Saturday January 24, 2015

50-90 mg Phenylpiracetam + the standard 200mg L-theanine

I notice I'm laughing out loud lately. Not sure if that's the pain killers or the nootropics. Will continue to try keeping an eye on this.

Friday January 23, 2015

300 mg Adrafinil today, plus the 200 mg L-theanine I've been taking since Tuesday with my coffee.

45 minutes in, I'm feeling a bit ADD, where I expected to feel more focused. Reading blogs. I've pulled my bills out to work on them but only sorted the top document. I'm pulling myself back to work, but blogs immediately call to me.

I haven't finished my coffee yet, which seems unusual. I went for half the cream today, too.

I'm also trying not medicating my back for as long as I can stand it. I need to know exactly how bad I'm feeling. I keep second guessing myself and downplaying. I woke up asking if I really hurt at all! I do. It's in my neck/shoulder, and it's in my left hip/groin/buttock. Not excruciating. Not comfortable. I really should take something soon, because once pain gets out of hand it does NOT like to be subdued. I probably could have gone to work today, but I would have been uncomfortable. Discomfort is better alone, at home.

11:30. Think about eating breakfast, then think "am I really hungry?" The answer so far is "not really, no." 2 coffees - the equivalent of half the heavy cream I've been using lately. Not sure if this is the placebo affect or not. Not sure I care, if it keeps me from over-eating, though I'm a bit concerned with how much protein I get for donating tomorrow. Keeping that balance will be interesting.

12:30. Stomach grumbling, but still not feeling particularly hungry. Ate breakfast (eggs) anyway. Drinking tea and water. Not particularly thirsty either, but it seems important.

Still not feeling focused on any one thing. Bouncing between things like updating a year's worth of sprint information, which is something I had on my list, updating here, reading my blogs. Nothing important or thought provoking going on.

2:15. Hungry now? Interesting. Eating lunch.

6:30. Wasn't really hungry but went to an all you can eat buffet and ate ALL. I. COULD. EAT. I want to say I ate less than I might have, but I'm not sure that's true. I was certainly more picky about what I finished eating, leaving several deserts I may have finished on another day.

Thursday January 22, 2015

Staying home for the discomfort of kidney stones. On 600 mg ibuprofen, which takes the edge of but doesn't get rid of the discomfort in my back, my hip, and currently my groin.

My nootropics arrived today. Took ~20mg of noopept. Will try to remember to update with how that goes. Only working another hour or so before getting ready for my CT scan. I might get on and work more after, or I might work on the rover programming assignment. Or I might look more closely at the algebra classes I want to take while I'm out of school this term.

Nootropics. I'm mostly interested in the loss of appetite that is supposed to be associated with them. The mental acuity is a bonus, because I have been struggling for words at work and would like to feel more intelligent.  I would like to understand Boston post and am tired of hearing people talk about the product without understanding what they say. Mostly in tired of feeling I'm not intelligent when I used to believe I was, before moving to PD.

I'm also hoping the increased awareness, intelligence, whatever will help me focus on NOT eating when I'm not hungry.  I'm kind of aware when I do that now, but not enough to stop me.

I was up at 6:30 this morning, awake earlier but not wanting to get out of bed. It's now 9:30 pm and while I yawned a couple times in the past few hours, I'm not particularly tired. I'm not hungry either, though that might be due to the pint of ice cream I force fed myself this morning. I did have a small bit of chicken thigh + indian lentil soup, and I'm now eating nuts. This is because, while I've recently downed a liter of water, I'm thirsty and my mouth is bored, not because I'm hungry. 

So. "Kind of  aware" but currently not caring. I took a percocet for pain I wasn't really feeling, and am eating to fill a hunger that isn't there. Wondering what the Dr. will say tomorrow. This is NOT all in my mind, though I may be blowing it up into more than it actually is. 

I plan to cycle the nootropics, so I don't build up any tolerances. Once I get some experience with dosage and which does what I'll have a better idea how to handle them. I'm also not sure whether to tell Jeff. I don't talk about my supplements, but while these are (mostly) over the counter supplements they are a little different from A, B, and Biotin.

Tuesday January 20, 2015

I did not want to get out of bed this morning.  I slept just fine, only up a couple times to pee which is normal. Just... the bed was warm and comfortable and I was not looking forward to working out.

First day on l-theanine in the morning with coffee. I want to say I am more awake, but not sure if that's just placebo.  Will see how the day goes.  I DID decide to start logging and blogging, which I've thought about before but never actually done. This will be unpublished,  a private diary of sorts. Of course, I'm blogging instead of working out...

Feeling scattered.

Took super ibuprofen this morning and feel like it makes things hurt more to reduce the inflammation.  There is a reason the body creates inflammation. It is a protective measure.

Frustrated and possibly depressed over the Dr's reaction that I decided it's time to deal with my back. She didn't dismiss me entirely but it certainly felt like the last time,  and really there is nothing to be done unless I'm heading toward surgery.  Maybe physical therapy will help.  Maybe.

No workout this morning.  Just a long hot shower again. Hopefully l-theanine will help me concentrate so I don't eat when I'm not hungry.  I was aware of that yesterday but it didn't stop me. Other nootropics should arrive in a day or so. I'm very hopeful. 

Funny how I thought for an instant I would be rich, when I first believed I would be thin with these pills. Being thin really is the holy grail, built up into the magic solution for everything I want in my life.  Still hopeful I'll be thin finally, but realize there is no magic. So hopeful though. Will see.

Being thin will of course make me look older anyway, so I'll have to decide which bothers me more or find a happy balance. I guess hopeful = belief at this point if I'm making plans.