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October 12, 2020

10/12/2020: Powershell and Javascript treat the lack of return keyword in a function differently

TIL: Powershell and Javascript treat the lack of return keyword in a function differently

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In Powershell, a function without the return keyword still returns the results of each statement. In Javascript, a function without the return keyword returns undefined, which means exactly what it says: the value was not defined anywhere.

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Today's accomplishments:
23K+ steps
Bathe Athena
ContinueThinkful Javascript course
Sweep and mop kitchen + basement stairs
Start laundry
Follow up on Canyon payment
Follow up on Amazon return
Balance checking account
Start watching Critical Role Campaign 2 Episode 89
Stretch


October 11, 2020

10/11/2020: It takes two to lie (one to lie and one to listen)

TIL: I'm still angry at Jeff, but I'd like to let that go.

TIL: I can walk 8.5 miles at one go

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I saw Jeff riding his bicycle up from the valley this morning, while Athena and I were out walking. I'm not sure I'd have known it was him, except he waved as he rode by. That and he may be the only bicyclist out there who doesn't wear performance gear. 

I like to switch up where we walk, so Athena and I don't go that way often. I wanted a long walk today, and that route is a favorite because so much of it is grass instead of concrete. I wasn't hoping or trying to see Jeff, but I knew it was possible. He used to ride the motorcycle down into the valley just for fun, and when we rode with Frank's cycling group that's the way we came home. He hadn't ridden either bicycle or motorcycle much in the last few years of our relationship though, so it was also possible I'd never see him.

I spent the rest of our walk thinking about him. I wondered if he would spend time thinking about me. I wondered if he would try to call. I recently blocked him on my phone, because knowing he couldn't call was the only way I could think of to stop obsessing and wondering every day if he would. I don't really believe he'll ever want to talk with me again, as based on our last conversation he doesn't think very highly of me. Still, he did say he'd been about to call me that one time I called him about a Red Cross case.  

He loved to quote Homer Simposon: "It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen." 

It makes me sad now to realize how often he lied, telling me what I wanted to hear. I believed him without question. He called it diplomacy. He didn't have to say anything that day I called about the Red Cross, but his knee jerk reaction was to lie. Maybe he felt guilty for not calling when he'd told me he wanted to be friends. Of course that was also a lie. He just doesn't want to be enemies. 

There were so many lies. When I wanted to do something he didn't, he'd say "we'll talk about it." It took me YEARS to figure out that really meant No. When I pointed this out, he started saying "we'll see" instead. I understand why he doesn't like confrontation, and why it's so hard for him to tell someone No. He's a survivor of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. He's a people pleaser.

I understand so much more now. I knew nothing about his drinking, his abandonment issues, his insecurities. 

I realize now he didn't love me, as a person. He loved the way he felt because I loved him. Stress and depression reduced my capacity to show that love. At the same time, he hated himself for succumbing to his addiction. In his insecurity, he determined my love had died. He felt abandoned. Because he hated himself for drinking, he had no respect for my struggles with addiction. Because he was insecure and didn't love or respect me, he viewed my motives in the worst possible light.

I'm still disappointed, hurt, and angry with him. Even understanding his difficulties with confrontation, I thought him more mature than to end a 13+ year relationship with a text. At one time he showed far greater emotional maturity. We had long discussions about owning our mistakes and feelings. I also cannot forget the blame cannon he pointed at me after the breakup, mostly for things that were actually his own fault. 

He was the first to speak my love language, our relationship the first time I truly felt loved. I told him this all the time. It was extremely disappointing to learn I wasn't loved after all. It makes me sad to think he may not be capable of more. 

Even after he broke up with me, I always viewed his actions under the best possible light. I was disappointed to learn he viewed (and still views) mine under the worst. While seemingly accepting of the most base behavior in his friends, he exhibits no understanding or empathy for the emotional turmoil I was unsuccesfully dealing with, and has no forgiveness for my resulting actions.

I knew he'd tell a salesperson "we'll be back", or tell me "we'll talk about it" rather than admit he wasn't interested. I'm disappointed in myself for repeatedly asking if he'd consider giving us another chance, and believing him when he said yes. I didn't realize his true feelings until he expressed rancor even after a full year apart.

I do still love him. I also understand we never had a chance at happily ever after. I'm prone to depression, withdrawing into myself to either wither under or struggle against the voices in my head. He is prone to viewing withdrawal as abandonment. His survival instinct is then to push away and remove himself from the source of such pain. With no love, no patience or desire to understand why I withdrew, we were destined to fail. 

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Today's accomplishments:

19K+ steps
Much thought on my current feelings re: Jeff
Mail ballot
Dungeons and Dragons
Start the next Thinkful Javascript module
Finish watching Critical Role campaign 2 episode 88
Read and respond to Stephan's correspondence
Tomorrow's ToDo list
Stretch

October 10, 2020

10/10/2020: Keeping an open mind is hard; Abstract Factory Design Pattern

TIL: Politics are hard. Keeping an open mind in today's political climate is even more difficult. 

TIL: We elect judges so the courts aren't stacked against the majority by whomever happens to be in power when the seats become available (like what is happening with the Supreme Court right now). I never put the two together before, and also didn't realize not all states elect judges. 

TIL: Abstract Factory design pattern.

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I've always leaned liberal in the political spectrum, and while I most often vote Democrat I've never considered party a hard and fast line at the ballot box. Specifically for all the court appointees, I try to discover what type of rulings and/or arguments the candidates make. Not always easy with so much rhetoric flying around, which is why I set aside several hours to go through and research the ballot prior to voting. 

I know judges are supposed to be non-partisan. For this November 3rd election however, I find I'm heavily prejudiced against Republicans simply because they are associated with our current president. I never actively wanted someone to die - until I heard the president has COVID. Wanting someone dead has always been my definition of hate, and until this past week I didn't realize I was capable of hating anyone. Not proud of it, but I'm also not proud of a country willing to ignore and/or validate and venerate blatant mysogyny and discrimination. 

I don't really want him to die. I just want him to go away, and I'm frightened he will refuse to do so even if we vote him out of office. 

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The Abstract Factory design pattern is in the Creation category, and is used when code needs to work with a variety of related objects. Instead of creating a concrete class for each variety, the factory provides interfaces. This makes it easy to add or remove object variants without having to change the code. It also allows for simpler code by treating all similar objects the same.  

In a well-designed program each class is responsible only for one thing. If your class is trying to handle similar types of the same thing, consider extracting the methods relating to those types out into a factory class or Abstract Factory interface. 

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Today's accomplishments:
21K+ Steps
Watch The Masked Singer
Wash kitchen rug
Clean 1st floor bathroom
Grocery Shopping
Start ToDo lists for the next 3 days
Sweep kitchen
Dishes
Make and freeze spaghetti
Research and fill in mail in ballot
Research Abstract Factory Design Pattern
Complete the next module of Thinkful Javascript course
Watch Critical Role campaign 2 episode 88
Stretch
Print Chris/Craig photo for painting

October 9, 2020

10/09/2020: Accepted to Tech Elevator

TIL: I've been accepted to the Tech Elevator coding bootcamp. 

TIL: I still recieve motivational quotes as an RSS feed

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I've thought about doing a bootcamp multiple times over the years, but cost and time commitment kept me from doing so. I thought even harder about it while unemployed over the last year, but again cost kept me away. However, I saw an ad about a bootcamp with an income-share agreement and living stipend (pay nothing up front, repay loans for bootcamp cost and living stipend once they help you get a job) so started looking into them. The same week, I recieved an email from Ohio Means Jobs about a program they started in conjunction with a local bootcamp named Tech Elevator. Tech Elevator has the same income-share agreement, and there are scholarships and grants available. With these advantages a bootcamp seemed doable, so I applied and today was told I've been accepted. 

While waiting for notification of acceptance to Tech Elevator, I signed up for the Thinkful bootcamp's javascript prep course. Thinkful was the bootcamp mentioned above, that offered a living stipend in addition to the income-share agreement. If I hadn't been accepted to Tech Elevator I would have gone with Thinkful specifically for that living stipend. It would have cost more than double what Tech Elevator will cost, and double Thinkful's up front cost. I wasn't happy about that, or how pushy the original salesperson at Thinkful was, but I'd already decided I need a bootcamp in order to successfully land a job. 

I need a bootcamp to regain and improve confidence in my coding, especially after what happened at Rockwell. This was made exceedingly clear during my last interview, where they asked about my coding proficiency and I couldn't hide the complete stop as my mind went blank. "It's not my strongest suit" is not what a hiring manager wants to hear from a software developer about their coding proficiency. 

I've taught myself C# while unemployed, but you don't know what you don't know, and having my code repeatedly rewritten while being told it was good "but..." left insecurities. The Sr. developer who consistently rewrote my code would tell me there were hidden errors, but was never able to explain further. He never offered to work with me or help me rewrite the code so it wouldn't produce errors. He just went and rewrote it entirely. Repeatedly. So now I don't know what I was doing wrong, if I was doing anything wrong, or if he just didn't like my code because it's not how he would have written it and I was insecure/inexperienced/female enough he felt he could rewrite it. Going through a bootcamp will give me the type of feedback he never did. 

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I'm slowly learning how to be me again, after a year in the deepest depression I've ever experienced. At one time I was considered cheerful, bubbly, a dose of sunshine, and in one case "the happiest person I've ever met." With everything happening over the past several years, I'd forgotten how to be positive and happy. That's a part of me I certainly want to keep! 

I recently reconnected with an ex on FB, and while conversing with him found my feed full of motivational quotes (and politics, and baby pictures). I'd forgotten I subscribed to anything like that. Today I was cleaning out some of my Outlook folders and rediscovered my RSS folder. All motivational quote feeds. I started a spreadsheet/database and am considering a tiny app that will open a document on my desktop to display a new/random motivational quote every day. Because I need another project. :)

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Today's accomplishments:
Balance checkbooks and reach out re: other financial matters 
Start motivational quote spreadsheet
Revisit/rewrite Why We Can't Be Friends poem
Begin the Tech Elevator application process 
Start a daily blog re: learning something new every day 
Vacuum basement and living room
14K+ steps
Macrame air plant holder
Watch the next episode of Critical Role
Tomorrow's ToDo list
Stretch

Planned:
Complete the next module of Thinkful Javascript course
Watch The Masked Singer

why we can't be friends, revisited

 there's no way to heal the wounds left

when you decided falsely what I felt

no way to obtain all I wanted again

to feel safe and secure in your hands

 

I wanted 'til death do us part

what I have is a broken heart

I needed a love of permanence

when life shredded my confidence

instead you said mine was no longer appealing

you found me unlovable

unredeeming

 

when the darkness of my depression descended

all light left and I could no longer pretend

I was unaffected

I was afraid

I fought to maintain some semblance of function

failing again and again

 

my attention focused on trying to mend

my shattered ego

my broken world

with nothing else of myself to give

I shared my secrets and shame

 

my trust was a gift you didn’t want

instead you held yourself apart

caught up in your own reflection

wounded by my lack of attention

affection

you decided the love I still held in my heart

had gone cold

in silence you chose

 

I needed you to treat me with kindness

Instead you chose willful blindness

blaming

recriminating

berating

your love and good will abated

 

I still love

and want

and yearn

though dimmed now through distance

silence and pain

your resistance to thoughts of return

it’s taken this long to learn

we weren’t what I thought we once were

I know now your love was never for me

but for how I made you feel

September 5, 2019

9/4/19 - Why We Can't Be Friends


With you in close proximity
My reaction would be distressing
There's no way to heal
The wounds left from guessing
Falsely what I feel
And no way to obtain
What I want
What I need
To be safe and secure in your love again

I need more from you than you're capable
I need the freedom to be able
to live imperfectly
Where mistakes are accepted
Learned from
Forgotten
Not used to blame and shame
Months or years after forgiven

I need unconditional love
I want 'til death do us part
Not kicked to the curb with a broken heart

I want reassurance
Of your love in perdurance
When life shreds my confidence
I need to be cognizant
You still find me appealing
Loveable
Redeeming

When the dark of depression descends
And it will
When I haven't it in me
To fill
You with love, affection, attention

Don't decide for us both

the love I still hold
Has gone cold
Frozen, never to return

Understand I still yearn
To love you
To please you
I want you
I need you to treat me with kindness
not let your propensity for blindness
give vent to Derision
Beration
Frustration
Recrimination
Aggravation
and Chastigation


Know the light will return
It still shines
It still burns
though dimmed
I shall never cease to struggle within
to magnify and reflect any love that you give

September 2, 2019

9/2/19 - Nothing

There is nothing more to say
The flame
the shame
the pain won't go away
My heart breaks every day we are apart
though it's been months
every day I still find
my heart shattered into shards
that slice and stick and stab
and I bleed
You don't love me
you don't need me
you don't want me
you don't see me the way you once did
Even though I hid
nothing
Even though I gave you
everything
I don't see how we can ever be
anything
again
I don't see how we can ever be
together
again
or even friends
Every day I regret the mistakes I made
every way I could see to take them away
I ruminate
For your love I would wait
weeks, months, years
if I thought you would change
your thoughts and your fears
but you won't.
Once, you lay beside me
once, you stood behind me
once, your arms were around me
once life and love were happy
Once you loved me
once you wanted me
once you liked me
Now you haunt me
And there is nothing I can say
to change the way you feel today

January 24, 2015

Saturday January 24, 2015

50-90 mg Phenylpiracetam + the standard 200mg L-theanine

I notice I'm laughing out loud lately. Not sure if that's the pain killers or the nootropics. Will continue to try keeping an eye on this.


January 23, 2015

Friday January 23, 2015

300 mg Adrafinil today, plus the 200 mg L-theanine I've been taking since Tuesday with my coffee.

45 minutes in, I'm feeling a bit ADD, where I expected to feel more focused. Reading blogs. I've pulled my bills out to work on them but only sorted the top document. I'm pulling myself back to work, but blogs immediately call to me.

I haven't finished my coffee yet, which seems unusual. I went for half the cream today, too.

I'm also trying not medicating my back for as long as I can stand it. I need to know exactly how bad I'm feeling. I keep second guessing myself and downplaying. I woke up asking if I really hurt at all! I do. It's in my neck/shoulder, and it's in my left hip/groin/buttock. Not excruciating. Not comfortable. I really should take something soon, because once pain gets out of hand it does NOT like to be subdued. I probably could have gone to work today, but I would have been uncomfortable. Discomfort is better alone, at home.

11:30. Think about eating breakfast, then think "am I really hungry?" The answer so far is "not really, no." 2 coffees - the equivalent of half the heavy cream I've been using lately. Not sure if this is the placebo affect or not. Not sure I care, if it keeps me from over-eating, though I'm a bit concerned with how much protein I get for donating tomorrow. Keeping that balance will be interesting.

12:30. Stomach grumbling, but still not feeling particularly hungry. Ate breakfast (eggs) anyway. Drinking tea and water. Not particularly thirsty either, but it seems important.

Still not feeling focused on any one thing. Bouncing between things like updating a year's worth of sprint information, which is something I had on my list, updating here, reading my blogs. Nothing important or thought provoking going on.

2:15. Hungry now? Interesting. Eating lunch.

6:30. Wasn't really hungry but went to an all you can eat buffet and ate ALL. I. COULD. EAT. I want to say I ate less than I might have, but I'm not sure that's true. I was certainly more picky about what I finished eating, leaving several deserts I may have finished on another day.

January 22, 2015

Thursday January 22, 2015

Staying home for the discomfort of kidney stones. On 600 mg ibuprofen, which takes the edge of but doesn't get rid of the discomfort in my back, my hip, and currently my groin.

My nootropics arrived today. Took ~20mg of noopept. Will try to remember to update with how that goes. Only working another hour or so before getting ready for my CT scan. I might get on and work more after, or I might work on the rover programming assignment. Or I might look more closely at the algebra classes I want to take while I'm out of school this term.

Nootropics. I'm mostly interested in the loss of appetite that is supposed to be associated with them. The mental acuity is a bonus, because I have been struggling for words at work and would like to feel more intelligent.  I would like to understand Boston post and am tired of hearing people talk about the product without understanding what they say. Mostly in tired of feeling I'm not intelligent when I used to believe I was, before moving to PD.

I'm also hoping the increased awareness, intelligence, whatever will help me focus on NOT eating when I'm not hungry.  I'm kind of aware when I do that now, but not enough to stop me.

I was up at 6:30 this morning, awake earlier but not wanting to get out of bed. It's now 9:30 pm and while I yawned a couple times in the past few hours, I'm not particularly tired. I'm not hungry either, though that might be due to the pint of ice cream I force fed myself this morning. I did have a small bit of chicken thigh + indian lentil soup, and I'm now eating nuts. This is because, while I've recently downed a liter of water, I'm thirsty and my mouth is bored, not because I'm hungry. 

So. "Kind of  aware" but currently not caring. I took a percocet for pain I wasn't really feeling, and am eating to fill a hunger that isn't there. Wondering what the Dr. will say tomorrow. This is NOT all in my mind, though I may be blowing it up into more than it actually is. 

I plan to cycle the nootropics, so I don't build up any tolerances. Once I get some experience with dosage and which does what I'll have a better idea how to handle them. I'm also not sure whether to tell Jeff. I don't talk about my supplements, but while these are (mostly) over the counter supplements they are a little different from A, B, and Biotin.

January 20, 2015

Tuesday January 20, 2015

I did not want to get out of bed this morning.  I slept just fine, only up a couple times to pee which is normal. Just... the bed was warm and comfortable and I was not looking forward to working out.

First day on l-theanine in the morning with coffee. I want to say I am more awake, but not sure if that's just placebo.  Will see how the day goes.  I DID decide to start logging and blogging, which I've thought about before but never actually done. This will be unpublished,  a private diary of sorts. Of course, I'm blogging instead of working out...

Feeling scattered.

Took super ibuprofen this morning and feel like it makes things hurt more to reduce the inflammation.  There is a reason the body creates inflammation. It is a protective measure.

Frustrated and possibly depressed over the Dr's reaction that I decided it's time to deal with my back. She didn't dismiss me entirely but it certainly felt like the last time,  and really there is nothing to be done unless I'm heading toward surgery.  Maybe physical therapy will help.  Maybe.

No workout this morning.  Just a long hot shower again. Hopefully l-theanine will help me concentrate so I don't eat when I'm not hungry.  I was aware of that yesterday but it didn't stop me. Other nootropics should arrive in a day or so. I'm very hopeful. 

Funny how I thought for an instant I would be rich, when I first believed I would be thin with these pills. Being thin really is the holy grail, built up into the magic solution for everything I want in my life.  Still hopeful I'll be thin finally, but realize there is no magic. So hopeful though. Will see.

Being thin will of course make me look older anyway, so I'll have to decide which bothers me more or find a happy balance. I guess hopeful = belief at this point if I'm making plans.

July 31, 2014

You've touched a nerve, my friend


Last week I yelled at Monkey Boy for fat shaming a woman in a pair of booty shorts. Yesterday he posted an article that's been making the rounds, entitled "6 Things I Don't Understand About the Fat Shaming Movement." I have a lot of issue with this article... more than can be expressed in Facebook comments.

This is me elaborating.

TL;DR: The point of the fat acceptance movement, which the author completely misses, is that everyone on this earth should be appreciated and respected without shame, stigma, or oppression, no matter their size. 

Maybe I shouldn't have used the word wrong in my FB comment. Misguided might be a better term, because the author is talking about things she claims not to understand regarding the fat acceptance movement. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she doesn't understand because she's never BEEN fat, saying she's a "normal" size (her quotes). What she really means is she's a socially acceptable size, which is not the same thing. The movement isn't for or even about her. She doesn't understand it because she can't conceive not hating herself if she were fat.

I'll address her points one by one. Again, TL;DR at the bottom.

1. America is extremely accepting of fat. America's food, marketing, and yes even diet industries are likely the driving force behind a good portion of our obesity, but America is NOT accepting of fat. The author downplays the prevalence of negative stereotypes, staring, bullying, and crude comments, possibly because she's never seen, heard, or experienced them herself. She may not be aware of the constant barrage of well-meaning and not so well-meaning comments people of  not normal size have to endure on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis. Random strangers judge and try to dictate what a fat person eats, wears, and how much or little they move, without a single idea who that person is or what their personal or medical history might be.

She doesn't mention people of every size participate in the behaviors she cites, nor that body size and behavior are two entirely different things. Instead she implies all fat people are fat because of lifestyle choices. She doesn't mention that SHE is in fact not accepting of fat, and the fact her article went viral is an indication of how rampant that attitude is in our culture. She also doesn't mention that somehow her attitude gives her the right to judge, dictate to, and discuss the acceptance of anyone with a body shape she deems unfit and outside the spectrum of "normal."

2. Body Positivity should include health. This point assumes it's impossible to be healthy when overweight, fat people have absolutely no healthy habits, and being fat is a choice. Body Positivity is more than loving the shape you're in. It's about loving yourself, no matter the shape you're in.

Dieting or losing weight is not the only way to be proactive about your health. Multiple studies have proven dieting, for the majority of people, simply does not work. THIS BLOG POST links to a slew of studies (not just articles hyping, but the actual statistical studies) showing most people lost all of 5-10 lbs, which they then gained back, regardless of the diet they tried. Diets don't make a person more healthy, either. Healthy habits lead to healthy bodies.

The fact is, what we know about nutrition and how the body utilizes it changes every day. One thing we do know is there is no one diet that works for everyone. Every person's body reacts differently based not only on their history and genetics, but also the history and genetics of their parents and grandparents. We don't even know how far back epigenetics affects us.

Regardless of medical history, there is no way convincing people to hate their bodies is in any way a path to health. 

3. Health at every size seems physically impossible. It's true not every person is healthy at every size. People of all sizes have health issues. Just because a person is thinner or heavier than the socially acceptable norm does not mean they are unhealthy. People can eat a lot, be sedentary, and also be thin. People can be "morbidly obese" (the definition and history of this term would take far more space than this already overly long post, but we can get into it if you want) without medical indicators for diabetes, heart disease, joint issues, or any of the other red flags the author seems concerned with. Heart disease and high blood pressure really don't care about your height, weight, or BMI (another false indicator picked up and proliferated by the insurance industry). 

Seriously, read the blog post linked above. It's one of about a million the author could have read to further her understanding, were she truly interested in understanding. Healthy habits = healthy bodies.  

4. People are allowed to not be attracted to certain body types. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to, or not being attracted to certain body types. You don't have to lust after a larger woman. Her not being to your taste however does not give you the right to belittle that woman or tell her what she can or can't wear. This goes deeper than someone saying "no fatties" on their dating profile. No overweight person would want to date someone who reduced them to nothing more than a body size anyway. The focus is not on getting people to be attracted to larger body types, but on permitting people with larger body types the freedom to FEEL attractive. Today's society implies those with a Rubenesque figure should hate themselves, and anyone who finds them attractive should hate themselves as well.

This doesn't even address where our idea of attractive comes from, btw. Hello, Photoshop anyone?

5. Food addiction is a real medical problem. I agree we should address the fact our food supply and marketing industry is constructed to make us addicted and to over-consume. However, addicts almost never respond well to the interventions the author suggests. Telling a person they are fat, they eat the wrong things and they are killing themselves is not a revelation to them (and may not be true!). They heard these things already, many times, in many ways, all day every day. It's like telling someone they need to quit smoking. When has that ever really worked? The addict (if they are one) has to come to terms with their addiction on their own, in terms they alone can relate to. Only then can they make changes, and even then changes are not always successful.

And btw, not every overweight person is addicted to food. There are as many reason why a person is the size they are, as there are people in this world. The author may very well have one of several other food disorders, where she obsesses about everything she puts in her mouth. This just happens to be a socially acceptable disorder in that it makes her look more what we consider "normal". We won't even talk about the contradiction of her implying people are fat by choice, then bringing up food addiction. 

6. We can't accept childhood obesity. I also agree that we have to teach children healthy eating habits at a young age. It bothers me to see infants and toddlers with full size candy bars and sodas. However, children of "normal" sized adults can and are obese. Just like adults, some children can consume candy and soda without ballooning to an unreasonable size. Some children have the same issues that cause obesity in adults. Making them hate themselves at a young age is certainly not the way to resolve whatever issues they are dealing with. 

I see this article as complete bias against the Fat Acceptance Movement, wrapped in the pretense of a lack of understanding. If the author wanted to understand, there are blogs, studies, and articles galore that could help alleviate her misconceptions. I don't think she wants them alleviated though. I think she feels superior because she's always been "normal" sized, and as I indicated above, that gives her the right to pass judgement on anyone who does not fit her definition of "normal." This fits Merriam-Webster's definition of prejudice: "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience." And THAT is why this article, and people's reaction to it, have touched a nerve. 

TL;DR: The point of the fat acceptance movement, which the author completely misses, is that everyone on this earth should be appreciated and respected without shame, stigma, or oppression, no matter their size. 

February 4, 2014

The evolution of a plan

I've been thinking lately about incorporating daily yoga.

Plan A is the dreamer in me, the ideal, which includes being able to afford both Crossfit and unlimited yoga:

Get up at 6:00am, out the door by 7:00, arrive at work around 7:30
Take an hour + lunch for Crossfit
work until 5:00pm
attend the 6:00 yoga session

At first glance, this would allow me to attend Crossfit every weekday, and Yoga at least 3 weeknights (plus the Saturday class with Superman). Depending on my year end bonus, I might actually be able to swing this and still pay off all my credit cards this year, which is a priority. 
I don't see my year end bonus until March though, and I doubt it will be sizable at all. Also, looking more closely at the schedules, it turns out Yoga only has the 6pm classes Mon-Thurs, and I currently donate plasma Thurs/Sat. I have a standing Wednesday night that I could do after Yoga, but that means driving past where I want to be, then having to backtrack. This wouldn't be such an issue if I weren't already over my lease mileage for the year. 

As much as I like to dream this plan is possible, in reality it's not that simple. I'm reduced to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday yoga, and Wednesday is not ideal. Also, the 12:00 Crossfit class requires I leave work at 11:45, already dressed for a workout. It's not uncommon for me to have 11:00-12:00 meetings, which means I'd have to shift things around on the fly. I do this anyway, but I'd have to be sure I could attend enough Crossfit classes mid-day to make paying for unlimited yoga worthwhile. Crossfit > Yoga, though not by much. 
I want to be her!
Plan B requires quite a bit more motivation on my part. It's easier to get up and get out than it is to get up and work out.

Get up at 6:00am, do an hour of yoga. 
Out the door by 7:45, at work by 8:30. (This is close to what I'm doing now, except I get up at 7:00 and leave around 8:00.)
don't take lunch, which is what I’m doing now.
work until 5:00pm
attend Crossfit at 6:00pm.

The benefit of this plan is I do yoga every day, and it doesn't cost me anything. I've actually made some progress with this schedule, this week.  I scheduled a task on my computer to simply shut it down at 10:00pm. When the computer shuts down, it's time for bed. Not time to do dishes or laundry or pick up my phone. Time to go to bed. According to http://sleepyti.me/, I should be asleep by 10:30pm in order to wake up easily at 6:00am. Sunday I had some trouble getting to sleep, probably because I napped that afternoon. I was still awake without my alarm at 6:00am, and out of bed by 6:15. Last night I was tired so went to bed at 9:30pm, and was out of bed by 6:30am.

I originally envisioned a full on hour of yoga, complete with mat and music and sun salutations. This is not happening. What happens is I get up and stretch my calves on the stairs. Then I fold over and stretch my hamstrings. At some point I grab my pullup bar and stretch my arms/shoulders/back. I have a towel set up on a banister at the top of the stairs to help stretch out my quads. I putter around for the next half hour, getting things together, getting things done, and stretching every once in a while in the process. It's not as intense or focused as an hour of yoga would be, but at least I'm stretching. This is progress. Bonus points for making it to work earlier, since I’m getting everything done before 7, which is when I was waking up before. 
So close!
I haven't completely given up on running, either. I'm not really running right now, but I'd still like to participate in the Cleveland 10 Miler at the end of April. At this point it will have to be a walk/run, and I’m OK with that considering. I'll have to work out a schedule and see how running fits into Crossfit, which is much more exciting and feels much more doable at the moment. Right now I see the schedule something like this:

What I would like to happen
Monday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit & Run
Tuesday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit & Run
Wednesday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit
Thursday: AM Yoga, PM donate plasma & Run
Friday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit
Saturday: AM Yoga class, PM donate plasma
Sunday: AM Yoga,  PM Long Run

What will probably happen
Monday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit
Tuesday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit
Wednesday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit
Thursday: AM stretching, PM donate plasma & Walk/Run
Friday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit
Saturday: AM Yoga class, PM donate plasma
Sunday: PM Long Run

I included the plasma donations because they take up those timeslots, and because they affect my other workouts.

The "What will probably happen" may change as I get stronger, as it gets warmer, and as we have more daylight. I might actually run after Crossfit, or in the mornings. I'll be happy if I can get 2 weekday runs in, and the weekend long run. Hopefully, I can increase those over time. I have to be careful though, that I don't overdo and hurt myself again, as I'm prone to do.



February 3, 2014

So I guess this really is happening

 
Last Tuesday, Superman and I went to visit a local CrossFit box. I've been interested in CrossFit for a while, but only recently figured out I might be able to afford going. According to the website, "The aim of CrossFit is to forge a broad, general and inclusive fitness." I like the whole body experience. I like the community they are supposed to embody. I like the idea of classes, and the types of exercises. I've actually incorporated a few of the exercises in my workouts already, though not to the intensity I'm certain I should. I'm hoping that will come in classes and with encouragement.

The introductory class consisted of a 10 minute warm-up (shoulder stretch, sit-ups, lunges), a 12 minute workout (5 burpees, 10 low level pull-ups, 5 box jumps and 10 squats), and a 5 minute cool down (8 sets of 20 second plank, 10 second rest). For those who don't know, burpees are 1) lay full body on the floor, 2) get to your feet and jump, 3) repeat. The low level pull-ups used rings. You scoot your feet in, pulling against the rings and slanting your body to increase resistance. The closer to horizontal you can get, the more body weight you're actually pulling. We flipped playing cards each round we completed, so we didn't have to count rounds and reps. 
I made it through 5 rounds plus 1 burpee. This workout kicked my butt a little, but not completely. I'm sure that's exactly what it was designed to do. I was breathing heavily, but at no point did I have to stop and rest. Were the workout 20 minutes, that may not have been the case.

Predictably, I'm excited about the idea of paying $100+ to get my butt kicked like this. I'm the one who uses all the gadgetry to run. Superman just throws his shoes on and goes. He's not so thrilled with the idea of paying that much $$ to work out. He wants to run and bike. Also, he has a gym workout in mind that worked for him in the past. I'd hoped we would do this together, but I kind of knew going in that wasn't going to happen. We approach this type of thing differently. I need the extra motivation of a class. He doesn't. I am interested in this type of exercise. He is not.

However, this particular Box (that's what CrossFit calls their gyms, mainly because that's exactly what they look like inside) is not for me.

Pros
Cons
Located halfway between work and Superman's house
There is only one trainer: the owner
It's CrossFit
Ideally, because I donate plasma on Thursdays, I'd like to attend a class Thursday mornings. Thursday morning and Friday night are the only times this box has no classes
CrossFit requires everybody go through Foundations training, to learn the lifts and moves. This box doesn't charge for the Foundation training. It's one class for about an hour, where other boxes charge $100 for 6 classes over the course of 2 weeks
The Foundations class is only 1 time, for about an hour
There is no contract. I can pay for a month, and if I decide this Box or even CrossFit itself is not for me, I'm not out a full year's dues
I'm not sure how other Boxes do it, but this one only has 2 shower rooms, 1 bathroom, and no other changing room facilities. Also, no lockers.
They have a couples discount, if Superman changes his mind
The website listed a $100 fee for a 3x a week schedule. The website is woefully out of date and the fee is now $125 for unlimited classes

I don't know how boxes are supposed to be stocked, but I didn't see any weight plates. Just the 45 lb bars and kettlebells. I thought there would be squat racks, at least.

There is a Box closer to work, which I visited Friday night. If Superman were excited about CrossFit, we would definitely go to the Box closer to his house. Without him in attendance, I'm inclined to frequent the one closer to work. The space is smaller, but brighter, and there were definitely more people around. This may have to do with the fact that the introductory class Superman and I went to was after the regular classes, while the one I went to Friday was during a regular class. Friday's Box has more classes available and also a much busier white board, both of which imply they have more people working out there.

Friday's workout was 20 minutes of warmup, including pushups, bear and crab crawls, suicide drills, and some time spent rolling out sore muscles with a lacrosse ball. The actual workout was descending reps (15-12-9) of 12" box jumps (I jumped a 20" 2x, but was afraid I'd miss when I started getting tired), 18 lb overhead kettle bell swings (I swung a 25 lb., but again was concerned about form when I started getting tired), and burpees. It was work. I definitely got my heart rate up and sweat going. I don't now if Friday's class was less intense than Tuesday's or if I just needed to get things moving earlier in the week, but I was less sore come Saturday.
Part of the reason I'm excited about CrossFit is the hope for a community like I had in Tae Kwon Do. I did not feel that community at the Box I visited with Superman. Granted there were only a few regular CrossFitters around, but I basically felt ignored unless interacting with the owner. Friday's Box, people randomly came up and introduced themselves, the trainer introduced me to everyone in the class, and people came up after class to comment on the workout and my participation in it. THIS is what I was looking for!
It also helps this box charges $10 less per month than the one Superman and I visited.

I'm trying to temper my excitement to spend money I don't necessarily have. I can afford this through donating plasma, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD spend that $$ at CrossFit. The gym I already belong to will offer CrossFit-like classes soon, for a fee. I'm not sure yet what the schedule will look like, but I know the Zumba classes (for which there is also a fee) are only available Wednesdays. I can't attend on Wednesdays. With a CrossFit gym I'll get the type of exercise class I want (interval, whole body training), just about every day. 

That said, I've already arranged to start the essentials classes. These are the classes where they teach me the different lifts and moves. There are 6 of them I have to complete before I can begin attending regular classes. My first is tonight. 

Guess this really is happening! 

January 31, 2014

Flow

I'm still working on the same card I started last Thursday. Monday, another of the new Devs paired with me, and together we resolved the first half of the problem. I had the solution, but didn't have ALL the information I needed for that solution to work. Now we're working on the 2nd half. We worked in different directions, and it looks like neither of our solution paths will work. Now we're trying to create a new stored procedure. I obviously do not have the right mind-set for this position yet, because this is the 3rd time in the past month I've encountered the need to create a new stored procedure to resolve my issue, and it's the 3rd time that thought never even occurred to me.  

It's been 6 months since I jumped the wall into PD. I've had 4+ months of training, 2 solid months of actual work, and I still struggle with the learning curve. The amount I need to learn compared to the pace at which I'm learning still affects my self esteem. I know I'm smart enough to do the job, but every day I question if I've bitten off more than I can chew. I know I can learn what I need to know, eventually. My problem is how often I don't have what I need to know NOW in order to accomplish my daily tasks. I find this incredibly frustrating, and I'm feeling decidedly beaten down by the experience.
 Whenever we finish a card, we're supposed to ask if anyone needs a pair. I've found myself stuck enough to accept that help a few times lately. There is no shame in accepting the help but I'd almost prefer to work alone, even on the more challenging cards. I would struggle and take forever, when we don't have an infinite amount of time. I would ask a lot of questions and need help in certain sections, which would take time away from the more experienced Devs. In the end though, I would do the work and learn more in the process. At this point on my current card, I'm again in the position of watching the other Dev do my work. I have little to contribute, and am basically just staying out of the way until it's done. This is not a good place for me to be.
Until this job, I was accustomed to arriving at work and immediately diving into the flow of the day. "Flow" being a sense of focus and involvement, where I'm challenged but capable and can get lost in what I'm doing. It's a state I enjoy, that makes time pass more quickly and allows me to feel accomplished on a regular basis. Flow has a growth element, where tasks are equal to or somewhat greater than skill level. There is no flow in mundane or menial tasks. There is also no flow when the tasks are too far above current skill level.
HERE is NOT where I am right now. Some cards, I am challenged and can eventually find the solution. Some cards, like several I've picked up lately, I am challenged beyond my current knowledge and experience base. Not only is there no flow, I constantly feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. I just don't know enough yet, and it's frustrating enough to make me question this path on a regular basis. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient, that I am learning and growing, albiet more slowly than I could wish. This is not an easy thing for ADD/OCD/Instant Gratification Girl.
One way I've found to remind myself I am actually growing is to track the cards I've done. In going through the physical cards, I realized I've completed about twice as many as I originally thought. Almost half of those have passed QA without failing at all (a personal goal I set for myself months ago). It's also possible to see the improvement curve in the cards that have failed, in the reasons they failed and the number of times they failed. 

Another is to track things on the blog. This is part of why I started blogging again: to track my accomplishments. It's easy to focus on the negatives and forget the successes. Writing about them not only impresses them in my memory, it also leaves a record I can refer to later, when I feel I'm making no progress. Being able to refer to successes will also help during glory memo time in the year end review process.