12, 2020

10/12/2020: Powershell and Javascript treat the lack of return keyword in a function differently

TIL: Powershell and Javascript treat the lack of return keyword in a function differently

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In Powershell, a function without the return keyword still returns the results of each statement. In Javascript, a function without the return keyword returns undefined, which means exactly what it says: the value was not defined anywhere.

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Today's accomplishments:
23K+ steps
Bathe Athena
ContinueThinkful Javascript course
Sweep and mop kitchen + basement stairs
Start laundry
Follow up on Canyon payment
Follow up on Amazon return
Balance checking account
Start watching Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 89
Stretch


October 11, 2020

10/11/2020: It takes two to lie (one to lie and one to listen)

TIL: I'm still angry at Jeff, but I'd like to let that go.

TIL: I can walk 8.5 miles at one go

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I saw Jeff riding his bicycle up from the valley this morning, while Athena and I were out walking. I'm not sure I'd have known it was him, except he waved as he rode by. That and he may be the only bicyclist out there who doesn't wear performance gear. 

I like to switch up where we walk, so Athena and I don't go that way oftenI wanted a long walk today, and that route is a favorite because so much of it is grass instead of concrete. I wasn't hoping or trying to see Jeff, but I knew it was possible. He used to ride the motorcycle down into the valley just for fun, and when we rode with Frank's cycling group that's the way we came home. He hadn't ridden either bicycle or motorcycle much in the last few years of our relationship though, so it was also possible I'd never see him.

I spent the rest of our walk thinking about him. I wondered if he would spend time thinking about me. I wondered if he would try to call. I recently blocked him on my phone, because knowing he couldn't call was the only way I could think of to stop obsessing and wondering every day if he would. I don't really believe he'll ever want to talk with me again, as based on our last conversation he doesn't think very highly of me. Still, he did say he'd been about to call me that one time I called him about a Red Cross case.  

He loved to quote Homer Simposon: "It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen." 

It makes me sad now to realize how often he lied, telling me what I wanted to hear. I believed him without question. He called it diplomacy. He didn't have to say anything that day I called about the Red Cross, but his knee jerk reaction was to lie. Maybe he felt guilty for not calling when he'd told me he wanted to be friends. Of course that was also a lie. He just doesn't want to be enemies. 

There were so many lies. When I wanted to do something he didn't, he'd say "we'll talk about it." It took me YEARS to figure out that really meant No. When I pointed this out, he started saying "we'll see" instead. I understand why he doesn't like confrontation, and why it's so hard for him to tell someone No. He's a survivor of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He's a people pleaser.

I understand so much more now. I knew nothing about his drinking, his abandonment issues, his insecurities. 

I realize now he didn't love me, as a person. He loved the way he felt because I loved him. Stress and depression reduced my capacity to show that love. At the same time, he hated himself for succumbing to his addiction. In his insecurity, he determined my love had died. He felt abandoned. Because he hated himself for drinking, he had no respect for my struggles with addiction. Because he was insecure and didn't love or respect me, he viewed my motives in the worst possible light.

I'm still disappointed, hurt, and angry with him. Even understanding his difficulties with confrontation, I thought him more mature than to end a 13+ year relationship with a text. At one time he showed far greater emotional maturity. We had long discussions about owning our mistakes and feelings. I also cannot forget the blame cannon he pointed at me after the breakup, mostly for things that were actually his own fault. 

He was the first to speak my love language, our relationship the first time I truly felt loved. I told him this all the time. It was extremely disappointing to learn I wasn't loved after all. It makes me sad to think he may not be capable of more. 

Even after he broke up with me, I always viewed his actions under the best possible light. I was disappointed to learn he viewed (and still views) mine under the worst. While seemingly accepting of the most base behavior in his friends, he exhibits no understanding or empathy for the emotional turmoil I was unsuccesfully dealing with, and has no forgiveness for my resulting actions.

I knew he'd tell a salesperson "we'll be back", or tell me "we'll talk about it" rather than admit he wasn't interested. I'm disappointed in myself for repeatedly asking if he'd consider giving us another chance, and believing him when he said yes. I didn't realize his true feelings until he expressed rancor even after a full year apart.

I do still love him. I also understand we never had a chance at happily ever after. I'm prone to depression, withdrawing into myself to either wither under or struggle against the voices in my head. He is prone to viewing withdrawal as abandonment. His survival instinct is then to push away and remove himself from the source of such pain. With no love, no patience or desire to understand why I withdrew, we were destined to fail. 

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Today's accomplishments:

19K+ steps
Much thought on my current feelings re: Jeff
Mail ballot
Dungeons and Dragons
Start the next Thinkful Javascript module
Finish watching Critical Role campaign 2 episode 88
Read and respond to Stephan's correspondence
Tomorrow's ToDo list
Stretch

October 10, 2020

10/10/2020: Keeping an open mind is hard; Abstract Factory Design Pattern

TIL: Politics are hard. Keeping an open mind in today's political climate is even more difficult. 

TIL: We elect judges so the courts aren't stacked against the majority by whomever happens to be in power when the seats become available (like what is happening with the Supreme Court right now). I never put the two together before, and also didn't realize not all states elect judges. 

TIL: Abstract Factory design pattern.

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I've always leaned liberal in the political spectrum, and while I most often vote Democrat I've never considered party a hard and fast line at the ballot box. Specifically for all the court appointees, I try to discover what type of rulings and/or arguments the candidates make. Not always easy with so much rhetoric flying around, which is why I set aside several hours to go through and research the ballot prior to voting. 

I know judges are supposed to be non-partisan. For this November 3rd election however, I find I'm heavily prejudiced against Republicans simply because they are associated with our current president. I never actively wanted someone to die - until I heard the president has COVID. Wanting someone dead has always been my definition of hate, and until this past week I didn't realize I was capable of hating anyone. Not proud of it, but I'm also not proud of a country willing to ignore and/or validate and venerate blatant mysogyny and discrimination. 

I don't really want him to die. I just want him to go away, and I'm frightened he will refuse to do so even if we vote him out of office. 

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The Abstract Factory design pattern is in the Creation category, and is used when code needs to work with a variety of related objects. Instead of creating a concrete class for each variety, the factory provides interfaces. This makes it easy to add or remove object variants without having to change the code. It also allows for simpler code by treating all similar objects the same.  

In a well-designed program each class is responsible only for one thing. If your class is trying to handle similar types of the same thing, consider extracting the methods relating to those types out into a factory class or Abstract Factory interface. 

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Today's accomplishments:
21K+ Steps
Watch The Masked Singer
Wash kitchen rug
Clean 1st floor bathroom
Grocery Shopping
Start ToDo lists for the next 3 days
Sweep kitchen
Dishes
Make and freeze spaghetti
Research and fill in mail in ballot
Research Abstract Factory Design Pattern
Complete the next module of Thinkful Javascript course
Watch Critical Role campaign 2 episode 88
Stretch
Print Chris/Craig photo for painting

October 9, 2020

10/09/2020: Accepted to Tech Elevator

TIL: I've been accepted to the Tech Elevator coding bootcamp. 

TIL: I still recieve motivational quotes as an RSS feed

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I've thought about doing a bootcamp multiple times over the years, but cost and time commitment kept me from doing so. I thought even harder about it while unemployed over the last year, but again cost kept me away. However, I saw an ad about a bootcamp with an income-share agreement and living stipend (pay nothing up front, repay loans for bootcamp cost and living stipend once they help you get a job) so started looking into them. The same week, I recieved an email from Ohio Means Jobs about a program they started in conjunction with a local bootcamp named Tech Elevator. Tech Elevator has the same income-share agreement, and there are scholarships and grants available. With these advantages a bootcamp seemed doable, so I applied and today was told I've been accepted. 

While waiting for notification of acceptance to Tech Elevator, I signed up for the Thinkful bootcamp's javascript prep course. Thinkful was the bootcamp mentioned above, that offered a living stipend in addition to the income-share agreement. If I hadn't been accepted to Tech Elevator I would have gone with Thinkful specifically for that living stipend. It would have cost more than double what Tech Elevator will cost, and double Thinkful's up front cost. I wasn't happy about that, or how pushy the original salesperson at Thinkful was, but I'd already decided I need a bootcamp in order to successfully land a job. 

I need a bootcamp to regain and improve confidence in my coding, especially after what happened at Rockwell. This was made exceedingly clear during my last interview, where they asked about my coding proficiency and I couldn't hide the complete stop as my mind went blank. "It's not my strongest suit" is not what a hiring manager wants to hear from a software developer about their coding proficiency. 

I've taught myself C# while unemployed, but you don't know what you don't know, and having my code repeatedly rewritten while being told it was good "but..." left insecurities. The Sr. developer who consistently rewrote my code would tell me there were hidden errors, but was never able to explain further. He never offered to work with me or help me rewrite the code so it wouldn't produce errors. He just went and rewrote it entirely. Repeatedly. So now I don't know what I was doing wrong, if I was doing anything wrong, or if he just didn't like my code because it's not how he would have written it and I was insecure/inexperienced/female enough he felt he could rewrite it. Going through a bootcamp will give me the type of feedback he never did. 

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I'm slowly learning how to be me again, after a year in the deepest depression I've ever experienced. At one time I was considered cheerful, bubbly, a dose of sunshine, and in one case "the happiest person I've ever met." With everything happening over the past several years, I'd forgotten how to be positive and happy. That's a part of me I certainly want to keep! 

I recently reconnected with an ex on FB, and while conversing with him found my feed full of motivational quotes (and politics, and baby pictures). I'd forgotten I subscribed to anything like that. Today I was cleaning out some of my Outlook folders and rediscovered my RSS folder. All motivational quote feeds. I started a spreadsheet/database and am considering a tiny app that will open a document on my desktop to display a new/random motivational quote every day. Because I need another project. :)

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Today's accomplishments:
Balance checkbooks and reach out re: other financial matters 
Start motivational quote spreadsheet
Revisit/rewrite Why We Can't Be Friends poem
Begin the Tech Elevator application process 
Start a daily blog re: learning something new every day 
Vacuum basement and living room
14K+ steps
Macrame air plant holder
Watch the next episode of Critical Role
Tomorrow's ToDo list
Stretch

Planned:
Complete the next module of Thinkful Javascript course
Watch The Masked Singer

why we can't be friends, revisited

 there's no way to heal the wounds left

when you decided falsely what I felt

no way to obtain all I wanted again

to feel safe and secure in your hands

 

I wanted 'til death do us part

what I have is a broken heart

I needed a love of permanence

when life shredded my confidence

instead you said mine was no longer appealing

you found me unlovable

unredeeming

 

when the darkness of my depression descended

all light left and I could no longer pretend

I was unaffected

I was afraid

I fought to maintain some semblance of function

failing again and again

 

my attention focused on trying to mend

my shattered ego

my broken world

with nothing else of myself to give

I shared my secrets and shame

 

my trust was a gift you didn’t want

instead you held yourself apart

caught up in your own reflection

wounded by my lack of attention

affection

you decided the love I still held in my heart

had gone cold

in silence you chose

 

I needed you to treat me with kindness

Instead you chose willful blindness

blaming

recriminating

berating

your love and good will abated

 

I still love

and want

and yearn

though dimmed now through distance

silence and pain

your resistance to thoughts of return

it’s taken this long to learn

we weren’t what I thought we once were

I know now your love was never for me

but for how I made you feel