10/21/2020: Avoidence; shock collars vs prong collars

TIL: "shock" collars are actually better than prong collars

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Athena is a rescue who came to me this past June with anxiety regarding other dogs. I don't believe she's aggressive, even if she has been in three fights since coming to live with me. She doesn't react to ALL dogs. She's met a handful without issue, and always wants to stop at their houses when we walk past. 

I believe she's anxious. She speeds up whenever we pass a house with a dog barking in the window or back yard, and she constantly looks behind her for several houses after we move away. She startles easily at loud noises. She's not always aware of dogs walking on the other side of the street, but when she is she shows interest - head up and ears perked. I don't know what that interest means. I've tried looking at her scruff and tail, but I don't see anything out of the ordinary. 

I don't always know what sets her off. Sometimes it's obvious, as the other dog is behaving just as poorly. I think she wanted to play chase when the jogger came by with two Weimaraner attached to her waist. This has happened often enough I've learned how to stay calm throughout, so she's not reacting to me. I've paid attention to other dogs with her around without her getting possessive. I just don't see what she sees. We will be walking calmly along, then BAM! She's lunging and thrashing against the lead. No bark, no growl, no raised scruff. 0 to 60 in an instant.  

She's learned not to go after bunnies, squirrels, and even cats (unless they RIGHT THERE like the cats that frequent our front porch). Dogs and deer are a different story. 

We tried a Martingale collar, but she just choked herself until gasping and wheezing without letting up. We tried a Thunder leash, but with her barrel chest it always settled around her waist and she pulled so hard I feared for her internal organs. We now use a face halter, which has helped control her tremendously. I no longer have to set my weight against her as she pulls to get at the other dog. I can hold her with one hand as she struggles against the lead. 

I've researched and tried several training methods. She gets praised when passing a dog without issue. She likes treats well enough, but not enough to distract her from other dogs. We've tried sit and look at me, but why would anyone take their eyes off a potential danger? She won't. Same with getting in between her and the other dog. Once engaged, she won't hear me when I say no, leave it, or the "uh-uh-uh" noise I use to indicate unwanted behavior. I tried a whistle, but that didn't phase her either. 

I never thought I'd use either a prong or shock collar, but I found myself researching them. This article discusses research done on the stress each cause. The shock collar elicits a surprised verbal response, while the prong collar results in multiple stress responses. 

So I ordered a shock collar. I have no intention of using the shock option of the collar, even if it is equivalent to a tenz unit (of which I own 2). I don't want to punish her for reacting in fear or anxiety. I need a way to get her attention, to interrupt her mid-lunge so I can reinforce the cessation of that behavior.

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I realized today I am avoiding the Design Patterns and Algorithm items I planned to learn, while waiting for the Tech Elevator application to proceed. Learning micro macrame and practicing sewing are all well and good, but they won't help me find a job. 

Not that I'm actively looking for a job right now, with the bootcamp start date set for November 9. I still believe I don't know what I don't know, and am ever-so-hopeful this bootcamp will provide me with the confidence in my coding ability I currently lack. I hope to learn what the Sr. Dev in my last position was unable to show me - how to see and correct the errors he apparently saw in my code. I know it will provide a portfolio of object-oriented programming. In the end I expect this to result in a mid- to senior-level position as a software developer. 

I would be an even better prospect with the design patterns and algorithm knowledge I also currently lack, though. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Dry, fold and put away couch covers

Try out new micro macrame patterns

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 98

Watch The Masked Singer 

Watch The Voice

Watch Supernatural Season 15 Episodes 1-11

10/20/2020: Practicing macrame; practicing self-patience

I spent the better part of today completing one of five micro macrame plant hangers for my air plants in the kitchen. The way I originally planned to hang them won't work, but my new design will work just fine -- as soon as I can order the parts. 

It's not perfect, but it's complete and good enough for the moment. That's another thing I'm still learning -- being ok with not being perfect. I may redo this when I'm done with the others. Maybe. I've some ideas for xmas presents, but I have to improve my technique and pattern ideas first. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Dry, fold and put away couch covers

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 98

Watch The Masked Singer 

Watch The Voice

10/19/2020: Practice == learning how to do things better

I didn't focus on learning anything new today. Instead I practiced sewing by hemming arm rest covers for my couches. I did learn more about my sewing machine: how to take it apart and adjust the needle arm; how to correctly insert the bobbin holder. 

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Today's accomplishments:

14K+ steps

Dishes

Follow up with OMJ re: Tech Elevator Income Share Agreement

Rearrange basement furniture

Sew new couch covers

Change and wash couch covers

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 97

Stretch

10/18/2020: Money worries; Love don't die

I'm going to be in trouble come December. This isn't new information, so it's not something I just learned today. It was reinforced by my reading the news on what's happening with the next stimulus package (even if they pass something before the election, how soon can unemployment be implemented?). I'm also getting mixed messages from the Tech Elevator bootcamp (do I start Nov 9th or some time in January?). I've not heard from Ohio Means Jobs about the income share agreement application, other than it usually takes 6-8 weeks to process and I should have heard from someone already. I'm reaching out about these last two tomorrow, but neither will help the overdraft forecasted for December. 

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This was sent to me by a friend, and fits with things I've been thinking about lately.

The names of some old friends have come up this week. I've mentioned friends who considered me their ray of sunshine, the happiest person they know, bubbly and positive. This is the idea of me they perceived. The reality of me is I worked very hard at staying positive, because depression was always lurking behind the scenes. I've lost several friends when depression got the better of me. Best friends. Friends I thought I'd figured out how to hold onto. Friends who didn't know how to deal with the neediness or silence of me in a depressive state, because the perception they had of me was I needed no one. I was the positive one, always there for them. 

I was there for Jeff too: telling him I loved him all the time, huge on hugs and smooches, sending him cards in the mail, looking for things for us to do together, keeping our sex life alive. Somehow he thought he was more affectionate because he would touch me as he walked in or out of a room. Somehow he couldn't see what I brought to the relationship, or how hard I was trying to maintain a connection with him. His idea of me had changed, into that of a selfish and self-centered person he couldn't rely on. 

I'll admit I'm selfish and self-centered, especially when depressed. It makes me very sad he thought he couldn't rely on me though. I would have done just about anything for him. I couldn't simply drop my addiction just because he wanted me to, but his wanting me to made me want to. It makes me very sad he'd already given up on me by the time he told me what he wanted. Even then he was sending mixed messages, telling me to "win it all", enjoying the perks of my high-roller status at the casinos, then berating me about gambling during family meeting. I'm not saying I was right. I'm also not the only one wrong here. 

I've thought often about what I will say when future potential mates ask about what happened. The most succinct version I can come up with is: "We both had problems. He decided he was better off dealing with his alone." When I say it like that, I can forgive him. When I remember all the things he said and did during the breakup, I'm still angry. I haven't forgiven those. I haven't forgiven his judgmental snarkiness when we talked about the breakup a year later. I haven't forgiven his change of heart. In my world, love don't die. 

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Today's accomplishments:

14K+ steps

Dishes

Clean and winterize screen doors

Balance checkbook

Bake pumpkin pie

Email re: Tech Elevator

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 96

Stretch

10/17/2020: Still learning micro macrame

TIL: I don't yet have the right touch for the micro macrame I'm attempting

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I'm using embroidery thread, which is thinner than the cord most often used for micro macrame, and I'm having difficulty controlling the tightness of the knots. I spent most of the day working on a piece I ultimately destroyed as not good enough for what I want. The goal is to hang glass globes by micro macrame cords, for several air plants I currently have in the window over my kitchen sink. 

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Today's accomplishments:

16K+ steps

Dishes

Casserole

Pumpkin Pie crust

Micro macrame air plant holder

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 94/95/96

10/16/2020: Caught up on news

TIL: About what has been happening in politics the last few weeks

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I spent the better part of the day catching up on several weeks of NY Times newsletters. I get the newsletters daily, but don't read them regularly. Instead of potentially being depressed every day by what's going on in the world, I condense my news consumption into weekly or bi-weekly chunks. I hear about things randomly in between, but this way I'm somewhat emotionally protected while still feeling fully informed. 

So today I learned:

• The president is still acting as if COVID is not a thing, and a thing or two about his finances and taxes over the last 20 years. 
• The white house warned some investors COVID would be a problem while telling the public there was nothing to worry about. 
• I'd heard about Ruth Bader Ginsberg's death and Amy Contey Barrett's Supreme Court nomination. I now have more details on her confirmation hearings -- including the 99.99% likelihood she'll be confirmed and what that will mean to civil rights in America. 

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Today's accomplishments:

10K+ steps

Catch up on NY Times and SKIMM emails

Fold laundry

Bathe Athena

Research micro macrame patterns

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 93/94

10/15/2020: Macrame is harder than it looks

TIL: Learning something new every day sometimes means learning just a small increment of what was planned. 

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I thought macrame would be easy. It's just tying knots in string or thread, right? Well, technically yes. However, tying the knots so the end result is attractive is something else entirely. Even simple patterns can be more complicated than they look. Sometimes the knots have to be tied one direction, sometimes another, and not all knots are the same. Not all knots need be tied as tightly as possible. What works in a YouTube tutorial may not work with the materials at hand. I spent several hours today - more time than I originally planned - learning these things and more. The good news is I am now confident I can reasonably attempt the type of micro macrame patterns I like.  

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Today's accomplishments:

22K+ steps

Change sheets

Launder sheets and mattress cover

Shampoo 2nd half of basement carpet

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 92/93

Macrame air plant holders

10/14/2020: Forgiveness is hard

TIL: Forgiveness is hard

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I'm struggling with myself over forgiving Jeff. I want to forgive him. Part of me is still hurt though, and wants to be angry. That part doesn't want to allow him the same leeway I'm upset with him for not allowing me. That part doesn't want to understand his emotional state, to admit he was in a place where he felt he could better solve his problems alone, without me and my problems around. 

It's too bad we couldn't be there for each other. I never really felt I knew how to be there for him. I tried, but always ended up feeling ineffectual. As he kept most of his problems to himself, I assume he agreed. Pushing me toward therapy may have been the only way he knew to help me with my issues, but it came across as an unwillingness to listen. Believing that, I kept to myself things like how finding cancer in my thyroid affected me. Neither of us knew how to just listen without offering solutions. 

He was correct in saying we had communication issues. This is one area I'm having trouble forgiving, because he decided they were insurmountable and wholly my fault. We could have gone to couples therapy. We could have researched how to better communicate and tried different things. In his words: he tried yelling. When that didn't work he gave up. 

My failure to do what he wanted, even after he yelled at me, frustrated him. 

He left instructions on how to medicate his cat in OneNote. I instead followed the instructions on the medicine box, which it turns out were different. He deemed this a selfish and willful act that could have hurt his cat. He was in Portugal so had no control. This was the moment he decided he couldn't trust me.   

An addict himself, he still tried to control my addictions. He never fully embraced the joint account, but told me he didn't want me using it for gambling. I borrowed from it anyway, always and only when I knew I could pay it back the next day. He viewed my doing so as stealing, even though the only reason he knew I'd used it was my telling him I'd done so.

There was the issue of his house vs my home. When I moved in, he told me he didn't want me smoking in his house. Marijuana is not something one can just go outside and smoke, especially not 2 to 3 times a day. I smoked out the window in such a way he only knew I'd smoked in the house because he smelled it on me. He never smelled it in the house.  

These were my sins, the failures to communicate he didn't believe we could recover from. I quit getting high several months before the break-up. I banned myself from the casino 2 days prior. I'm not claiming I was RIGHT to behave the way I did, but I still don't believe it was worth breaking up a 13+ year relationship over.

All the blame makes forgiving difficult. I keep telling myself it's possible he said the nasty things he did because alcoholics in the throes of their addiction can be abusive. It surprised me he would behave that way at the time, but upon reflection it made sense. Verbal abuse is something he grew up with. Unfortunately, his choosing to see my behavior in the worst possible light, his inability to understand where I was coming from, still hurts.

We communicated recently. He says he's forgiven me, but the rancor he expressed during that conversation tells me he hasn't. How do I forgive his willingness to think so poorly of me? I can't rationalize it away. It doesn't make sense in the narrative where he loved me, because in my love for him I always tried to view his actions in the best possible light. 

I keep telling myself "it's the place where he's at." Maybe believing the worst about me allows him to justify breaking up with me, giving him the space he needs to work on his problems alone, away from me and mine. 

Maybe some day understanding that will be enough.   

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Today's accomplishments:

23K+ steps

Complete first steps of OMJ Tech Elevator financing application

Balance checkbook

Apply for Tech Elevator scholarship

Shampoo 1/2 basement carpet

Laundry

Dishes

Clean 2nd floor bathroom

Watch Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 90/91

Research macramé patterns for air plant hangers

10/13/2020: Design Patterns: Builder

TIL: Builder Design Pattern

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The Builder design pattern is another in the Creation category. While Abstract Factory creates different varieties within a family of objects (like furniture sets that come in different styles), Builder uses interfaces to create different varieties of the same object (like cars). The Builder pattern prevents creation of objects with a large number of optional parameters, or extension of a base class into subclasses covering all available options.

Again, each class or function should do one thing and one thing only. If you find you are implementing the same steps over and over in different ways, consider using a Builder interface.

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Today's accomplishments:

17K+ steps

Research making sofa slip covers

Research dog clicker / whistle training

Finish Thinkful Javascript course

Design Patterns: Builder

Dishes

Make carpet shampoo

Shampoo basement rug

Dry laundry

Finish watching Critical Role campaign 2 episode 89
Stretch

10/12/2020: Powershell and Javascript treat the lack of return keyword in a function differently

TIL: Powershell and Javascript treat the lack of return keyword in a function differently

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In Powershell, a function without the return keyword still returns the results of each statement. In Javascript, a function without the return keyword returns undefined, which means exactly what it says: the value was not defined anywhere.

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Today's accomplishments:

23K+ steps

Bathe Athena

ContinueThinkful Javascript course

Sweep and mop kitchen + basement stairs

Start laundry

Follow up on Canyon payment

Follow up on Amazon return

Balance checking account

Start watching Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 89

Stretch

10/11/2020: It takes two to lie (one to lie and one to listen)

TIL: I'm still angry at Jeff, but I'd like to let that go.

TIL: I can walk 8.5 miles at one go

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I saw Jeff riding his bicycle up from the valley this morning, while Athena and I were out walking. I'm not sure I'd have known it was him, except he waved as he rode by. That and he may be the only bicyclist out there who doesn't wear performance gear. 

I like to switch up where we walk, so Athena and I don't go that way often. I wanted a long walk today, and that route is a favorite because so much of it is grass instead of concrete. I wasn't hoping or trying to see Jeff, but I knew it was possible. He used to ride the motorcycle down into the valley just for fun, and when we rode with Frank's cycling group that's the way we came home. He hadn't ridden either bicycle or motorcycle much in the last few years of our relationship though, so it was also possible I'd never see him.

I spent the rest of our walk thinking about him. I wondered if he would spend time thinking about me. I wondered if he would try to call. I recently blocked him on my phone, because knowing he couldn't call was the only way I could think of to stop obsessing and wondering every day if he would. I don't really believe he'll ever want to talk with me again, as based on our last conversation he doesn't think very highly of me. Still, he did say he'd been about to call me that one time I called him about a Red Cross case.  

He loved to quote Homer Simposon: "It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen." 

It makes me sad now to realize how often he lied, telling me what I wanted to hear. I believed him without question. He called it diplomacy. He didn't have to say anything that day I called about the Red Cross, but his knee jerk reaction was to lie. Maybe he felt guilty for not calling when he'd told me he wanted to be friends. Of course that was also a lie. He just doesn't want to be enemies. 

There were so many lies. When I wanted to do something he didn't, he'd say "we'll talk about it." It took me YEARS to figure out that really meant No. When I pointed this out, he started saying "we'll see" instead. I understand why he doesn't like confrontation, and why it's so hard for him to tell someone No. He's a survivor of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He's a people pleaser.

I understand so much more now. I knew nothing about his drinking, his abandonment issues, his insecurities. 

I realize now he didn't love me, as a person. He loved the way he felt because I loved him. Stress and depression reduced my capacity to show that love. At the same time, he hated himself for succumbing to his addiction. In his insecurity, he determined my love had died. He felt abandoned. Because he hated himself for drinking, he had no respect for my struggles with addiction. Because he was insecure and didn't love or respect me, he viewed my motives in the worst possible light.

I'm still disappointed, hurt, and angry with him. Even understanding his difficulties with confrontation, I thought him more mature than to end a 13+ year relationship with a text. At one time he showed far greater emotional maturity. We had long discussions about owning our mistakes and feelings. I also cannot forget the blame cannon he pointed at me after the breakup, mostly for things that were actually his own fault. 

He was the first to speak my love language, our relationship the first time I truly felt loved. I told him this all the time. It was extremely disappointing to learn I wasn't loved after all. It makes me sad to think he may not be capable of more. 

Even after he broke up with me, I always viewed his actions under the best possible light. I was disappointed to learn he viewed (and still views) mine under the worst. While seemingly accepting of the most base behavior in his friends, he exhibits no understanding or empathy for the emotional turmoil I was unsuccesfully dealing with, and has no forgiveness for my resulting actions.

I knew he'd tell a salesperson "we'll be back", or tell me "we'll talk about it" rather than admit he wasn't interested. I'm disappointed in myself for repeatedly asking if he'd consider giving us another chance, and believing him when he said yes. I didn't realize his true feelings until he expressed rancor even after a full year apart.

I do still love him. I also understand we never had a chance at happily ever after. I'm prone to depression, withdrawing into myself to either wither under or struggle against the voices in my head. He is prone to viewing withdrawal as abandonment. His survival instinct is then to push away and remove himself from the source of such pain. With no love, no patience or desire to understand why I withdrew, we were destined to fail. 

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Today's accomplishments:

19K+ steps

Much thought on my current feelings re: Jeff

Mail ballot

Dungeons and Dragons

Start the next Thinkful Javascript module

Finish watching Critical Role campaign 2 episode 88

Read and respond to Stephan's correspondence

Tomorrow's ToDo list

Stretch

10/10/2020: Keeping an open mind is hard; Abstract Factory Design Pattern

TIL: Politics are hard. Keeping an open mind in today's political climate is even more difficult. 

TIL: We elect judges so the courts aren't stacked against the majority by whomever happens to be in power when the seats become available (like what is happening with the Supreme Court right now). I never put the two together before, and also didn't realize not all states elect judges. 

TIL: Abstract Factory design pattern.

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I've always leaned liberal in the political spectrum, and while I most often vote Democrat I've never considered party a hard and fast line at the ballot box. Specifically for all the court appointees, I try to discover what type of rulings and/or arguments the candidates make. Not always easy with so much rhetoric flying around, which is why I set aside several hours to go through and research the ballot prior to voting. 

I know judges are supposed to be non-partisan. For this November 3rd election however, I find I'm heavily prejudiced against Republicans simply because they are associated with our current president. I never actively wanted someone to die - until I heard the president has COVID. Wanting someone dead has always been my definition of hate, and until this past week I didn't realize I was capable of hating anyone. Not proud of it, but I'm also not proud of a country willing to ignore and/or validate and venerate blatant mysogyny and discrimination. 

I don't really want him to die. I just want him to go away, and I'm frightened he will refuse to do so even if we vote him out of office. 

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The Abstract Factory design pattern is in the Creation category, and is used when code needs to work with a variety of related objects. Instead of creating a concrete class for each variety, the factory provides interfaces. This makes it easy to add or remove object variants without having to change the code. It also allows for simpler code by treating all similar objects the same.  

In a well-designed program each class is responsible only for one thing. If your class is trying to handle similar types of the same thing, consider extracting the methods relating to those types out into a factory class or Abstract Factory interface. 

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Today's accomplishments:

21K+ Steps

Watch The Masked Singer

Wash kitchen rug

Clean 1st floor bathroom

Grocery Shopping

Start ToDo lists for the next 3 days

Sweep kitchen

Dishes

Make and freeze spaghetti

Research and fill in mail in ballot

Research Abstract Factory Design Pattern

Complete the next module of Thinkful Javascript course

Watch Critical Role campaign 2 episode 88

Stretch

Print Chris/Craig photo for painting

10/09/2020: Accepted to Tech Elevator

TIL: I've been accepted to the Tech Elevator coding bootcamp. 

TIL: I still recieve motivational quotes as an RSS feed

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I've thought about doing a bootcamp multiple times over the years, but cost and time commitment kept me from doing so. I thought even harder about it while unemployed over the last year, but again cost kept me away. However, I saw an ad about a bootcamp with an income-share agreement and living stipend (pay nothing up front, repay loans for bootcamp cost and living stipend once they help you get a job) so started looking into them. The same week, I recieved an email from Ohio Means Jobs about a program they started in conjunction with a local bootcamp named Tech Elevator. Tech Elevator has the same income-share agreement, and there are scholarships and grants available. With these advantages a bootcamp seemed doable, so I applied and today was told I've been accepted. 

While waiting for notification of acceptance to Tech Elevator, I signed up for the Thinkful bootcamp's javascript prep course. Thinkful was the bootcamp mentioned above, that offered a living stipend in addition to the income-share agreement. If I hadn't been accepted to Tech Elevator I would have gone with Thinkful specifically for that living stipend. It would have cost more than double what Tech Elevator will cost, and double Thinkful's up front cost. I wasn't happy about that, or how pushy the original salesperson at Thinkful was, but I'd already decided I need a bootcamp in order to successfully land a job. 

I need a bootcamp to regain and improve confidence in my coding, especially after what happened at Rockwell. This was made exceedingly clear during my last interview, where they asked about my coding proficiency and I couldn't hide the complete stop as my mind went blank. "It's not my strongest suit" is not what a hiring manager wants to hear from a software developer about their coding proficiency. 

I've taught myself C# while unemployed, but you don't know what you don't know, and having my code repeatedly rewritten while being told it was good "but..." left insecurities. The Sr. developer who consistently rewrote my code would tell me there were hidden errors, but was never able to explain further. He never offered to work with me or help me rewrite the code so it wouldn't produce errors. He just went and rewrote it entirely. Repeatedly. So now I don't know what I was doing wrong, if I was doing anything wrong, or if he just didn't like my code because it's not how he would have written it and I was insecure/inexperienced/female enough he felt he could rewrite it. Going through a bootcamp will give me the type of feedback he never did. 

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I'm slowly learning how to be me again, after a year in the deepest depression I've ever experienced. At one time I was considered cheerful, bubbly, a dose of sunshine, and in one case "the happiest person I've ever met." With everything happening over the past several years, I'd forgotten how to be positive and happy. That's a part of me I certainly want to keep! 

I recently reconnected with an ex on FB, and while conversing with him found my feed full of motivational quotes (and politics, and baby pictures). I'd forgotten I subscribed to anything like that. Today I was cleaning out some of my Outlook folders and rediscovered my RSS folder. All motivational quote feeds. I started a spreadsheet/database and am considering a tiny app that will open a document on my desktop to display a new/random motivational quote every day. Because I need another project. :)

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Today's accomplishments:

Balance checkbooks and reach out re: other financial matters 

Start motivational quote spreadsheet

Revisit/rewrite Why We Can't Be Friends poem

Begin the Tech Elevator application process 

Start a daily blog re: learning something new every day 

Vacuum basement and living room

14K+ steps

Macrame air plant holder

Watch the next episode of Critical Role

Tomorrow's ToDo list

Stretch

Planned:

Complete the next module of Thinkful Javascript course

Watch The Masked Singer

why we can't be friends, revisited

 there's no way to heal the wounds left

when you decided falsely what I felt

no way to obtain all I wanted again

to feel safe and secure in your hands

 

I wanted 'til death do us part

what I have is a broken heart

I needed a love of permanence

when life shredded my confidence

instead you said mine was no longer appealing

you found me unlovable

unredeeming

 

when the darkness of my depression descended

all light left and I could no longer pretend

I was unaffected

I was afraid

I fought to maintain some semblance of function

failing again and again

 

my attention focused on trying to mend

my shattered ego

my broken world

with nothing else of myself to give

I shared my secrets and shame

 

my trust was a gift you didn’t want

instead you held yourself apart

caught up in your own reflection

wounded by my lack of attention

affection

you decided the love I still held in my heart

had gone cold

in silence you chose

 

I needed you to treat me with kindness

Instead you chose willful blindness

blaming

recriminating

berating

your love and good will abated

 

I still love

and want

and yearn

though dimmed now through distance

silence and pain

your resistance to thoughts of return

it’s taken this long to learn

we weren’t what I thought we once were

I know now your love was never for me

but for how I made you feel

9/4/19 - Why We Can't Be Friends

With you in close proximity

My reaction would be distressing

There's no way to heal

The wounds left from guessing

Falsely what I feel

And no way to obtain

What I want

What I need

To be safe and secure in your love again

I need more from you than you're capable

I need the freedom to be able

to live imperfectly

Where mistakes are accepted

Learned from

Forgotten

Not used to blame and shame

Months or years after forgiven

I need unconditional love

I want 'til death do us part

Not kicked to the curb with a broken heart

I want reassurance

Of your love in perdurance

When life shreds my confidence

I need to be cognizant

You still find me appealing

Loveable

Redeeming

When the dark of depression descends

And it will

When I haven't it in me

To fill

You with love, affection, attention

Don't decide for us both

the love I still hold

Has gone cold

Frozen, never to return

Understand I still yearn

To love you

To please you

I want you

I need you to treat me with kindness

not let your propensity for blindness

give vent to Derision

Beration

Frustration

Recrimination

Aggravation

and Chastigation

Know the light will return

It still shines

It still burns

though dimmed

I shall never cease to struggle within

to magnify and reflect any love that you give

9/2/19 - Nothing

There is nothing more to say
The flame
the shame
the pain won't go away

My heart breaks every day we are apart
though it's been months
every day I still find
my heart shattered into shards
that slice and stick and stab
and I bleed

You don't love me
you don't need me
you don't want me
you don't see me the way you once did

Even though I hid
nothing

Even though I gave you
everything

I don't see how we can ever be
anything
again

I don't see how we can ever be
together
again
or even friends

Every day I regret the mistakes I made
every way I could see to take them away
I ruminate

For your love I would wait
weeks, months, years
if I thought you would change
your thoughts and your fears
but you won't.

Once, you lay beside me
once, you stood behind me
once, your arms were around me
once life and love were happy

Once you loved me
once you wanted me
once you liked me
Now you haunt me

And there is nothing I can say
to change the way you feel today

Saturday January 24, 2015

50-90 mg Phenylpiracetam + the standard 200mg L-theanine

I notice I'm laughing out loud lately. Not sure if that's the pain killers or the nootropics. Will continue to try keeping an eye on this.

Friday January 23, 2015

300 mg Adrafinil today, plus the 200 mg L-theanine I've been taking since Tuesday with my coffee.

45 minutes in, I'm feeling a bit ADD, where I expected to feel more focused. Reading blogs. I've pulled my bills out to work on them but only sorted the top document. I'm pulling myself back to work, but blogs immediately call to me.

I haven't finished my coffee yet, which seems unusual. I went for half the cream today, too.

I'm also trying not medicating my back for as long as I can stand it. I need to know exactly how bad I'm feeling. I keep second guessing myself and downplaying. I woke up asking if I really hurt at all! I do. It's in my neck/shoulder, and it's in my left hip/groin/buttock. Not excruciating. Not comfortable. I really should take something soon, because once pain gets out of hand it does NOT like to be subdued. I probably could have gone to work today, but I would have been uncomfortable. Discomfort is better alone, at home.

11:30. Think about eating breakfast, then think "am I really hungry?" The answer so far is "not really, no." 2 coffees - the equivalent of half the heavy cream I've been using lately. Not sure if this is the placebo affect or not. Not sure I care, if it keeps me from over-eating, though I'm a bit concerned with how much protein I get for donating tomorrow. Keeping that balance will be interesting.

12:30. Stomach grumbling, but still not feeling particularly hungry. Ate breakfast (eggs) anyway. Drinking tea and water. Not particularly thirsty either, but it seems important.

Still not feeling focused on any one thing. Bouncing between things like updating a year's worth of sprint information, which is something I had on my list, updating here, reading my blogs. Nothing important or thought provoking going on.

2:15. Hungry now? Interesting. Eating lunch.

6:30. Wasn't really hungry but went to an all you can eat buffet and ate ALL. I. COULD. EAT. I want to say I ate less than I might have, but I'm not sure that's true. I was certainly more picky about what I finished eating, leaving several deserts I may have finished on another day.

Thursday January 22, 2015

Staying home for the discomfort of kidney stones. On 600 mg ibuprofen, which takes the edge of but doesn't get rid of the discomfort in my back, my hip, and currently my groin.

My nootropics arrived today. Took ~20mg of noopept. Will try to remember to update with how that goes. Only working another hour or so before getting ready for my CT scan. I might get on and work more after, or I might work on the rover programming assignment. Or I might look more closely at the algebra classes I want to take while I'm out of school this term.

Nootropics. I'm mostly interested in the loss of appetite that is supposed to be associated with them. The mental acuity is a bonus, because I have been struggling for words at work and would like to feel more intelligent.  I would like to understand Boston post and am tired of hearing people talk about the product without understanding what they say. Mostly in tired of feeling I'm not intelligent when I used to believe I was, before moving to PD.

I'm also hoping the increased awareness, intelligence, whatever will help me focus on NOT eating when I'm not hungry.  I'm kind of aware when I do that now, but not enough to stop me.

I was up at 6:30 this morning, awake earlier but not wanting to get out of bed. It's now 9:30 pm and while I yawned a couple times in the past few hours, I'm not particularly tired. I'm not hungry either, though that might be due to the pint of ice cream I force fed myself this morning. I did have a small bit of chicken thigh + indian lentil soup, and I'm now eating nuts. This is because, while I've recently downed a liter of water, I'm thirsty and my mouth is bored, not because I'm hungry. 

So. "Kind of  aware" but currently not caring. I took a percocet for pain I wasn't really feeling, and am eating to fill a hunger that isn't there. Wondering what the Dr. will say tomorrow. This is NOT all in my mind, though I may be blowing it up into more than it actually is. 

I plan to cycle the nootropics, so I don't build up any tolerances. Once I get some experience with dosage and which does what I'll have a better idea how to handle them. I'm also not sure whether to tell Jeff. I don't talk about my supplements, but while these are (mostly) over the counter supplements they are a little different from A, B, and Biotin.

Tuesday January 20, 2015

I did not want to get out of bed this morning.  I slept just fine, only up a couple times to pee which is normal. Just... the bed was warm and comfortable and I was not looking forward to working out.

First day on l-theanine in the morning with coffee. I want to say I am more awake, but not sure if that's just placebo.  Will see how the day goes.  I DID decide to start logging and blogging, which I've thought about before but never actually done. This will be unpublished,  a private diary of sorts. Of course, I'm blogging instead of working out...

Feeling scattered.

Took super ibuprofen this morning and feel like it makes things hurt more to reduce the inflammation.  There is a reason the body creates inflammation. It is a protective measure.

Frustrated and possibly depressed over the Dr's reaction that I decided it's time to deal with my back. She didn't dismiss me entirely but it certainly felt like the last time,  and really there is nothing to be done unless I'm heading toward surgery.  Maybe physical therapy will help.  Maybe.

No workout this morning.  Just a long hot shower again. Hopefully l-theanine will help me concentrate so I don't eat when I'm not hungry.  I was aware of that yesterday but it didn't stop me. Other nootropics should arrive in a day or so. I'm very hopeful. 

Funny how I thought for an instant I would be rich, when I first believed I would be thin with these pills. Being thin really is the holy grail, built up into the magic solution for everything I want in my life.  Still hopeful I'll be thin finally, but realize there is no magic. So hopeful though. Will see.

Being thin will of course make me look older anyway, so I'll have to decide which bothers me more or find a happy balance. I guess hopeful = belief at this point if I'm making plans.