Saturday January 24, 2015

50-90 mg Phenylpiracetam + the standard 200mg L-theanine

I notice I'm laughing out loud lately. Not sure if that's the pain killers or the nootropics. Will continue to try keeping an eye on this.

Friday January 23, 2015

300 mg Adrafinil today, plus the 200 mg L-theanine I've been taking since Tuesday with my coffee.

45 minutes in, I'm feeling a bit ADD, where I expected to feel more focused. Reading blogs. I've pulled my bills out to work on them but only sorted the top document. I'm pulling myself back to work, but blogs immediately call to me.

I haven't finished my coffee yet, which seems unusual. I went for half the cream today, too.

I'm also trying not medicating my back for as long as I can stand it. I need to know exactly how bad I'm feeling. I keep second guessing myself and downplaying. I woke up asking if I really hurt at all! I do. It's in my neck/shoulder, and it's in my left hip/groin/buttock. Not excruciating. Not comfortable. I really should take something soon, because once pain gets out of hand it does NOT like to be subdued. I probably could have gone to work today, but I would have been uncomfortable. Discomfort is better alone, at home.

11:30. Think about eating breakfast, then think "am I really hungry?" The answer so far is "not really, no." 2 coffees - the equivalent of half the heavy cream I've been using lately. Not sure if this is the placebo affect or not. Not sure I care, if it keeps me from over-eating, though I'm a bit concerned with how much protein I get for donating tomorrow. Keeping that balance will be interesting.

12:30. Stomach grumbling, but still not feeling particularly hungry. Ate breakfast (eggs) anyway. Drinking tea and water. Not particularly thirsty either, but it seems important.

Still not feeling focused on any one thing. Bouncing between things like updating a year's worth of sprint information, which is something I had on my list, updating here, reading my blogs. Nothing important or thought provoking going on.

2:15. Hungry now? Interesting. Eating lunch.

6:30. Wasn't really hungry but went to an all you can eat buffet and ate ALL. I. COULD. EAT. I want to say I ate less than I might have, but I'm not sure that's true. I was certainly more picky about what I finished eating, leaving several deserts I may have finished on another day.

Thursday January 22, 2015

Staying home for the discomfort of kidney stones. On 600 mg ibuprofen, which takes the edge of but doesn't get rid of the discomfort in my back, my hip, and currently my groin.

My nootropics arrived today. Took ~20mg of noopept. Will try to remember to update with how that goes. Only working another hour or so before getting ready for my CT scan. I might get on and work more after, or I might work on the rover programming assignment. Or I might look more closely at the algebra classes I want to take while I'm out of school this term.

Nootropics. I'm mostly interested in the loss of appetite that is supposed to be associated with them. The mental acuity is a bonus, because I have been struggling for words at work and would like to feel more intelligent.  I would like to understand Boston post and am tired of hearing people talk about the product without understanding what they say. Mostly in tired of feeling I'm not intelligent when I used to believe I was, before moving to PD.

I'm also hoping the increased awareness, intelligence, whatever will help me focus on NOT eating when I'm not hungry.  I'm kind of aware when I do that now, but not enough to stop me.

I was up at 6:30 this morning, awake earlier but not wanting to get out of bed. It's now 9:30 pm and while I yawned a couple times in the past few hours, I'm not particularly tired. I'm not hungry either, though that might be due to the pint of ice cream I force fed myself this morning. I did have a small bit of chicken thigh + indian lentil soup, and I'm now eating nuts. This is because, while I've recently downed a liter of water, I'm thirsty and my mouth is bored, not because I'm hungry. 

So. "Kind of  aware" but currently not caring. I took a percocet for pain I wasn't really feeling, and am eating to fill a hunger that isn't there. Wondering what the Dr. will say tomorrow. This is NOT all in my mind, though I may be blowing it up into more than it actually is. 

I plan to cycle the nootropics, so I don't build up any tolerances. Once I get some experience with dosage and which does what I'll have a better idea how to handle them. I'm also not sure whether to tell Jeff. I don't talk about my supplements, but while these are (mostly) over the counter supplements they are a little different from A, B, and Biotin.

Tuesday January 20, 2015

I did not want to get out of bed this morning.  I slept just fine, only up a couple times to pee which is normal. Just... the bed was warm and comfortable and I was not looking forward to working out.

First day on l-theanine in the morning with coffee. I want to say I am more awake, but not sure if that's just placebo.  Will see how the day goes.  I DID decide to start logging and blogging, which I've thought about before but never actually done. This will be unpublished,  a private diary of sorts. Of course, I'm blogging instead of working out...

Feeling scattered.

Took super ibuprofen this morning and feel like it makes things hurt more to reduce the inflammation.  There is a reason the body creates inflammation. It is a protective measure.

Frustrated and possibly depressed over the Dr's reaction that I decided it's time to deal with my back. She didn't dismiss me entirely but it certainly felt like the last time,  and really there is nothing to be done unless I'm heading toward surgery.  Maybe physical therapy will help.  Maybe.

No workout this morning.  Just a long hot shower again. Hopefully l-theanine will help me concentrate so I don't eat when I'm not hungry.  I was aware of that yesterday but it didn't stop me. Other nootropics should arrive in a day or so. I'm very hopeful. 

Funny how I thought for an instant I would be rich, when I first believed I would be thin with these pills. Being thin really is the holy grail, built up into the magic solution for everything I want in my life.  Still hopeful I'll be thin finally, but realize there is no magic. So hopeful though. Will see.

Being thin will of course make me look older anyway, so I'll have to decide which bothers me more or find a happy balance. I guess hopeful = belief at this point if I'm making plans.

You've touched a nerve, my friend

Last week I yelled at Monkey Boy for fat shaming a woman in a pair of booty shorts. Yesterday he posted an article that's been making the rounds, entitled "6 Things I Don't Understand About the Fat Shaming Movement." I have a lot of issue with this article... more than can be expressed in Facebook comments.

This is me elaborating.

TL;DR: The point of the fat acceptance movement, which the author completely misses, is that everyone on this earth should be appreciated and respected without shame, stigma, or oppression, no matter their size. 

Maybe I shouldn't have used the word wrong in my FB comment. Misguided might be a better term, because the author is talking about things she claims not to understand regarding the fat acceptance movement. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she doesn't understand because she's never BEEN fat, saying she's a "normal" size (her quotes). What she really means is she's a socially acceptable size, which is not the same thing. The movement isn't for or even about her. She doesn't understand it because she can't conceive not hating herself if she were fat.

I'll address her points one by one. Again, TL;DR at the bottom.

1. America is extremely accepting of fat. America's food, marketing, and yes even diet industries are likely the driving force behind a good portion of our obesity, but America is NOT accepting of fat. The author downplays the prevalence of negative stereotypes, staring, bullying, and crude comments, possibly because she's never seen, heard, or experienced them herself. She may not be aware of the constant barrage of well-meaning and not so well-meaning comments people of  not normal size have to endure on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis. Random strangers judge and try to dictate what a fat person eats, wears, and how much or little they move, without a single idea who that person is or what their personal or medical history might be.

She doesn't mention people of every size participate in the behaviors she cites, nor that body size and behavior are two entirely different things. Instead she implies all fat people are fat because of lifestyle choices. She doesn't mention that SHE is in fact not accepting of fat, and the fact her article went viral is an indication of how rampant that attitude is in our culture. She also doesn't mention that somehow her attitude gives her the right to judge, dictate to, and discuss the acceptance of anyone with a body shape she deems unfit and outside the spectrum of "normal."

2. Body Positivity should include health. This point assumes it's impossible to be healthy when overweight, fat people have absolutely no healthy habits, and being fat is a choice. Body Positivity is more than loving the shape you're in. It's about loving yourself, no matter the shape you're in.

Dieting or losing weight is not the only way to be proactive about your health. Multiple studies have proven dieting, for the majority of people, simply does not work. THIS BLOG POST links to a slew of studies (not just articles hyping, but the actual statistical studies) showing most people lost all of 5-10 lbs, which they then gained back, regardless of the diet they tried. Diets don't make a person more healthy, either. Healthy habits lead to healthy bodies.

The fact is, what we know about nutrition and how the body utilizes it changes every day. One thing we do know is there is no one diet that works for everyone. Every person's body reacts differently based not only on their history and genetics, but also the history and genetics of their parents and grandparents. We don't even know how far back epigenetics affects us.

Regardless of medical history, there is no way convincing people to hate their bodies is in any way a path to health. 

3. Health at every size seems physically impossible. It's true not every person is healthy at every size. People of all sizes have health issues. Just because a person is thinner or heavier than the socially acceptable norm does not mean they are unhealthy. People can eat a lot, be sedentary, and also be thin. People can be "morbidly obese" (the definition and history of this term would take far more space than this already overly long post, but we can get into it if you want) without medical indicators for diabetes, heart disease, joint issues, or any of the other red flags the author seems concerned with. Heart disease and high blood pressure really don't care about your height, weight, or BMI (another false indicator picked up and proliferated by the insurance industry). 

Seriously, read the blog post linked above. It's one of about a million the author could have read to further her understanding, were she truly interested in understanding. Healthy habits = healthy bodies.  

4. People are allowed to not be attracted to certain body types. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to, or not being attracted to certain body types. You don't have to lust after a larger woman. Her not being to your taste however does not give you the right to belittle that woman or tell her what she can or can't wear. This goes deeper than someone saying "no fatties" on their dating profile. No overweight person would want to date someone who reduced them to nothing more than a body size anyway. The focus is not on getting people to be attracted to larger body types, but on permitting people with larger body types the freedom to FEEL attractive. Today's society implies those with a Rubenesque figure should hate themselves, and anyone who finds them attractive should hate themselves as well.

This doesn't even address where our idea of attractive comes from, btw. Hello, Photoshop anyone?

5. Food addiction is a real medical problem. I agree we should address the fact our food supply and marketing industry is constructed to make us addicted and to over-consume. However, addicts almost never respond well to the interventions the author suggests. Telling a person they are fat, they eat the wrong things and they are killing themselves is not a revelation to them (and may not be true!). They heard these things already, many times, in many ways, all day every day. It's like telling someone they need to quit smoking. When has that ever really worked? The addict (if they are one) has to come to terms with their addiction on their own, in terms they alone can relate to. Only then can they make changes, and even then changes are not always successful.

And btw, not every overweight person is addicted to food. There are as many reason why a person is the size they are, as there are people in this world. The author may very well have one of several other food disorders, where she obsesses about everything she puts in her mouth. This just happens to be a socially acceptable disorder in that it makes her look more what we consider "normal". We won't even talk about the contradiction of her implying people are fat by choice, then bringing up food addiction. 

6. We can't accept childhood obesity. I also agree that we have to teach children healthy eating habits at a young age. It bothers me to see infants and toddlers with full size candy bars and sodas. However, children of "normal" sized adults can and are obese. Just like adults, some children can consume candy and soda without ballooning to an unreasonable size. Some children have the same issues that cause obesity in adults. Making them hate themselves at a young age is certainly not the way to resolve whatever issues they are dealing with. 

I see this article as complete bias against the Fat Acceptance Movement, wrapped in the pretense of a lack of understanding. If the author wanted to understand, there are blogs, studies, and articles galore that could help alleviate her misconceptions. I don't think she wants them alleviated though. I think she feels superior because she's always been "normal" sized, and as I indicated above, that gives her the right to pass judgement on anyone who does not fit her definition of "normal." This fits Merriam-Webster's definition of prejudice: "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience." And THAT is why this article, and people's reaction to it, have touched a nerve. 

TL;DR: The point of the fat acceptance movement, which the author completely misses, is that everyone on this earth should be appreciated and respected without shame, stigma, or oppression, no matter their size. 

The evolution of a plan

I've been thinking lately about incorporating daily yoga.

Plan A is the dreamer in me, the ideal, which includes being able to afford both Crossfit and unlimited yoga:

Get up at 6:00am, out the door by 7:00, arrive at work around 7:30

Take an hour + lunch for Crossfit

work until 5:00pm

attend the 6:00 yoga session

At first glance, this would allow me to attend Crossfit every weekday, and Yoga at least 3 weeknights (plus the Saturday class with Superman). Depending on my year end bonus, I might actually be able to swing this and still pay off all my credit cards this year, which is a priority. 

I don't see my year end bonus until March though, and I doubt it will be sizable at all. Also, looking more closely at the schedules, it turns out Yoga only has the 6pm classes Mon-Thurs, and I currently donate plasma Thurs/Sat. I have a standing Wednesday night that I could do after Yoga, but that means driving past where I want to be, then having to backtrack. This wouldn't be such an issue if I weren't already over my lease mileage for the year. 

As much as I like to dream this plan is possible, in reality it's not that simple. I'm reduced to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday yoga, and Wednesday is not ideal. Also, the 12:00 Crossfit class requires I leave work at 11:45, already dressed for a workout. It's not uncommon for me to have 11:00-12:00 meetings, which means I'd have to shift things around on the fly. I do this anyway, but I'd have to be sure I could attend enough Crossfit classes mid-day to make paying for unlimited yoga worthwhile. Crossfit > Yoga, though not by much. 

I want to be her!

Plan B requires quite a bit more motivation on my part. It's easier to get up and get out than it is to get up and work out.

Get up at 6:00am, do an hour of yoga. 

Out the door by 7:45, at work by 8:30. (This is close to what I'm doing now, except I get up at 7:00 and leave around 8:00.)

don't take lunch, which is what I’m doing now.

work until 5:00pm

attend Crossfit at 6:00pm.

The benefit of this plan is I do yoga every day, and it doesn't cost me anything. I've actually made some progress with this schedule, this week.  I scheduled a task on my computer to simply shut it down at 10:00pm. When the computer shuts down, it's time for bed. Not time to do dishes or laundry or pick up my phone. Time to go to bed. According to http://sleepyti.me/, I should be asleep by 10:30pm in order to wake up easily at 6:00am. Sunday I had some trouble getting to sleep, probably because I napped that afternoon. I was still awake without my alarm at 6:00am, and out of bed by 6:15. Last night I was tired so went to bed at 9:30pm, and was out of bed by 6:30am.

I originally envisioned a full on hour of yoga, complete with mat and music and sun salutations. This is not happening. What happens is I get up and stretch my calves on the stairs. Then I fold over and stretch my hamstrings. At some point I grab my pullup bar and stretch my arms/shoulders/back. I have a towel set up on a banister at the top of the stairs to help stretch out my quads. I putter around for the next half hour, getting things together, getting things done, and stretching every once in a while in the process. It's not as intense or focused as an hour of yoga would be, but at least I'm stretching. This is progress. Bonus points for making it to work earlier, since I’m getting everything done before 7, which is when I was waking up before. 

So close!

I haven't completely given up on running, either. I'm not really running right now, but I'd still like to participate in the Cleveland 10 Miler at the end of April. At this point it will have to be a walk/run, and I’m OK with that considering. I'll have to work out a schedule and see how running fits into Crossfit, which is much more exciting and feels much more doable at the moment. Right now I see the schedule something like this:

What I would like to happen

Monday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit & Run Tuesday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit & Run Wednesday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit Thursday: AM Yoga, PM donate plasma & Run Friday: AM Yoga, PM Crossfit Saturday: AM Yoga class, PM donate plasma Sunday: AM Yoga,  PM Long Run

What will probably happen

Monday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit Tuesday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit Wednesday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit Thursday: AM stretching, PM donate plasma & Walk/Run Friday: AM stretching, PM Crossfit Saturday: AM Yoga class, PM donate plasma Sunday: PM Long Run

I included the plasma donations because they take up those timeslots, and because they affect my other workouts.

The "What will probably happen" may change as I get stronger, as it gets warmer, and as we have more daylight. I might actually run after Crossfit, or in the mornings. I'll be happy if I can get 2 weekday runs in, and the weekend long run. Hopefully, I can increase those over time. I have to be careful though, that I don't overdo and hurt myself again, as I'm prone to do.

So I guess this really is happening

 

Last Tuesday, Superman and I went to visit a local CrossFit box. I've been interested in CrossFit for a while, but only recently figured out I might be able to afford going. According to the website, "The aim of CrossFit is to forge a broad, general and inclusive fitness." I like the whole body experience. I like the community they are supposed to embody. I like the idea of classes, and the types of exercises. I've actually incorporated a few of the exercises in my workouts already, though not to the intensity I'm certain I should. I'm hoping that will come in classes and with encouragement.

The introductory class consisted of a 10 minute warm-up (shoulder stretch, sit-ups, lunges), a 12 minute workout (5 burpees, 10 low level pull-ups, 5 box jumps and 10 squats), and a 5 minute cool down (8 sets of 20 second plank, 10 second rest). For those who don't know, burpees are 1) lay full body on the floor, 2) get to your feet and jump, 3) repeat. The low level pull-ups used rings. You scoot your feet in, pulling against the rings and slanting your body to increase resistance. The closer to horizontal you can get, the more body weight you're actually pulling. We flipped playing cards each round we completed, so we didn't have to count rounds and reps. 

I made it through 5 rounds plus 1 burpee. This workout kicked my butt a little, but not completely. I'm sure that's exactly what it was designed to do. I was breathing heavily, but at no point did I have to stop and rest. Were the workout 20 minutes, that may not have been the case.

Predictably, I'm excited about the idea of paying $100+ to get my butt kicked like this. I'm the one who uses all the gadgetry to run. Superman just throws his shoes on and goes. He's not so thrilled with the idea of paying that much $$ to work out. He wants to run and bike. Also, he has a gym workout in mind that worked for him in the past. I'd hoped we would do this together, but I kind of knew going in that wasn't going to happen. We approach this type of thing differently. I need the extra motivation of a class. He doesn't. I am interested in this type of exercise. He is not.

However, this particular Box (that's what CrossFit calls their gyms, mainly because that's exactly what they look like inside) is not for me.

Pros	Cons
Located halfway between work and Superman's house	There is only one trainer: the owner
It's CrossFit	Ideally, because I donate plasma on Thursdays, I'd like to attend a class Thursday mornings. Thursday morning and Friday night are the only times this box has no classes
CrossFit requires everybody go through Foundations training, to learn the lifts and moves. This box doesn't charge for the Foundation training. It's one class for about an hour, where other boxes charge $100 for 6 classes over the course of 2 weeks	The Foundations class is only 1 time, for about an hour
There is no contract. I can pay for a month, and if I decide this Box or even CrossFit itself is not for me, I'm not out a full year's dues	I'm not sure how other Boxes do it, but this one only has 2 shower rooms, 1 bathroom, and no other changing room facilities. Also, no lockers.
They have a couples discount, if Superman changes his mind	The website listed a $100 fee for a 3x a week schedule. The website is woefully out of date and the fee is now $125 for unlimited classes
	I don't know how boxes are supposed to be stocked, but I didn't see any weight plates. Just the 45 lb bars and kettlebells. I thought there would be squat racks, at least.

There is a Box closer to work, which I visited Friday night. If Superman were excited about CrossFit, we would definitely go to the Box closer to his house. Without him in attendance, I'm inclined to frequent the one closer to work. The space is smaller, but brighter, and there were definitely more people around. This may have to do with the fact that the introductory class Superman and I went to was after the regular classes, while the one I went to Friday was during a regular class. Friday's Box has more classes available and also a much busier white board, both of which imply they have more people working out there.

Friday's workout was 20 minutes of warmup, including pushups, bear and crab crawls, suicide drills, and some time spent rolling out sore muscles with a lacrosse ball. The actual workout was descending reps (15-12-9) of 12" box jumps (I jumped a 20" 2x, but was afraid I'd miss when I started getting tired), 18 lb overhead kettle bell swings (I swung a 25 lb., but again was concerned about form when I started getting tired), and burpees. It was work. I definitely got my heart rate up and sweat going. I don't now if Friday's class was less intense than Tuesday's or if I just needed to get things moving earlier in the week, but I was less sore come Saturday.

Part of the reason I'm excited about CrossFit is the hope for a community like I had in Tae Kwon Do. I did not feel that community at the Box I visited with Superman. Granted there were only a few regular CrossFitters around, but I basically felt ignored unless interacting with the owner. Friday's Box, people randomly came up and introduced themselves, the trainer introduced me to everyone in the class, and people came up after class to comment on the workout and my participation in it. THIS is what I was looking for!

It also helps this box charges $10 less per month than the one Superman and I visited.

I'm trying to temper my excitement to spend money I don't necessarily have. I can afford this through donating plasma, but that doesn't mean I SHOULD spend that $$ at CrossFit. The gym I already belong to will offer CrossFit-like classes soon, for a fee. I'm not sure yet what the schedule will look like, but I know the Zumba classes (for which there is also a fee) are only available Wednesdays. I can't attend on Wednesdays. With a CrossFit gym I'll get the type of exercise class I want (interval, whole body training), just about every day. 

That said, I've already arranged to start the essentials classes. These are the classes where they teach me the different lifts and moves. There are 6 of them I have to complete before I can begin attending regular classes. My first is tonight. 

Guess this really is happening! 

Flow

I'm still working on the same card I started last Thursday. Monday, another of the new Devs paired with me, and together we resolved the first half of the problem. I had the solution, but didn't have ALL the information I needed for that solution to work. Now we're working on the 2nd half. We worked in different directions, and it looks like neither of our solution paths will work. Now we're trying to create a new stored procedure. I obviously do not have the right mind-set for this position yet, because this is the 3rd time in the past month I've encountered the need to create a new stored procedure to resolve my issue, and it's the 3rd time that thought never even occurred to me.  

It's been 6 months since I jumped the wall into PD. I've had 4+ months of training, 2 solid months of actual work, and I still struggle with the learning curve. The amount I need to learn compared to the pace at which I'm learning still affects my self esteem. I know I'm smart enough to do the job, but every day I question if I've bitten off more than I can chew. I know I can learn what I need to know, eventually. My problem is how often I don't have what I need to know NOW in order to accomplish my daily tasks. I find this incredibly frustrating, and I'm feeling decidedly beaten down by the experience.

 Whenever we finish a card, we're supposed to ask if anyone needs a pair. I've found myself stuck enough to accept that help a few times lately. There is no shame in accepting the help but I'd almost prefer to work alone, even on the more challenging cards. I would struggle and take forever, when we don't have an infinite amount of time. I would ask a lot of questions and need help in certain sections, which would take time away from the more experienced Devs. In the end though, I would do the work and learn more in the process. At this point on my current card, I'm again in the position of watching the other Dev do my work. I have little to contribute, and am basically just staying out of the way until it's done. This is not a good place for me to be.

Until this job, I was accustomed to arriving at work and immediately diving into the flow of the day. "Flow" being a sense of focus and involvement, where I'm challenged but capable and can get lost in what I'm doing. It's a state I enjoy, that makes time pass more quickly and allows me to feel accomplished on a regular basis. Flow has a growth element, where tasks are equal to or somewhat greater than skill level. There is no flow in mundane or menial tasks. There is also no flow when the tasks are too far above current skill level.

HERE is NOT where I am right now. Some cards, I am challenged and can eventually find the solution. Some cards, like several I've picked up lately, I am challenged beyond my current knowledge and experience base. Not only is there no flow, I constantly feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. I just don't know enough yet, and it's frustrating enough to make me question this path on a regular basis. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient, that I am learning and growing, albiet more slowly than I could wish. This is not an easy thing for ADD/OCD/Instant Gratification Girl.

One way I've found to remind myself I am actually growing is to track the cards I've done. In going through the physical cards, I realized I've completed about twice as many as I originally thought. Almost half of those have passed QA without failing at all (a personal goal I set for myself months ago). It's also possible to see the improvement curve in the cards that have failed, in the reasons they failed and the number of times they failed. 

Another is to track things on the blog. This is part of why I started blogging again: to track my accomplishments. It's easy to focus on the negatives and forget the successes. Writing about them not only impresses them in my memory, it also leaves a record I can refer to later, when I feel I'm making no progress. Being able to refer to successes will also help during glory memo time in the year end review process.

I may still be learning, but some things I already know

This quote has jumped out at me several times in the past few days. At the same time, I've had at least 2 conversations about a lifetime of learning, and what exactly that means. It's not just learning how to code or why pelicans stand on one leg. It's also making little tweaks in my daily life, and seeing what works.

Dietary tweaks this week include breakfast smoothies:
 4-5 ice cubes,
 ~2 cups water,
 ~4 cups of dark leafy greens,
 1 cup of frozen mixed berries,
 2 tbsp of THIS protein powder.

The protein powder by itself tastes pretty nasty, and a single serving is at least twice what I'm using. Mixed with the berries and greens though, it's good enough. It gets me hydrated first thing, and makes taking my supplements easier than with just water. I thought it would push my entire eating schedule back, but that hasn't been the case. I find I’m still hungry when I get to work, so that's when I have my hard boiled eggs. The biggest difference is in when I get hungry for lunch. That timeframe is now pushed back at least an hour, some days up to an hour and a half. Also, I find I don't get hungry until later in the afternoon and early evening. I'm not ready for dinner until at least 7.

I've gone back and forth about using the protein powder. The powders I can use are limited, because I can't use anything that adds iodine to my diet. It's not exactly Paleo or a whole food, but it is an easy way to get protein without too many calories. Not that I'm counting calories right now. I could add a raw egg to my smoothie, and have in the past. There is the whole salmonella issue with that, as well as the fact I'm already eating several eggs a day. I'm using the protein powder now, but am thinking about using just greens and berries and seeing how my eating schedule fares with that. I've also been digging around online for recipes, and may have to try some other variations as well:

Metabolism Boosting Smoothie: I'm trying to stay as close to Paleo as possible, in an attempt to heal my gut and possibly reduce the effects of my auto-immune disease. For this reason, I won't add yogurt or beans to my smoothies, though I’m sure they would taste wonderful. However, almonds and flaxmeal would give me some protein and keep me full for a time.  

Sweet Spinach Smoothie: You wouldn't know it by my diet this past week, but I’m trying to keep the carbs in check. For this reason, I won’t add both a pear and grapes to my smoothies. Avocado, however, would make them very smooth!  

Green Tea Smoothie: I would do this one with berries instead of grapes, and maybe try it without the honey first. 

 Introduction of the breakfast smoothie does not mean I've eaten entirely clean this week. Monday some 3rd party vendor showed up to thank our company for something or other, and brought 2 Costco shopping carts worth of candy. I didn't find it difficult at all to avoid the gluten and peanut options, but I've lost count of the Almond Joy and Peppermint Patties I've consumed in the past few days. I refuse to be upset at myself over this. I may still be learning, but some things I already know. First off, I know how I get around sugar, and I know how hard it is for me to resist when it's Sitting Right. There. This is who I am, and it doesn't make sense to get angry at myself for behaving the way I always behave. Second, because I don't keep it around, I rarely eat candy. This is not an every day occurrence. Third, I am not the only person eating the candy, and it will be gone from the office by the end of the week.

This is also the first week I've had a full batch of Kombucha brewed. The process (and my schedule) requires I bottle on Saturday, and the secondary fermenting isn't complete until at least Tuesday or Wednesday. This means I drank more sugar than I intended, early in the week. The yeast and bacteria consume the sugar, so more fermented tea has fewer carbs. Fermenting depends on sugar and acid content, time, and room temperature, which is why it can vary by a day or more. This batch came out to just over 4 gallons, which provides me with about 2 quarts/day. There should be some left over by the time I next bottle, so eventually I will have enough fully fermented tea to last until the next batch is fully fermented.

I learn more with every batch of tea. This week I tried using apple juice instead of the cranberry I used last week. I prefer the cranberry, and found it does not take as long to ferment as the apple. I also found, when using quart mason jars, the metal caps are not ideal. The fermentation caused the lids to bow, allowing some of the fizz to escape. Wal-Mart had plastic lids at one point, and I'm hoping I can find those again before next week's batch. I also need to leave more space at the top of the bottle or jar, so they don't overflow when I open them.

Because PRETTY!

Who I am vs. who I am in my head

I keep slamming up against a reality that differs greatly from how I see myself internally. I have frequently professed a love for life-long learning. I have spent time finding places to learn what I need to make my job easier, but have yet to spend any real time doing the actual learning. 

I'm going through a healthy eating program for my company's Vitality program. The program talks about self-image, and how uncomfortable it is to perform against your self image. According to the program, self image is made up of one's thoughts, beliefs, pictures, and emotions. Google defines it as "the idea one has of one's abilities, appearance, and personality." I've based my self image in part on high intelligence, the ability to pick things up quickly, and a strong work ethic. 

I've struggled with this image of myself since moving to the PD department. The last few weeks I've been frustrated and stumped time and again by problems at work. I've had to ask more than once how to do the same something, and at least once I was sure I was right even after having it demonstrated I was wrong. Because work is uncomfortable and intimidating, I find myself spending more and more time on the internet instead of my cards. None of these things sync well with my self-image.

I also see myself as someone who eats healthy, who exercises regularly, yet I can't understand why the combination does not result in a healthy body weight. I'm guessing the "ignore and deny" part of cognitive dissonance is in play here. I ignore the hundreds and hundreds of calories I consume in the evenings, when I'm eating because I'm tired and depressed rather than hungry. I might be eating "healthy" almonds and pistachios, but it doesn't matter how healthy when the number of calories regularly exceeds my daily needs.

Exercise has a similar dissonance. I do work out almost daily. Running is difficult right now for several reasons, so I rarely work up a sweat in the hour or so I'm on the treadmill. I lift or row, but again rarely to a point that makes me sweat. Then I wonder why I'm not seeing any benefits.

It's been said awareness of a problem is the first step toward solving said problem. So now I'm aware. While I don't like to think I have no control over my eating habits, I also know trying to control them simply causes me to implode and make things worse. The best approach I've found is to not have my trigger foods in the house. Couple that with a solid plan for portion control, and the odds are stacked more in my favor.

Regarding exercise, I'm adding intervals into every workout. They may be sprint intervals on the treadmill, if it's a day I can actually run. They may be lifting, or jump rope, or rowing. The deal is at least 10 hard pressed sets of whatever, with limited and timed rest in between. I need to get my heart rate up, then keep it up for a sustained period.

Another thing I'm working toward is joining a Crossfit gym. I originally joined my current gym for motivation purposes. I tend not to work out once I get home, and I tend to work harder when someone is there pushing me. I was excited with the list of available classes. Kickboxing. Zumba. Yoga. Unfortunately, the classes 1) are not at a time I can attend, or 2) are not good for my physical issues, or 3) cost extra. Kickboxing does not incorporate stretching, and consists of too much time on the balls of my feet. It took me almost 2 weeks to recover from one class! Zumba, TRX, and now Crossfit classes all cost extra, from $5 to $25 per class. I'm better off joining a Crossfit gym with access to coaches, trainers, and the type of classes I want to take, all for the same kind of money. Also, Crossfit offers the type of community I miss from my Tae Kwon Do days. My current gym has no community. People (myself included) come in, put their headphones on, and get their swole on without so much as a nod or smile hello.

Working out the financing for Crossfit is going to be a challenge. I have other financial goals I refuse to let slide. If I understand the website correctly, it's month to month with no contract. I believe I can manage this, depending on how often I can donate plasma. I should be able to pay for the month when I have the money, then go my current gym when I don't. My current gym is paid up through November, and I'll still use it the days it's the closer gym. Worst case, I can learn the lifts at the Crossfit gym, then do the Crossfit.com WOD at my current gym until I can get back to the Crossfit gym.

Define "Important"

I've been thinking a lot lately about my lack of creativity and drive to learn, in relation to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. I know there has been some disagreement with this model, but the idea stuck with me since I first read about it in Psych 101, way back in the early 90's. For those unfamiliar, the concept is that you can't address higher order needs like creativity and learning without first addressing lower order needs like food, shelter, and self esteem. In case I haven't been abundantly clear, I've been suffering from some esteem issues lately. I like to think they are getting better. I'm hoping to push the envelope a bit on addressing more than one need at a time.

I found out yesterday I'm supposed to have read Clean Code and The Clean Coder. Well, not "supposed to have" so much as they made this a requirement for all engineers after me. For me, it was "suggested" on a list of several others. I chose some of the others, because I feared the coding in these. For similar reasons, I also have "How to Think Like a Programmer" and "ReWork" on my list of books I need to read. 

I have yet to figure out where in my schedule I can fit reading. Or rather, where I can fit reading when I intend to retain what I've read. This past week, the closest I've come to learning (outside of the learning I'm doing daily in the course of my job) is to watch a YouTube video on Pompeii, and that I only watched half of while running on the treadmill. I have actual code I want to focus on, but haven't.

The author of Clean Code, "Uncle Bob" Robert C. Martin has apparently done video of the tenants in his books.  A quick YouTube search shows there are several hours of Google Clean Code Talks. If I'm going to watch videos while on the treadmill (when I'm running at home), I should choose these over RedBox Instant (which doesn't have any real selection anyway). I'll still want to read the books. I know I won't retain as much from the videos, especially since they won't have my full attention if I'm also running. 

So let's think about scheduling. Where can I fit in the learning I claim to want as a life-long pursuit?

I've been trying for the past few weeks to get up an hour early and work out before work. That is not happening, so getting up early to learn is also not likely. That leaves after work and weekends.

I'm not making it up early, so my workouts happen daily after work. Monday is a long workout. Tuesday and Thursday I also donate plasma, which takes about an hour to get to from work, then an hour to donate. Essentially, I get home from the gym between 8-9pm most days, except the days I spend at Superman's. Bedtime is 10pm. This does technically leave me an hour or two every day to study. Or write blogs. Or, as has happened lately, read Reddit.

I think it's time for the 15 minute rule. This used to work well for me, when applied to my sculpture. Essentially, I insist on spending at least 15 minutes studying/reading/learning every day. If it's not working for me that day, I can pack it up after 15 minutes. More likely to happen is, once I'm into the book/video/code, I'll look up a half hour or hour later, wondering where the time went. At least that's the hope, and how it worked with the sculpture.

I'll have to set this up for my art too, though it won't be every day. There's at least 15 minutes of set up and clean up involved in that. I'll have to make time on the weekends, which is an entirely different scheduling nightmare. What I can do, every day, is write or sketch out ideas I can then work on over the weekend. 

Not quite there, but getting there. The question is, what exactly is really important? 

Progress

For the past several months, when people asked me how work is going I sighed and launched into my "it's uncomfortable.  It's difficult" speech. I want to clarify that the job itself is fine. The people, the environment, the company: these are not the problem. The problem is how I see myself and how frustrated/impatient I am with my progress. 

My progress meter is about to change. Today I sat for the retake question on the oral exam they give regarding their cornerstone principles. The main reason I failed this question was insecurity in my answer. I talked my way all around the correct answer, but admitted I was not confident I'd nailed it. Bad idea. Very bad idea. Never show weakness. Without that, I probably could have just had a conversation with my manager about the bits I missed. Instead, I had to retake the class and answer a different question. 

I retook the class in early December. Knowing this time I'd be tested on it, I actually took notes. I answered the question I failed several times, for several people. Of course they asked me a different question, on a completely different section of the class. I was able to dredge the month-old information from my brain and answer, barely, with a few leading questions to get all the aspects covered. The trainer indicated he would recommend they pass me, which means I'll receive my engineer's cap and be considered a bona fide, full-fledged engineer. I should receive my cap during the next all hands meeting (which was scheduled for today, but cancelled this morning).

Work is still challenging and difficult, but I'm focusing on less complaint and more solutions to the issues that plague me. One of those issues is working as an introvert in their Agile environment. 

My entire professional life, I've had my own desk with walls or cabinets, a cubicle in which I could tuck my head down and get my work done. Even in Support at my current company, I had my own little space. I have my own space now, but it's in name only. The way my company manifests an Agile environment is by setting all the Devs in my team up at a long table, in a large room full of such long tables. There is a constant hum of conversation, sometimes louder than others but always buzzing in the background. There are frequently foam darts flying through the air. Conversations ebb and flow at my table as well.

This can be a problem for an introvert like myself. Even more so for an ADD introvert like myself. I get distracted easily by the conversations, even if I can't hear them well because I'm going deaf. I get overwhelmed and exhausted by the constant human interaction.

One solution I've found is noise cancelling headphones. These only work when I am actually listening to something through them, and listening to music with words is equally distracting. I've started using SimplyNoise.com to drown out some of the background noise and give my brain some relief. Alternatively, I listen to instrumental music on my Pandora account. I had some difficulty at first finding upbeat music that doesn't have words. A quick Google search provided a Reddit thread on exactly what I wanted. I created a station with every single suggestion in the thread, and now I can listen as long as my head and ears can stand the weight of the headphones.  

Another solution has been to run away and hide. They actually encourage leaving your desk if you're creatively stuck. They've built a pretty sweet game room to help distract people from the problems they're working on, to let their brains find solutions behind the scenes. Personally, I suck at the games and it's not more noise and excitement I crave. I've found the ladies gym locker room is almost always vacant during the day, except during lunch and after 4:00. It is completely quiet, except for distant music from the radio in the cafeteria. I take my phone in there and play a quiet round or two of Jewel Legend to recharge. 

I am making actual work progress. The card I paired with the more experienced Dev on passed PO accept. The card I picked up next, that I'd originally put on hold for the card that failed? That was already working. Before putting it on hold, I'd worked with another Dev and we found what we thought was a partial solution. That Dev picked it up while I worked on the card that PO failed, but said he didn't really do anything. Submitted a few things he didn't think worked. After confirming with the PO how exactly the situation should work, I spent 2 days recreating and testing all the scenarios. Turns out it worked in all cases. That card also passed QA and PO. 

I picked up yet another card, where the situation worked most of the time. It took a few days to find the code that was causing it to behave the way it did. The simplest solution was just to comment that code out. That card is currently under QA test, and I'm confident it will pass. I'm a little concerned PO will find some edge case I didn't think to test for. I'll deal with that if it happens. 

So 3 cards complete in the last week, and I'm now researching another intimidating issue. I don't know anything about this area of code. I still don't have much faith in my coding skills. Yet, somehow, I find I approach each card with a bit more confidence. That right there is called progress, my friend.

Everything contradicts everything else

These are two versions of a low-carb food pyramid. You can see, even when the basic tenants of a food plan are agreed upon, execution varies widely. Personally, my diet is something of a mix between the two. When I'm not "cheating" (a word and concept I hate, since really who am I cheating on? Myself? It's not like I'm hiding anything from myself! What I'm doing is choosing to eat off plan.) I eat a lot of egg and protein, with a huge salad for lunch most days. The salad varies, but is usually comprised of cabbage, brussel sprouts, collards, and/or brocolli slaw. There is always some form of meat involved, and I might throw in zucchini or kohlrabi. I also usually add a small amount of raisins, a serving of almonds, and minimal dressing.

Last week didn't go well, and it took me the better part of the week to figure out why. I'd reduced carbs, and for some reason also reduced my liquid intake. Whenever I change the non-water I drink, it affects the amount of water I drink. I've been drinking Kombucha, and for some reason this had the same affect as drinking soda, in that I didn't drink my water/unsweetened tea as well. This led to thirst, which I interpreted as a salt craving. Instead of drinking my water/tea, I ate chips. Not ideal.

I realized at some point in the last week that I haven't lost any real weight for about 10 years now. Yeah, I dropped 10 lbs once when I was running every single day. My body can't take that kind of stress over the long haul though, and once I had to stop the weight came right back. At this point I'm not dieting to lose weight, though my mental image of myself is at least 40 lbs lighter. What I'm trying to do is eat healthy, eat only when I'm hungry, and not overeat when I am hungry.

I also realized I've spent too much time reading about people who follow the Beach Body plan, who use meal replacement shakes. I've gone back and forth about trying them, since they appear to work for some people and I haven't tried them yet. I keep coming back to 2 problems with this, though. First, meal replacement shakes are not real food. My metabolism is broken already, and I'm trying to heal by eating food as close to it's original state as possible. The more processed, the less I can be certain I know what's added. Companies are not required to disclose EVERYTHING they put into our food. There's also the whole "anything fortified is bound to have iodine, which I need to avoid" thing.

I decided I'm going to try my version of a meal replacement shake. It's basically a berry, egg, and leafy green smoothie, somewhere close to 200 calories. I'm hoping if I have this for breakfast before I leave for work, that will shift my food plan back several hours, reducing the desire to eat later in the evening. Ideally, I would finish my salad in late afternoon and not be hungry until the next day. Alternatively, I could have the same smoothie for dinner. An added bonus is the sweet taste without too many carbs and no artificial sweeteners.

I did have some good news this week. While at the Dr. for a sinus infection, I had her test my thyroid levels. I'd stopped taking the prescribed medication, and am managing the disease with a gluten free diet combined with a bugleweed supplement. Apparently this is working, because my levels are within the normal range.

Even more incentive

Not that I have a ton of control over how much sleep I get, but this kind of information is definitely incentive to get to listen to my "time for bed" alarm, and to hit snooze in the morning if the night was restless...

You'd think I'd be perfect by now

According to Mr. Churchill, if you consider how often I change all my little routines and plans, you'd think I'd be perfect by now!

My new training plan called for 2 a days, but that whole getting up early thing has just not been happening. I'm getting to bed early enough, but I guess I'm still recovering from the plague or something. I'm pretty much ok with this, because getting enough sleep is an important element in health and wellness, and it's not something I’m normally good at. 

I've already decided I'm done with the P90X3 program, and I've only half done one day's video. I like to watch the videos before I attempt to complete them, so I have an idea what I'm doing and am not fumbling around quite as much trying to see what's going on. I watched Monday's video, and my calves hurt just thinking about it. I took a kickboxing class at my new gym a few weeks ago, and it was literally a week and a half before my calves recovered from all the jumping. Tight calves = painful running. Painful running = more time walking to cover the 10K steps I need daily. These are not good equations. Mostly though, 10K steps > any exercise video because I'm tracking the steps for work's Vitality program, which is tied directly to my Health Savings Account. As with everything else in this world, $$ trumps everything.

Additionally, I've found I really like lifting, and rowing, and would rather putter around the gym playing with the equipment over trying to find the space for a video session. I spent time with a trainer Monday, going over the free weight section of the gym. I wanted to learn Olympic style lifts, but there isn't a lot of room to move with all the January resolutionists. Instead, she showed me how to use the racks and we talked about a plan to get me more comfortable with the Olympic lifts when attendance slows a bit in February/March.

Bailing on the P90X3 program is also not helped by my ADD. I can't follow a recipe to save my life. Why would I think I could follow a prescribed program for 3 months, even though they do mix it up over time? So yeah. Just like with all the other beach body videos, I like the theory more than the actual practice. I'll use the ones I like and leave the rest. The Accelerator is out. Not happening. I like the yoga video. I like the dynamic stretching. These will more tools in my toolbox, but not the meat and potatoes of my workouts.

Speaking of programs I'm not following: I've changed my running schedule up already, in part because I was sick. I had one mile on the calendar 4 days this week. I ran 1 mile twice on the first day. The second day, I worked out after donating plasma. While doing my run in an overcrowded and not well ventilated gym I decided I don’t want to do my "long run" every day. I opted for a half mile and walked the rest of my steps. Day 3 I walked a mile, ran a mile, walked a mile, then did 10th of a mile walk/run intervals starting at 10 minute miles and bumping the pace every run interval. I can sprint pretty darn fast for a 10th of a mile! Day 4 didn't happen, Day 5 I managed only half miles at a time, and Day 6 didn't happen. Day 7 was supposed to be yoga, but with a confirmed sinus infection that didn't happen, and I walked my steps with only sporadic runs for very short periods.

Today's run was walk a mile, run a half mile, walk a half mile, run a mile and a half. I hope to hit 2 miles by the end of the week. At this point I'm "going for it" every day, but listening to my body and trying not to push so hard I'll regret it the next day. That said, I am going to try for the 2 a days again this week, because running after donating is not a good idea. It would be better if I could get the run out of the way in the morning so I don't have to worry about it after donating. That would also allow me to spend more time lifting and rowing in the evening.  

So what it comes down to is, really, nothing much has changed. I'm running, and the running plan is slightly different. I'm lifting and rowing and playing on the equipment. I'm still working out an hour to 2 hours a day. And, not surprisingly, while this all helps me feel healthy, my weight and waistline are no different than they were before. I'm not willing to spend more time than I already am in the gym. If I want the weight and waistline to change I'm going to have to make changes elsewhere in my lifestyle.

But that's a post for another day.